Expert: Norm Bishop - 12/24/2009

Question
I have a step-brother and sister who are 12 year old.  My brother has ADHD and often channels his frustration into violence he is also a pathological liar, he tells lies to his father all the time right in front of me.  I ask him why he does lies he says he does not want to get in trouble.  His father does not believe me when I say he has a problem with telling the truth and does not do anything to address the problem.  He has already been through behavior modification therapy and medication, it helped a little bit, he is currently not on medication.  My sister has slight autistic characteristics, a result from the MMR shots.  She has trouble learning and throws tantrums like a 2 year old.  My brother knows about her and taunts her to get her to trow a fit.  She gets into trouble all the time because of it and he lies and says he did not do anything and does not get in trouble.  All my mom does when they argue and fight with each other is separate them, sends one upstairs and the other downstairs.  Their relationship has become a "I wish you were dead, one of these days I'm going to kill you".  A direct quote from last night.  I am starting to get worried that they will hurt each other soon.  It would help me if you had any thoughts on how to or what I should tell my mom to do?

Answer
Your description of your step-brother is not that of a typical ADHD child.  ADHD is an acronym that stands for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.  It is a brain dysfunction that cause children (and adults) to be impulsive and disorganized.  In the hyperactive state, such as your step-brother, hyper means more active than normal.  So, if he were only ADHD he would be easily distracted, very poorly organized, hyperactive, impulsive and difficult to control.  

However, violence and lying are not typical characteristics found with ADHD.  The opposite is usually true, where the child feels bad about his or her poor and uncontrolled behavior.  This child sounds like he is making clear choices to be aggressive and in control of adults who either don't want to control him or choose not to control him.  

It is not uncommon for children to see what my "bug" a sibling, and cause uproar.  It is unusual to take that taunting into an aggressive fight and threaten to kill the child they just taunted.  

What you have described is a child who is very much in control of his father, or so it appears to you.  With the lack of truth telling, manipulation, and aggression he could be a seriously emotionally disturbed child.  On the other hand, he may just be poorly disciplined and seeking control.

Your mother is in the difficult position of being "step"-parent, which means until she has a couple of years in the parent role direct parenting by her will explode.  The child needs to be primarily parented by his birth parent, with your mom slowly easing into co-parenting roles until she enough of a relationship with the child to step in as parent.  You should tell her what you are seeing.  That your step-brother aggravates and taunts your autistic sister, causing her to tantrum and eventually fight with him.  Also point out that he lies and has threatened to kill you and your sister.  She then needs to talk to the step-child's father and let him discipline the child.  If the boy's behavior isn't controlled now it will lead to more serious problems in the future, may even lead to him seriously hurting someone.  Every child wants to know where the limits for his or her behavior are.  They will tell you they want no controls, but in their heart, they want the comfort of knowing what is right or wrong.  A child who gets away with behavior that is over a reasonable limit has more power than he or she knows how to handle, and that usually ends up in the child getting into serious difficulty.  This boy needs to have consistent limits...and it all begins and ends with his father.  

I really am impressed with your question and the deep understanding you seem to have.  Good luck.

Norm