Expert: Sharon Crandall - 2/27/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hi! I am concerned about my 4th grader. He seems to be struggling with math. His strengths are in reading and spelling. I've been told if your good one you fall short of the other. His teacher does not have a problem with him in school, he is a good kid. She has told me he seems spacey at times, like when she asks the class to get out their math books and turn to a page, she'll notice my son will be just sitting there, as if he didn't hear her. I just found out he has alergies really bad in the Fall and Spring. He has started taking allergy shots a month ago and continue until May. His eyes can look hazy and tired due to allergies. Hopefully the shots along with his regular allergy pill will help. His allergist told me his medication shouldn't make him tired. My question is how do I really know if he has Add which his teacher suggested he may have? She was his 3rd grade teacher and said he seemed aloof before when she had him in her class, but now she is his Math teacher this year for 4th grade and says he seems worse than last year. He is a quiet child and sometimes it's hard to get things out of him. He also plays sports all year around, football,basketball,baseball, swimming etc. but doesn't seem to be competitive or have much a care for them, too easy going, like nothings very important. It drives my husband nuts, because he really hasn't showed a compassion towards any sports or when he is in them he complains about the practices etc. I'm ok with him not loving sports but I think it's important to have kids in something. I'm waiting for him to have a passion for something besides playing video games. Is this a typical 9 year old boy? I guess my husband compares him to himself as a child 30 years ago. My fear is not to put pressure on our son for what we want him to do or be like, he needs to do it for himself. Am I making any sense? I'm very overwhelmed right now. Also my son has been hanging around a boy in his class who isn't the nicest kid. My son has scratch marks on his neck from him. My son switches his stories around alot when I ask him about his so called friend who I don't like. What a mess! Now I feel like there is low selfesteem with my son as well, I just need some answers or advice and where to start with all of this.
Thanks,
Dawn

ANSWER: Dear Dawn,

First of all it is normal for some children to be very spacey.  Teachers are given wrong information and the pressure is on to have each child conform to a standard that is impossible.  Each person has their own personality and our children are part of us but different than we are.  They will have some of our traits but every person born into this world is unique and not like any other.  It is our children's  uniqueness that we want to support, not how he fits in.

Now, video game time should be limited because it develops only part of the brain and neglects the other parts of the brain.  He needs to choose other activities and I hope you have him do chores around the house each night, too, so that he feels responsible and feels like he is contributing to the family.

Now, sports.  He apparently does not have the trait of Competitive and so he needs to be in some sport, just for the exercise, but not expected to get all involved in winning, etc.

Since he is good in reading and spelling it looks like your son will be more into perhaps the arts rather than in science and math.  Does he like science?  He might like science for the learning aspect.  Does he like music?  Taking music lessons is one of the best things to organize all sides of the brain that you can do.  

Now, the best thing to do is to expose him to different things until he finds his niche.  It takes some kids longer than others but right now there is too much pressure on parents to make their children fit in and conform.  

First of all, believe in your son.  Believe that he will find his niche sooner or later.  Next, do not listen to the teacher when she says he might have ADD.  He sounds like he is high on the trait of Concentration and when they have that trait you can look right at them and talk to them and they do not hear you.  That is not a disorder, it is the ability to get lost in thought so he is a thinker.

Now, because he is good at reading and spelling he should be writing stories.  I would have him write a story and give it to you to read, perhaps each night before he goes to bed.

If you are having trouble with him playing video games too much you can tell him that he has to earn points before he can play one hour of video games.  Then I sure would watch the kind of video games he is playing. Many are so violent.

He could earn points for doing his chores cheerfully, writing a story, getting some exercise, and getting his home work done.

As to his friend.  You might need to stop that friendship.  The best thing is to get him to stop it by asking him if this friendship is good for him.  Then ask him what he wants in life and if what they are doing will help get what he wants in life.  He is old enough to start learning values and cause and effect.  

This is all I have time for as I have a client in a few minutes.  Please read what I have written so far and respond with more info and questions, OK?  
I await your response.

Sharon Crandall
Personality Consultant

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Sharon! Thanks for responding so quickly. I liked the idea you had with him writing stories. I do have the kids help out with chores and they are in charge of cleaning and organizing their rooms, I as well think it's important. I have my son meeting with a counselor at school to talk with him about his friend.The counselor pretty much said the same thing you did, but to my son. She said he seems torn because he knows right from wrong and he doesn't like some things this boy does,like, behaves meanly towards others, but he doesn't know how to get rid of him. Then my son tells me he can be nice. My son told this boy he isn't his friend anymore because he is mean, and then the friend tells my son he won't be mean anymore. Now what should my son have said to that? I asked my son what he said, and he told me he said ok. so I guess there back as friends. I told my son friends aren't mean to each other, and I told him to think if this boy really makes a good friend.Then my son tells me, well sometimes he is nice. I think my son doesn't want to disappoint me or his friend. I asked my son if he thinks I'll get upset or disappoint me if he still hangs around this boy and he said yes. I told him I will always love him and be there for him, but I do warn him of this kind of friendship because I fear the bad influences this boy has on my son and that I don't want him to loose his other friends or get hurt. I know my son tells me what I want to hear, but I want him to open up.I don't want to scare him off. We always do things together and he's going to be 10yrs. soon. My kids are growing up too fast! I just want to keep a strong relationship with them, because there will be harder issues I'm sure we will have to face as they get older.
My husband tells me to hold off on talking about this friend, but I don't think I should. I keep in contact with the counselor at school and ask my son how things are. What do you think? My son is a people pleaser like me, and that scares me. It's a good trait to be compassionate towards people but on the other hand, people can take advantage of you too. I want to teach my son it's ok to stand up for yourself. Do you have any ideas on what my son can say?
My husband doesn't believe in ADD nor medicating a child for it. After the first conference I had with my sons teachers they had mentioned if I had my son checked for ADD. I told them no and that I ruled it out for now and that I have him taking allergy shots, because I think he has that allergy eye look. where his eyes are tired looking. I also commented that I've done my on research on ADD and that my husband doesn't believe in it and that I am cautious about medicating for that, seems there are lots of side effects. One of his teachers proceeded to tell me that her husband has ADD and that both of her daughters have depression and they are all on medication for it and that her husband wishes that he would of caught it earlier when he was a kid etc. because school was so hard for him etc. I guess at this point I was a little put off by this information, I felt like she was passively telling me that my son has it and I should do something about it before it gets worse. Do you think I'm looking into this too much? Being sensitive? This was the first time my husband couldn't make it to conferences, so I was solo. I felt like I had to defend my child. I also had two teachers sitting with me and I was suppose to meet with each seperately, but the other joined in. I felt a little sensitive to what they were saying about my son. It was awkward. I tried to not take what they were saying personal, but yet they were so impersonal about it. It made feel like, do they really know my son? They want him to raise his hands more in class and be more attentive, more out going. I told them my son tells me he has been raising his hands more and making attempts to ask more questions. They both just looked me like I was this over protective mother. I have never had a conference like this ever! I know my kids aren't perfect nor do I expect them to be ,there is no such thing, but I felt like they were picking on his type of personality, because he is not what they want him to be. I don't want to make it sound like my son is shy, because he really is not that either. He is a thinker like you said and he is by far more indepth than any 4th grader I know. He does have a mature but fun manner about him. He just knows people ,like I do. He observes and listens and retains info. He is a smart child, who loves learning new things  and  yes, science is actually his new favorite subject. He loves to travel, and is really into geography. I guess that's why it bugs me so much that he hangs out with this kid at school, because I know he has better judgement, he's just scared of what other people think or he wants to stick up for the underdog. I suppose bravery and confidence comes with age and childhood experiences like this. Ok, I getting off track. So I didn't get any feed back on how my son is enjoying science and what they are working on , or his awesome spelling test scores, or his paper he is working on in writers work shop, it was like these teachers forgot to tell me anything about school and just focused on my sons personality. I told them it sounds like they are picking on his personality and that my son doesn't have the personality they  seem to want him to have, he is who he is. After that the second conference my husband came with, and to my surprise they were very different. There was no talk about ADD, which I prepared him for. It was really fluff, fluff, unless we asked the questions. This is why I thought about the ADD, is because it was brought to me by his teachers. Now I will always wonder if I should get him tested ? What do you think of all this? It's a lot of info and I know I'm writting a story, can you tell I'm a talker? Ha! Ha!  Your advice is appreciated! Thanks Dawn

Answer
Dear Dawn,

Thank you so much for the info.  You have a bright son who is doing fine.  He does not need testing.  Do not let these teachers intimidate you.  How interesting they did not try it with your husband.  Boy, people sometimes sense when they are with someone is more vulnerable.

Now, if they say anything about his personality tell them that his personality is just fine and that he is unique and talented and doing just fine in that department.  It looks like I was right in his having a more in depth mind and so he is a thinker and so you can tell the teacher if they say anything about him not paying attention that it is because he is gifted with powers of deep thinking and concentration.

Yes, I do think you are a bit overprotective.  I understand that you are a pleaser (those teachers sensed that, too, and that is why they got away with saying what they said to you).  Now, all you need to say to your boy is that it is always good to be nice to people but when they start to get mean then it is important that we speak our boundaries and stand up for what is right.  Tell him that all he has to do is when his friend gets mean that he says, "I am sorry you are mean right now so I am going to go play with someone else but I will see you later."  He is not being unkind but is standing up for what is right and acknowledging his own boundaries.  That will teach him how to handle other situations, as well.  His friend will probably stop this behavior and will also be happier, as well.

Teach him how to do things but then let go and let him learn his own lessons.  That is the way he will learn to be strong and independent.  It is important to learn how to let go because children pick up on our fears and it makes them doubt themselves.  Just believe in your son.  He sounds like a great kid!

I will soon have a book available on the personality traits that are really the cause of challenges in school.  I have someone who is working on my website and it will be available to download pretty soon.  It will help you a lot to understand traits and how they are both our challenges and our gifts.  Send me an email to personalityconsultant1 @yahoo.com and ask to be put on my notification list for my books, etc.

Just remember that most great people who have contributed greatly to our world had problems of some kind growing up.  They never fit the mold! Einstein did terrible in grade school and it didn't stop him.  Have confidence in your teaching your son good things and he will be just fine.  

Sharon Crandall
www.personalityconsultant.com