Expert: Sharon Crandall - 4/8/2009

Question
QUESTION: Dear Sharon,

I am writing because I question whether or not my 3 1/2 year old son has ADHD or not. I have done some personal research online about the disorder, but cannot come to a conclusion because he does not fit all the criteria, but I feel like he does have a behavioral problem that may just include some of the symptoms.

I will try to give you the best background description I can. My son was born completely healthy and hit all of his learning and social skills on time. He is actually very intelligent. He knows how to count and write his numbers up to 30. He knows his entire alphabet and how to write it. He also knows all shapes. He is extremely observant and has an incredible memory. He hardly ever misplaces toys or does not know where he left something. He can do puzzles that are meant for 3-5 year olds very easily and will sit down to complete one from beginning to end by himself. He will watch two hour movies from beginning to end. He is very sociable and makes friends easily. He has never had problems sleeping and still takes two hour naps to this day.

As for what concerns me: He is always on the go. He runs in circles around our house. He pretends he is Spiderman and is always trying to climb the walls and furniture. Sometimes, he will say his alphabet over and over. If we are at a family get together where there are a lot of people, he is even more hyper and will not sit down to eat and will run around and get into trouble. People are always askng him to settle down. He does not listen. I find myself frustrated every day because he will not listen to me. He seems to know exactly what he is doing and keep doing it. He is probably the most stubborn person I know. When he has a temper tantrum, it goes on for almost an hour until he finally gives up. When I ask him to settle down or not run around like crazy when people come over, he does not listen, will do it anyways, and then laugh at me. He does not play with his toys. He is always asking me to do something with him or always seems bored. When his uncles are around he will be loud and obnoxious and try to hit them to get attention or to get them to play fight with him. He knows certain things he is not supposed to say and will say them anyways and watch me to see what reaction I have. When he is going to the bathroom, he will sing a song over and over or say his alphabet over and over.

Some of this stuff sounds ridiculous as I am writing it, but I am concerned because I see very few other boys his age that act the way he does. I am always scared to have others babysit him, because I am worried that they will think he is weird or abnormal. I am afraid that I have done something wrong or that he does have a problem.

Thank you for your time,
Heather

ANSWER: Hello Heather,

I thought I answered this question.  If not please respond again.  I wrote out a long answer but maybe I didn't send it.
Sharon

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Sharon,
No I have not received an answer yet... I just sent this email last night. Thank You!

ANSWER: Hi. Most all of his behavior is very "normal" for an active and apparently very brilliant 3 1/2 year old.  A small child is built to push for independence and so he will push against authority, unless he happens to have a very mild personality and of course, your child is anything but mild.

Now, I will need to know how you handle it when he is running around and getting into trouble and saying words he is not supposed to say and then I can help you with that.

I will say that I believe he needs Montessori school, if at all possible.  He will not do well in a regular classroom, probably.  He is too bright.  A bright child gets bored easily and he is also very social and so he wants to do things with other people.  That is why he is asking you to do things with him.  Does he have friends that can come over to play with him?  It sounds like he needs that.

Now, he also needs big jobs and challenges.  He should be learning how to make a cake from a cake mix, and repair little things, and do big jobs.  Use reverse psychology.  Tell him that you would let him bake a cake but you think he is probably too little. This will make him want to do it and so then you can act like you are reluctant but go ahead and teach him how to do it.  See if he can read the recipe and show him how.  

He needs challenging things and some toys above his age bracket.  By him an erector set, and again use reverse psychology and tell him that you don't think he is old enough to do it and take care of it and see how he responds.  

When he wants you to do something with him tell him that you have to do the laundry and then ask him if he wants to do it with you--not help you--but do it with you.  Then when you are sorting the clothes teach him what you are doing and then start asking him which pile the item goes in.  Ask him questions to get his opinion on things.  

Make sure you play with him a certain amount of time each day and when he is being good go over and pay attention to him. We too often get in the habit of reenforcing bad behavior by ignoring them until they do something bad.  When others come over tell them that he is your partner or your chief engineer or some other positive title.  You are giving him an image to look up to.  when he is misbehaving in public as that is when children usually act up then go take him by the hand to look at the flowers, or something to divert his attention instead of bawling him out.  The less you pay attention to his bad behavior the better.

Now, is your home peaceful with a certain amount of order and routine? Children often reflect what is happening in the home and if there is fighting and no regular schedule that is part of what is happening.  

Give him as many choices as possible between good and good rather than getting into a battle with him.  Instead of eat your vegetables or else.  Ask him if he wants broccoli tonight for his vegetables or green beans.  Ask him which shirt he wants to wear out of these three--things like that so he feels empowered.  Instead of insisting he take your hand to cross the street ask him to help you cross the street safely by taking your hand.

Make him feel important as much as possible.  Also, he should never eat sweet in between meals. That could make him hyper, too.  Any sweets should be after a meal.  

These are a few things that I hope will be helpful.  Please respond to what I have said and asked and we can go from there.  You can go to www.personalityconsultant.com and email me directly.  There might be some info on ADHD there that could be helpful.  Go there soon because within a few days I will have someone working on it to completely redo it.

I want to talk to you more to get more detail.  Talk to you soon.

Sharon Crandall




---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Sharon,

First off...I tried sending an email to the address on your website, but it was automatically returned.

Thank you so much for your response to my question. I will definitely try all of your suggestions. I have a feeling that my son is very intelligent but I just get so frustrated or worried when I see things that set him apart from others. It is funny that you said a 3 year old is built to push for independence because he is extremely independent. He wants to do everything by himself. He gets dressed by himself (which I prefer because when I try to dress him he tries to make it a game and will not stand still..he just runs around and laughs), he wants to make his own sandwiches for lunch, he wants to fold clothes by himself, and he wants to do anything he sees somebody else do.

When he is running around and not listening, I am ashamed to say that I react to the situation in a manner that is obviously not effective. I am a control freak, so when he is misbehaving, I will try to physically subdue him by trying to MAKE him hold still. I will get down to his level and make him look me in the eyes when I tell him to stop what he is doing. If he doesn't listen to me I tell him that he will go in time out if he does it again. Of course, he never does listen, so then I will attempt to put him in time out. This is usually a very tiring and physically intensive task. If I try to pick him up, he will kick and scream and wiggle out of my arms, so I have to either drag him to his room or hold on for dear life. When I finally get him there, he just screams for a little bit, and then he will calm down and say "Mom, I'm happy now!" Then he will come out, I will ask him if he knows why I put him in time out and he will tell me the correct reason why. I will say that he is not to do that again and he will agree with me, but 20 minutes later, guess what? He will do it again.

As for specific things that he does that bother me or make me think he is different: He will stand in front of me and scream or run around like a wild man. When he is around family, he will run around in circles and jump on couches, he will turn lights on and off and laugh. He tries to jump on my husband or his uncles and just go go goes non-stop. I hate it when people look at him like he's weird, but everybody agrees that he is very smart. Also, we just got a new puppy thinking it would be good for him and our family. The first night we brought her home, my husband caught him holding her in a head lock and his friend that was with my son said that he had just been throwing the puppy in the air!  He is getting better around her now, but he still is very overbearing and tries to lay on her or "cuddle her to death".

My mother-in-law says that he is very smart...the smartest boy his age she has ever seen, and she had five boys of her own, but agrees that he is very hyper. Apparently, my husband's brother ( my sons uncle) was the same if not worse when he was that age, but not as intelligent..he actually has a learning disabilty but was tested and not diagnosed with ADHD.

My home is fairly orderly. I am off during the day to take care of him and then my husband takes over after work for the night shift. I usually have the same days off during the week, but my son is at home with my husband both days on the weekends. I try to do the same things each day and spend a little time working with him (coloring books, worksheets,playground when its nice out, etc), but find it hard to come up with new things to do each day. My son is the worst when I am sitting down to watch TV, or when my husband and I aren't doing anything but relaxing. He doesn't seem to be able to find things to keep himself busy, and makes this very apparent. I thik it's understandable that we do need time to relax. My husband and I get along well...but we do have our little arguments every now and then, which we feel guilty about when we realize that they were in front of my son, so we try to avoid doing that in front of him.

I come from a very disorderly family. I was an only child...my father was mentally abusive and an alcoholic. My mother's side was fairly normal, but her father was also alcoholic and mentally abusive. My husband comes from a very close-knit Italian family, but he has always had problems with anxiety, control issues, running away from problems, and anger issues, as well as some dependence on alcohol (which has been addressed and worked on). His father is also a recovering alcoholic. So we have a lot of our own issues that we are working on (successfully!) and have dealt with all our lives.

I hope this gives you a better picture... I look forward to more feedback...thanks again!

Heather

Answer
HI.  My daughter had a friend whose first doctor thought he needed medication.  She took him to another doctor and was told that he was just a very active child and needed a lot of things to do.

She got up at four o'clock every morning and got him into numerous activities.  At 23 years of age he was a tri-athlete, played two musical instruments expertly and spoke three languages.

This is what I think.  I think he has the trait of People Interest which means he needs to do things with others and doesn't do things alone for very long.  He needs friends to play with.  He also is very intelligent and also probably has the trait of unconventional judgment. That is why he does what seems like weird things.  This is a trait that inventors have and even though it is difficult to raise a child with this trait it is normal for him to do crazy-like things.  

He should be playing a musical instrument for sure.  Piano is really good because it utilizes both hands and organizes the brain but any musical instrument would work.  Kids usually know which instrument they want to play.  He needs big tasks that seem more like what older kids or adults would do.  He should be involved in swimming and other sports as soon as possible.  

Now, it sounds like you are doing what is necessary to discipline.  Getting down in his face is what needs to happen to the powerful personality.  Refrain from putting negative labels on him and put positive labels on him as much as possible.  If his father is not very good with him that could be causing some acting out.  This has to be your judgment.

The main thing is not to be embarrassed.  Your son's traits will all work for him in an unusual occupation or in some way when he grows up.  Just accept him and start looking for the genius in him.  Get him involved in as many things as possible where he can excel.  Give him challenges like getting some CD's where he can learn a different language and give him a reward if he will teach you some words of another language.  In other words he needs a challenge in much of what he does.  He is not the type to just sit and play as he needs interaction.  

Get him into cub scouts as soon as he is ready.  Look for group activities where he can learn things and satisfy his People Interest.

Then, remember that a lot of parenting is enduring until they get old enough to be out on their own.  It is tough being a parent and when you have a strong personality type with lots of intelligence then.

OH, I just thought of something.  When he acts out and you put him in time out.  Do not tell him not to do it again.  He already knows the rules and you are inviting him to act out again.  Just take care of it and try to distract him into something challenging.  

Now, I would like to keep track of how things are going and have a book that will help you.  It should be ready in a few weeks and so if you want to contact me, email me at
personalityconsultant1@yahoo.com then I will put you on the list to announce when my book is ready.  It goes into many traits and what to do with these kids.

I wish you the best.

Sharon C.