Expert: Sharon Crandall - 4/14/2010

Question
Hi,
My husband and I have a sensory six year old daughter who is a screamer/complainer, the whole nine yards.  It's not as though she doesn't get attention.  Sometimes it's good attn, and sometimes she needs to be restricted. (We just better be okay with the noise that comes afterwards.)  Ugh, and it's manipulative, you know?  She can turn it on and off at will.  There are spacing out issues at school and failure to work independently within a fair amt. of time, but we and her teacher are working on this with some success so far.

Here's something I would like some input on-- Every morning we've been watching and hearing this child have a melt down.  (And it's okay to find humor in this, as our daughter can sometimes be a riot), but this is time consuming.  The child cannot wear regular pants.  No jeans, no sweat pants, nothing that floats at the inseam.  She needs skin-tight stretch pants that will not move.    Some stretch pants her size are (still) too loose.  And she's not skinny.  She's 50 percentile on weight and height.   It's difficult to shop successfully.  A smaller size means total high waters which look ridiculous.   What is this all about?  She has been throwing fits in the morning, and she needs to change her clothing status every day after school.  If it will make her a lot of money when she's 21, then fine.  But she's 6.   
Is this a normal faze that ends any time soon?  Her usual good pants are now starting to become unacceptable, and I'm running out of wardrobe!   Hey, at least we can laugh.  :)

Answer
Dear Chrissy,

Am I to understand that your six year old has a melt down because she has to wear a certain kind of pants? I don't mean to be hard on you but bear with me through the whole answer before you react. I suggest a whole program but let's start here:

Who is the parent here? You are not telling me that a six year old is controlling you to the point that you give in to whatever she wants to wear to school? If I am understanding you correctly, my first thought is that if I were her mother I would give her a choice between two pairs of pants that she can wear to school and if she has a melt down I would haul her out to the car in her underwear and tell her that she can go like that to school. Otherwise she is going to wear one or the other of the two pairs of pants.

If she controls you over pants to wear now just wait until she is 12 or 13.

As a parent you look at your child and say, "You do not get to choose what you wear. That is a parent decision. I get to make that decision. As parents we pay the rent, buy the groceries, pay for the car to take you here and there and by all your clothes. When you are big enough to do all that by yourself then you get to make those decisions. Until then we, as parents, make these decisions for you. Now, I will give you a choice between A, B, or C and that is it.

It is important that they have a little choice but oh, boy, if one of my kids did that I would be the big, bad mother so fast their little heads would swim. If they screamed and yelled--too bad. Give her choices only between good and good.  "You can have carrots for your vegetable tonight or you can have green beans, which do you want?" Things like that.

Will their be a fight? You bet! If she has gotten away with this she is going to go into orbit, but she will be a very miserable person if she gets away with this kind of stuff because it will get worse and a child who is out of control and allowed to do this develops a very poor self-image. They need to know there are boundaries where they are safe.

Now, if this is requirement of the school, then that is a different matter.  Please tell me if I misunderstood your question.

You see, it is a matter of believing in your child. If you believe your child is so weak that she has to have her own way or she will be miserable and unhappy then you are feeding her poor self-image. If you believe in her and tell her you know she is much smarter than all this nonsense; and tell her you no longer will tolerate it but expect good behavior from her because you know she is a good person, then she will eventually change her behavior.

Children who are highly intelligent are very manipulative but if you have a heart to heart with her and ask her what she wants in life--what does she want to grow up to be, etc. Then tell her that the only way she will be happy and successful in life is to learn to make yourself do things that you really do not want to do. Tell her that part of life for everyone is doing things you do not like to do.  Then tell her that you clean the toilets because you have to keep your toilets clean to be healthy, even though you do not like cleaning toilets. Tell her, that grownups all have to do things they do not like to do and she she must learn to do the same.

Tell her that you  will know she is a grown up when she learns how to cheerfully do things she doesn't like to do.

This gives her something to work for.  Then you have rewards for grown up behavior. Go to a movie, play with a friend, or something else.

Also, at the same time, kids like this need music lessons, dance lessons, sports activities and big challenges. She could learn to cook and other things that are "grown up". Teach how to do lots of things, maybe sew, or things you would not ordinarily think of for a six year old but these are the things that these kids need and it builds their self-image and keeps them focused on things of value and things that really give them satisfaction. When you feed the positive it helps alleviate negative behavior because their needs are being fulfilled.

My daughter had a friend, age 23, who was diagnosed as ADHD by one doctor but another doctor told her that he was just a very smart and active child. She got the kid up very early each morning and got him into sports, music and other activities. At age 23 he spoke three languages, played several musical instruments and was a tri-athlete. My daughter was so impressed by this kid and because I sometimes work with kids like this and thought this was a great example of someone turning lemons into lemonade, so to speak. Some kids need lots of big challenges to spend all that energy, both mental and physical.

Basically, what you are doing is helping him spend that energy/need for power into positive ways to feel powerful.

I do hope this helps.  Your girl needs a whole program like this, I believe, if I have read your question correctly. Keep my name and let me know what is happening. I can be contacted through my website below.

Bless you.

Sharon Crandall
www.personalityconsultant.com