Expert: Sharon Crandall - 8/18/2010

Question
Dear Sharon,

Before anything, I THANK YOU for volunteering your time to help people out.

Apologies for a lengthy question but I wanted to pour as much details as I could.

We are a Christian family of four with a 5 year old daughter and a 15 year old son.
Since my son started school he has been different from others: In his primary years he was a bit tough with schoolmates but usually bright in most subjects. School has complained about him being too tough and also not listening, not following instructions and his mother was of the believe that maybe the school was not very accomodating and he might be better off going to another school. After spending his first 4 years of schooling in this christian school, we moved him to another one. This other school had even a more limited buffer than the other one and escalated to us all his mishaps straightaway.
The common behavior that I noticed in my son was disagreement to instructions and opposition to hierarchy in most of his dealings.
The alarming part for us and the school was that the boy is very influencial and can be very kind, nice, accomodating and friendly at times (actually all the times for his selected few). On the other hand he does not like to listen: not to a teacher, principle, schoolbus driver or supervisors.
At this time his sister was born and this did not make things any better.
When school complained of him being a bully particularly for younger students, we frankly shared with them that he is superkind and caring to his sister but it did not help and after one year in this school, they nicely asked us to take him somewhere else.
A bit of a snapshot on our family life: we have no relatives as we are migrants but we always tried to have friends with kids in his age. My self and my wife are both successful fulltime professionals (but what is success if I don't have good kids)!
My son has always been superactive and loves sports but whenever a scuffle arises, chances are my son is involved or is at the heart of it.
People suggested he might have ADD or ADHD so we went to see the family doctor who referred us to have him sit for tests which when I read the rsults sounded more vague than anything (I thought if you pick any kid and test him, he won't be much different) but under pressure from his mum we started him on Retalin which I have to say did not help a single bit other that the boy being a smart kid used it as an excuse when he got in trouble.
So there we were with a schoolboy of only ten or eleven years of age going to his third school. Allow me to add that all schools in his lifetime are expensive private schools as we wanted to secure a certain level of education and company for him.
In this school the boy (not different from before but much more obvious) was totally loved, lovable and enjoying every day at school: Academically most of his teachers complained that he is fully distracting and distracted but when he put his mind into something, his work could be among the best. Socially everybody loved him and he started drums and became the school drummer  and that raised his self-esteem more more once again every now and then he confronted a teach or supervisor and got himself in trouble.
Time after time, his lack of respect to authority got him in more troubles than anyone in the school historyand three years down the track the school couldn't take it any more and they nicely asked us to leave, this only happened after a series of "last chances" which ended up being abused by the boy who thought he was invincible.
All through his ups and downs, all family members have been fully supporting (most of the times as sometimes who cannot help getting frustrated or loosing your cool) but even at some points in time, school admitted that they only kept him knowing how good is his family and how supportive we were of him.
So we went again at the age of fourteen looking for another school for him. I am even ashamed to say it but at this school he only lasted six weeks and he got caught with a little pocket knife in his bag and he got kicked out on the spot.
I went asking the school he attended first (when he originally started school) to accept him back without giving them much details and they accpted him in which is the start of this current school year (2 months late due to the last hiccup).
The community in this school is of small size and I think the boy found that he lost the big buzz and blonde girls around him and as a result, his academical work which has been such average most of the time fell to close to nothing and we fight for days until he studies for one hour. He even wants to move again and go to a public school.
He turned 15 lat month and things are not going any better, I caught him with a pack of cigarette and a pack of marijuana in his bag although he did not manifest any signs of smoking or drugs at all. All he wants to do is use the phone, internet, watch TV and on the weekend go out to see friends (but we still all go to church on Sunday together).
I am at loss, at the age of 45, first time I saw drugs in my life was when I caught it with my teenage son, I am devastated and have been crying for 2 days.
I will do anything in life, anything humanly possible or impossible to win him and get him on track.
I don't know where to start, we have spoken to the priest in our church who has spoken to the boy but...as if it did not happen, you probably know what I'm talking about.
Last night I was talking to him and trying to put a plan for the week with him in order to do some studying and reading and so on and upon having a bit of a conflict with his mother (just because she wouldn't drive him to the shops) he started saying things like: I hate this family and when I went to his room he told me: I have no one to talk to and no one in my age in this house.

Well, that's what I can think of.
There must be something I am overlooking.
Please help me if you can.

A devastated caring family in distress

Thanks heaps

Answer
Hello,

Well, it is difficult to say why this is happening but I do not think that ADD is the problem at all. It actually sounds like your method of discipline is just to talk to him and try to persuade him to do what he should be doing instead of being strict with him and being a strong parent.

He sounds very spoiled and so at this point I think the only thing that would help you is to attend parenting classes. You do not struggle with a child for days  to get him to do something. Either he does it or he gets severe consequences--no TV, no video games, no desserts, no playing with friends, etc. until he gets his homework done.  

Believe me, talking to a strong minded child without having serious consequences if they do not obey is like talking to a wall. They are masters at manipulation and always have excuses for their behavior. The problem is that he has not been disciplined, from what I can see so far in what you have told me.

I can't teach you how to do this in one or two letters. I suggest classes on Tough Love.

Wish I could be more help but I think it will take more extensive help than I can give you here.

Sharon Crandall
www.personalitysciencesays.blogspot.com