Expert: Sharon Crandall - 1/19/2011

Question
my daughter is 9 yr old in 4th grade. she do academically very well in written exams. i have a son 2.5 yr old. my daughter has problem of responsibility and is careless. She has started behaving very lazy. She will forget to flush after toilet, or put off the heater. abt her homework. then very convincingly she lies if questions r asked. in areas where its not necessary to lie, she does. while solving her questions at home she has started cheating. i just hope she is nit doing in school. she looks ans in back and mark them and says she has finished. when she has to meet or mix socially she is hesitant. she play but not everyday. she gets upset on anysmall thing, but at home she dosent speak about it. if some work is told she forgets many times. after all this, in school her teacher says she is fine. her relation with her brother is very loving. she likes to play with him and adores him. i m confused as why she gets scared of studies at home. when i sit with her she just dont speak and in fear tell lies. please help

Answer
Hi Pine,

Is she afraid of you and perhaps of your disapproval and criticism? It is very easy for we as parents to get in the mode where the best way to get attention is for a child to do negative things. Lying usually indicates a lack of self-esteem and fear of consequences. It is also to get attention.

This is what I would do. I would back off in your expectations of her for a week (ignore all the little things she does wrong) and start doing things with her individually where you can laugh and have fun with no criticism and where you make it a point to say things to her like: "You are really smart." "You are a lot of fun to be with." "I really like you." "Good job." "You really did a good job with that."

Then you tell her you love her no matter whether she does well in school or not, that you are there and will always love her. Then, in the future make it a point to pay her a genuine compliment at least once a day where you smile at her.

What you are doing is developing a relationship with her to let her know she is special and loved just like baby, only in her way and that she is okay without any special accomplishments, but that you just love her.

Then sit down with her after a few days to do her homework and tell her that you want her to do her homework because it will make her feel good inside to accomplish something and that you want her to be happy because you love her so much and know that if she does well in school then she will be happier in her life. Tell her how proud you are of her in such and such ways that you have noticed and can pick out. Tell her that she doesn't have to lie to you that you will love her no matter what she does right or what she does wrong. Tell her that you just need to know so that you can help her, if necessary.

If this does not work then something more serious is going on so let me know how this goes. I can be reached through my private email by emailing me through my website, www.personalityconsultant.com

I do hope this helps.

Bless you,

Sharon Crandall
www.personalityconsultant.com