Expert: Sharon Crandall - 1/27/2011

Question
QUESTION: I have a daughter who is 39, diagnosed about 10 years ago both as being genius and add............my question is as her mother I know she exhibited no signs or symptoms growing up.....no failing grades or teacher concerns in school.....but, she has convinced herself that she went through great drama as a child and doesn't want to move forward....lots of blaming going on...and poor me stuff....it isn't that I want to defend myself (she is 1 of 3 children)  youngest and spoiled....yes but....I would simply like an approach that directs her to realizing that perhaps her difficulties really started at a point in her life when she was needing to be responsible and make decisions for herself etc and move her away from it all being about her childhood.......this concept is causing her to flounder and accept her son's add as ....oh well, I made it through high school and so will he.....when in fact he has EVERY teacher concerned, including a guidance counselor recommending a 504....but...in her mind she was fine so he'll get through it too.  She never had an f on her report card (although she thinks she had all fs).....it's somehting I'm sure you have heard before but I would really like to have a leg to stand on as I attempt to help her move on and help her son.  Gosh...alot of words..any help appreciated. Barb

ANSWER: Dear Barb,

Growing up is traumatic for most people because we are imperfect people practicing on being parents--learning as we go. Since she is found to be genius, almost all genius types have great difficulty in school because the way their brain works is that tend to complicate things. So, take heart in that she will eventually realize you did a good job.

The problem is that until she has more life experiences I doubt if you will change her mind so I would let it go. While she seems to be ignoring her son's problems, eventually, she will have to face them.  As to her son, I am very much opposed to medication for ADD/ADHD except in very, very extreme cases because it keeps people from understanding their personality traits and learning traits and learning how to work with them. There are all sorts of alternative methods of helping people use their brain in more productive ways.

Now, again concerning your grandson. There is not much you can do. You might encourage him taking music lessons, which helps organize the brain. Any games you could play with him might also help him to organize his brain.

It is tough to help others see the truth of their situation when they have already made up their mind a certain way. Other than saying things when she complains like, "Well, life is pretty much you make of it and many people have had tremendous problems they have overcome.

Now, here is something to consider. Sometimes all people need is to really have someone listen to them and let them get out their feelings and thoughts without others making judgments, preaching at them, etc. Perhaps you might tell her that she has said several things indicating that life was tough for her when she was growing up and tell her that it is hard for you to understand it because she always had good reports and report cards but apparently, there was more going on that you would like to know about.  Then listen, listen, listen. Ask questions and invite her to tell you more.  Let her get it all out, if she will, without your getting your feelings hurt, going on the defensive, etc. Even though her view of her past might not be accurate, she has convinced herself that it is real and so your validating her experience might help her to feel more kindly toward you.  If you can have the will power to listen without reacting negatively in any way with hints, hurt or negative looks on your face, it might be just what she needs to get over this.  Tell her you are glad she shared her feelings with her and that you are sure she is smart enough to do what is necessary to overcome her experiences.

This way you are acknowledging that her feelings are real but you are not giving in to the pity party but expressing your belief in her that she is capable of building a good life for herself. Keep a loving and caring attitude toward her and be patient. She will learn eventually. Make sure no one bails her out when she uses her problems as excuses to fail in any way but keep expressing to her that she is smart and can figure out her life. The best way for people to learn is to face the consequences of their actions or lack of action.

I wish I had a magic answer for you but each person has to learn their own lessons and that makes us quite helpless in helping others until they are ready.

I wish you the best.

Sharon Crandall
www.personalityconsultant.com





---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: My grandson isn't on meds, what alternatives would you recommend and most importantly, he is almost driving age and I so want him to have somewhat better control before he gets behind the wheel.  Meds have many side effects but.....so can a distracted driver.  Direction? Thanks Barb

Answer
Hi. Some children should not drive, even if they are of the age. That is because the frontal lobes do not fully develop until around age 25 which enables a person to anticipate consequences. Some children develop that area quicker than others and some also have traits that make it more difficult to anticipate consequences.

Meds are addictive and can cause heart problems later on, as well. Most kids just need all sorts of activities--sports, music  very important in organizing the brain), games that develop the brain. Go online and look up alternatives to Ritalin and you will find some things. There is music therapy. There is the Drake Institute--not sure what their program is but it has come highly recommended.

Go to my website and click on raise dynamite children and you will find some info that might be helpful for understanding how having traits that make it difficult to concentrate are actually traits that indicate talents in other areas that are necessary for our world.

There are many types of talents and genius and not all fit into the sit down, memorize and take tests. It is important observe our children's talents and aptitudes so that we can recognize what talents are there and the potential so we can direct the child to areas that recognize their talents. Most schools are not good for many, if not most, children because they only recognize one type of child and  do not have good learning programs and environment for creative and/or active children with different talents.

Keep doing your research.