Expert: Sharon Crandall - 3/22/2011

Question
Hi,
 My daughter is 5 years old and has been showing extreme signs of violence and destruction. Me and her father separated about 9 months ago and it does seem like everything started right about that time. She recently made an accusation of molestation by a friend of her fathers that after investigation by police and social services  was proven to be false. She had made the whole thing up.This was the breaking point for me. I need help with her. My daughter kicks me, bites me and I have to supervise her constantly. The last time she was left to play alone in her room she found a pair of scissors(which I had hidden after she cut her hair) and cut up her blinds in her room, cut up all her toys, including busting her play balls and cutting her stuffed animals up. If she doesn't get her way she explodes and becomes extremely violent. I've tried time outs, and taking privileges away but with the time outs she just gets up over and over and over. When I would carry her back to time out( as much as 100 times in a single time out) she would bite, kick, smack, she's even chipped my tooth. It got to the point I put a lock on the outside of her door to make her stay in for the 5 minute timeout and she kicked the door over and over until she broke the lock.  She tells me she will kill me if I don't let her out of time out and she's only 5! Once her time out is over she's still so worked up the anger continues because I've took privileges away or she's just so made she's telling me she hates me and can't stand me and then will want to go back to her destructive ways. She has a 2 year old brother and she has pushed him down on the floor before. I'm scared to leave them alone to play for fear her violence might escalate. I myself have some psychiatric conditions that are well controlled by medicine by I'm wondering if maybe she's showing early signs of a psychiatric condition? Since my daughters false accusation I've been working with a social worker whom I've confided all my daughters issues too. Me and my husband are in the process of having a counselor come see my daughter once a week at my house and once a week at my husband's house. I've also made a well child appointment with her pediatrician to discuss her behaviors. The social workers also said it might be a good idea for me to take some parenting classes to better help me deal with her because I'm just at my wit's end. She has no problems at school, with the exception of one phone call home for interrupting her teacher and lying. She's a very smart child, but I'm very afraid if I don't get this problems under control now I never will. Do you have any ideas of what may be going on with or any ideas on how to better deal with these behaviors until I can get these counseling sessions started? Thank you so much!
April

Answer
Dear April,

It really is impossible for me to help you very much in this kind of situation but I will try to help you think about a few things that might help.  First of all, you say she is very intelligent and therein lies a lot of the problem. She is probably very highly intelligent and most schools and counselors are just not equipped to help these kids, and unfortunately will probably end up drugging her. While I sympathize with that under the circumstances, it is such a waste of intelligence and talent.

First of all she is intelligent and very angry at the breakup of you and your husband. Very intelligent but feeling very, very helpless to do something about it but smart enough to think that she should be able to do something about it. The first thing you must do is to talk to her as though she were 20 years old. This means that you must tell her that she has a right to be angry about you and your husband's breakup but this is only the first thing that is happening in her life that is really hard. Tell her that there will be many more things happen that she will not like but that God gave her a mind and he gave her the ability to handle anything that happens in her life and that if she continues to choose this kind of behavior then she will be unhappy the rest of her life. Then tell her stories of other children who have gone through really terrible things and how they turned their lives around to be happy and to do much good in the world and that she can do that, too, if she wants to do so.

Tell her that it is her choice to be either happy or unhappy and that you wish you could provide the perfectly happy life for her but you cannot and that you are suffering, too, but choose not to go out and hurt other people.

She needs a reality check and must be treated as though she were much older. I would take her down to the worst part of town and have her see the homeless people and how they live. Then, I would take her to the children's ward in the hospital where they have the worst illnesses. Then take her with you to do some volunteer work of some kind so that she can get the feeling of doing good for others and having compassion for others and get to see the others' situations that will  help put her own unhappiness in perspective. Do not ask her or tell her what you are going to do ahead of time as that will give her too  much opportunity to have a fit. Tell her you have a very important thing to do and that she needs to go with you.

People need to have meaning in their lives and right now, probably because of the breakup, she has lost the meaning of her life. Her accusing someone of abuse shows much intelligence and also a cry to find meaning for her life. Just being a little girl and going to school is not enough for these intelligent children who need big projects. Doing volunteer work with her and then having her come up with an idea for a project to help others such as creating stories with puppets or with visual story boards, or something like that, to take to hospitals and tell stories to these kids with cancer.

Parents too often go the opposite way and try to shelter their children to make them feel better about what is happening in their lives when they need just the opposite--a reality check--to let them know that there is real suffering out there.

Give her meaning and purpose for her life and let her see some real grownup kind of stuff and take some grownup responsibilities.

Tell her that she is very smart and she can keep up this kind of behavior if she wants but that it won't bring her happiness. Tell her that if she is trying to hurt you, that yes it hurts to see your daughter hate you so much but that pretty soon you will be okay but she will still be unhappy because doing things like she is doing will not make her happy. Tell her, that it might feel good in the moment but it doesn't last.

Tell her that happiness is a choice and she can choose to be happy or not.  You must make her feel responsible for her own feelings and actions because she is. Then ask her to give you some ideas of how going through this separation could be better.

She obviously feels very POWERLESS so every thing you can do to give her some control in her life the better. Make sure she has choices in her life. Give her as many choices between good and good as possible and then praise her for her decisions. Such as, "Here are four outfits, which one do you want to wear to school today?" Let her choose. "Do you want carrots, corn, or peas for your vegetable for dinner?"

Also get big projects for her. Tell her you are going to teach her how to make bread Saturday, or cook something. She must, must, must have a feeling of accomplishment.  People need to be needed more than they need to be loved. Tell her that you are also going through a rough time and need her to help you so that both of you can be happier. Parents too often feel like they want to shelter their children from all responsibilities and problems while the child really needs to feel like they have some say and control. While you need to make it clear when it is an adult or mom decision so that she doesn't end up running the household, keep clear definitions as to who is mom and who is the child, there are many, many ways to have her share in doing things that will give her a sense of control and accomplishment.

Have her help you make out the shopping list and look through the ads and find the best prices and make up the shopping list from what she finds.  Keep her busy, busy, busy with various projects--the bigger the better. Things you would give a 12 year old.

I really do hope this helps and would love some feedback if it does. You can email me through my website, www.personalityconsultant.com and let me know how things are going.

Bless you,

Sharon Crandall
www.personalityconsultant.com