Expert: Tim Runner - 4/20/2011

Question
My son was diagnosed with ADHD in 5th grade.  Medication didn't seem to work.  He was kicked out of catholic school in 8th grade with 3 months of the year left.  The public school on at least 2 occasions denied me anything but a 504 plan.  His GPA was around 2.4 through his junior year.  This fall the bottom fell out.  I believe the overwhelm of what to do after high school put too much pressure on him he started to self destruct.  Skipping school, hanging with the wrong crowd, defiance in inappropriate social activites, including 2 physical fights.  I finally got him an IEP after struggles beyond belief.  He started therapy and we put him on anti-depressants.  Things turned around and I finally felt that I found my son.  He decided he didn't like the way he felt on the medication and he stopped taking it.  I tried to encourage him to take it.  After 2 weeks off the medication defiance was beginning to surface so I made a doctor appointment to switch brands of anti-depressant.  We got the prescription but he won't take it.  We are probably 4 week off of medication and things are getting bad again.  He has time with special Ed first hour where he is to do homework, get help with large assignments, teach him how to organize and to check into services colleges will offer.  He stopped going to this class.  He hosted a major alcohol party at our house while we were out of town.  The house got wrecked and our GPS was stolen.  We took away his new car, his phone and told him he needed to make it to first hour everyday until the school year ends.  For everyday he didn't go, we would add a day to keeping his car and phone.  Two days since the consequences were set, he was late first hour and the second day he was late first and second hour.  I also received an email from one of his teachers stating that he is way behind on a project and if he doesn't get it done, he won't pass the class, therefore won't graduate from high school.  

I don't understand why he won't take the medication and why he "wants" to self sabotage himself.  I don't know how to help and I also know I need to let go until he wants help.  However, it seems to me letting him fail high school creates even more obstacles for him that just further perpetuates his issue.  I also feel responsible that he didn't get the help he needed 7 years ago.  How much of his behavior is his "choice" and how much of it is a skill set deficiency.  Everyone tells me he has to learn to help himself.  Really?  Can he do that with these issues he is dealing with?  It's like asking someone with one shorter leg to win the race if he "chooses" to win.  I don't buy it, but that is what I need to understand.  Am I wrong?  Also, finding information on a situation like mine is virtually impossible.  Everything I read is for younger children.  Those methods don't work and/or it's too far gone.

Desperate...........

Answer
Laurie,

My heart goes out to you, but the help you and your son need is way beyond what I am qualified to give you. My recommendations are that you need to talk with a psychologist to get ideas on what to do. Maybe family counseling? Individual counseling? The problem is so serious it may take drastic actions beyond counseling. Your son's peer group and his bad choices are not easily changed, especially with him continuing at the school he attends.

I do have one recommendation for you to consider, I have a number of students I represent that have been placed in residential treatment centers (RTC) at school districts' expense. These RTCs offer a very structured environment, lots of individual and group therapy, and a chance for a student to restart their life in a very positive way. In order to qualify students for this, I have to be able to show that they are not receiving educational benefit in their present placement. Visit my website to learn more about this. It might be an option for your son. You might consider retaining my services to conduct a Case Review to determine if I feel your son is a good candidate for this. I have to warn you, it usually requires filing for Due Process to achieve an RTC placement due to their high costs ($10-14,000 per month). But most of the students I represent that have gone to RTCs have benefited greatly from them. Given that it sounds like your son is out of control and spiraling down, this may be the approach needed. The fact that your son is 18 years old complicates things because he will have to agree to go since he is an adult under California law.

I wish you and your son the best,
Tim Runner, Advocate
Advocates for Kids
Email: timrunner@gmail.com
Phone: (949) 582-3601
You can learn more at my web site:
www.special-education-answers.com