Expert: Sharon Crandall - 11/17/2006

Question
Help.  I adopted my daughter at a year old.  She's now 8.  I noticed about a year ago I couldn't take her being so hyper.  One time I held onto her said "can you just try to stand still for a minute?"  I think she thought I was joking as she just laughed.  It's gotten better, but her focus is so  off.  She is doing terrible in school.  She is behaving badly and we can't take much more.  The school is the pits.  I called today regarding an issue where she forged my husband's signature and wanted to discuss it, but they never called back.  I'm so fed up.   Is this hopeless?  What kind of medication helps?  Are there things I can do now for her?  Thanks.

Answer
Dear Lisa,
IT is very difficult to adopt because a child's innate traits are usually so different than a child who gets some of your genetics.  Perhaps I can help a little.

The first thing to do is to sit down with her and ask her what her dreams are.  Ask her what she dreams about doing when she grows up.  Get her thinking about the future and what she wants.  Children these days are often very bright and have a sense of purpose.  If they are smart like that they often feel like they are wasting their time in school and that they just want to be out and doing what they were born to do.

She is a unique person who has dreams and desires that are inside her and so if you can touch her heart in this manner she might co-operate.  If she confides in you as to what she wants to do then ask her how would she go about doing it.  Get her to thinking about how you get to do the things you want to do.  Let her know that it always takes doing the hard thing first.  

Perhaps you can share how you started out doing something and not liking it but then when you kept at it, then you got to do more of what you liked.  Tell her that we all do things we don't like to do such as housework (if you don't like to do it) or something that you do but don't like to do.  Tell her that we do things we don't like to do in order to have the things we want and in order to do other things we really like to do.  

I know a mother who was told that her son was hyper and needed medication.  Then another doctor told her that her son did not need medication but needed lots of activity.  My daughter met this young man when he was 23 and he was an accomplished musician, playing 3 musical instruments, was a tri-athlete, and spoke three languages fluently because his mother got him up at 5 each morning and filled his life so full it channeled all that energy into the positive.

It sounds like this girl is very bright and needs some big goals to work toward.  She also needs positive attention.  Tell her that you are going to get up with her each morning and go walking and really keep her busy.

Look for other schools to take her to.  Where do you live?  Do you live where there are charter schools? Can you afford Montessouri school for her?  

Try playing games with her.  Play board games with her.  Play with her and get to know her.  Tell her that you want to be a good mother to her and tell her that you want her to be a good daughter, too, and that you both will learn together how to do that.

Tell her that there are some rules she must follow and that forging your husband's signature is definitely breaking a very important rule.  Tell her that you want to trust her and so that when she goes to school she will do the things that will make you proud of her.  

Talk to her like she is older.  Ask her what rules she thinks are important--have her pretend to be the mother and set some rules for the daughter.  

I could really help you more but it might take some consulting as I need to know more about her personality and how you talk to her, etc.  

Tell her that you want to help her have a happy life and that you need to sit down with her so that she will learn what to do to be happy. Then talk about the things I have mentioned above.  

Set rules, but make them few as possible but be very strict about them.  Give her big challenges such as learning how to cook, learning musical instruments, etc.  

I am sure you have a very special child here and it is a matter of getting to know her and what she really wants in life and helping her work toward those things.

Please respond again. Feel free to email me at personalityconsultant1@yahoo.com.  I can help you a bit more and then would need to set up some consulting, if you are open to it.  I take people according to income.  

P.S. Out and out punishment usually does not work, but having consequences to her breaking rules is the answer.

Think about this and respond with more information. I will do my best to help you and am so glad you wrote to me.

Sharon Crandall
Life is for Living Consultant/Coach