Expert: Christine D. DeLoatch, MA CCC-SLP - 1/11/2006

Question
My 11 yr old son has ADHD and ODD.  He has sucked the life out of me; as a result I am extremely resentful towards him.  Since he was 2 I have taken parenting classes, taken him to counseling, and I have had counseling as well.  Last September he spent 2 weeks in a behavioral health center.  Nothing seems to help him or me.  The bottom line is I can't stand to be around him and it is getting worse every day.  My husband (his biological father) feels the same way I do.  It doesn't help that my 4 yr old son was diagnosed with cancer last July.  I feel like a horrible person because of these feelings.  I am depressed, I drink too much and I have too much anxiety.  Do you think I am making it worse on him or is some of what I'm feeling normal?  We live in Summerville, SC.  Resources seem to be limited and so is my time even though I'm not working right now.  Lately, I am often at the hospital more than I'm at home.  

Answer
Dear JC,

Thanks for asking me your question.  The answer to your questions is yes, these are normal feelings for a very stressful situation, and I know that you need your feeling validated.  

Let's look at some other aspects of the situation here.  I think we need to see how we can make the best of your time.  I'm sure that some of you time is spent waiting while at doctors offices so you may want to put some of that time to good use.  First things first.  Identify what the problems areas are? Is he having problems in school?  Aggression? What? Be specific.  

Do you have a journal? You could begin one by answering that question.  Try to journal.  Writing down negative feeling helps get them out so you can deal with them.  They may not seem so bad once they are on paper. Also write down the specific challenges. (Also write down the positive points in your life.  That's also important).

Next you could explore your options?  Do you know about respite or know if respite is a service that is available to you in Summerville? (Respite a place or family where you son can stay for a night or two or even maybe a week so that you and your husband can have a break).

You really may need to contact a social worker so that you can find out about some more intensive programs or intervention/help.  See if there is an at-risk program through mental health.  

Third, address your own isses.  Do you have a counselor?  Are you taking any medication for your anxiety and depression?


In the mean time you may want to try this silly sounding stress management technique. Bubbles. If you don't have any bubbles in the house- you may want to start there.  You and your sons could enjoy bubbles; they is easy breathing exercises without anyone thinking about it.  Relaxing you and maybe helping things from time to time.

The truth is your question isn't about whether or not you are making it harder on your older son or not - the answer is that you don't seem to have the amount of coping skills needed to handle the current situation or you wouldn't be self-medicating through alcohol.



If agression is a large part of your son's problem and you have fear along with your fatigue, as a last resort you may need to consider therapeutic foster care, a social worker and explain when you may need to look into that option.   

I do pray that I have given you some suggestions - and that if you heed only one, you seek out a psychiatrist if you don't have one already.  It is better to be on prescription mediction that is monitored, than to drink too much and carry around all the guilt.  You do not want to add to you load by making alcoholism part of the package.  

My prayers are with you.  Write again if you need to.  

All my blessings,

Christine