Expert: Dr Billy Levin - 8/23/2006

Question
My husband (55 yrs. old) was diagnosed with ADD/ADHD 5 1/2 years ago.  We've been married 30 long, difficult years.  He acts as though HE is the normal one and everybody else has a problem.  He has asked me numerous times over the years how to do various things, but when I try to show him, he ends up getting mad because he can't understand simple instructions.  He gets "lost" from the very start.  (I have never had any trouble teaching anyone else and having them understand.)  He ALWAYS blames his shortcomings on me or our kids or anyone else that he thinks he can pin it on.  Forget counseling, he says there's nothing wrong with him.  I know I have made it this far with him, but he has been so difficult to live with that I wish I had never met him.  If I try to leave (I have twice), he makes remarks that he could "pick me off" and threatens to get his gun, so I'm still here acting like we have a normal relationship.  I fear for the safety of my family and friends, not to mention myself, if I try to leave him.  He seems to understand these people that go "postal".  I certainly do not want anybody put in danger because I tried to leave him.  He even had an affair six years ago, but denies it was an affair because according to him "we didn't have a marriage".  His thinking always seems to be backwards and he twists everything around to make him look like he does nothing wrong.  Is this behavior typical for ADD/ADHD people?

Answer
If I may assume the original diagnosis was correct, then firstly is you husband on medication for his ADD, which is essential. Next, what you describe is a rather a serious complidcation of ADD, namely "Dysrationale".The person has no or little ability to reason logically. They will not be able to see how wrong they are and sincerely feel everybody else is wrong. The ADD condition makes them say or do without thinking, with little impulse control, thus causing problems, but they feel it is never their fault. This is a very risky situation for all concerned. You should seek urgent medical advice and professional conselling for your husband. Once he sees reason if he is on treatment, it is not working and needs adjusting. If he is not on treatment a doctor will advise you on what medical treatment he shouldv be on.