Expert: Christine D. DeLoatch, MA CCC-SLP - 1/12/2006

Question
Hello, my name is Linda and I am the mother of three children ages 3,5,9.  I am in a terrible rut. My 9 year old's grades are suffering badly because of his lack of interest. He goes to school and would rather play around, doodle, and talk to friends rather than study. When the teacher actually sees him doing something quietly at his desk and assumes he is doing the assignment, she finds out that he was actually doodling or daydreaming. He always forgets his daily planner that I am supposed to sign or when he does remember it he has not written down the assignment. He does his homework the same way, either forgetting some or all of it most of the time. There are consequences for this, he must walk the two blocks back to school, rain, sleet, or snow and get what he has left behind, he doesn't seem to like that very much but it hasn't deterred it any. I have him going to tutoring in the mornings before school and I have seen nothing from it thus far.
I guess my question is, how do I get him to care about his future? I understand that at this age the future is next weekend but I need him to put in some effort! All his teachers say that if he just put even 75% effort into his studies that he would easily attain A's and B's! I am pulling my hair out here! I have even gotten a counselor coming to the house 4 days a week to talk to him but that has really just started. Anything else for me to do? Ideas?
Here is my second dilemma, my 5 year old is on an IEP for speech delay and emotional delay(?) When told no or wait he gets so mad that he kicks things, or throws fits and gets so angry! I try to talk him down so to speak but he just gets angrier! So I have to walk away and say okay you deal with it your way. If he gets mad at his brother or sister then he can really get mean and a little menacing, acting like he is going to hit them or take something from them. Other times he is soooo loving! I just need some ideas on making him a happier child. I love all my children so much! But I am worried about him in school too. His teacher showed me at conference that when he gets angry or upset there about his work or if he falls behind then he crumples up his work or tears it or cuts it up, even if working with a partner. Any suggestions would be wonderful.

Thank you so much for your time! If this reads like a VCR manual then I apologize but I am really going through a lot of emotional things here.

Linda

Answer
Dear Linda,

Thanks for asking my your questions.  Let start with your 9 year old.  First of all ask him what he wants to be when he grows up.  (I expect an I don't know response).  If you get a good answer, any good answer, you have your in. Frame as much as you can around that career.  You can make appointment for him to meet that type of person. In a nutshell you get him a bit of a mentor.  You can see about getting stickers, you can see about making him a folder with his planner in it that has the profession on it, etc.  You can even call him "Johnny- future doctor."  Whatever works. That's for the motivation part.  

The the thing is with the homework and the forgetfulness there is an issue of now & not now that structure needs to help. So... I have to ask what kind of structue do you have in place?

Number 1, does he have an IEP or 504 plan?  

Number 2, when and where is he supposed to write down his assignments?  Does he have to show the teacher that his assignments are written down before he can leave the classroom?  If you need to, change the method of the planner - go simpler.  Get a tiny note book spiral flip up type and use a zipper pull and put on the backpack.  On the way out the door he has to flip it up to show today's homework was written down - new date.  When he finishes the homework at home - he checks it off with a highlighter & you put your initals on it at the bottom of the page.  Basically the little notebook is the Exit ticket.  If he doesn't have it, he doesn't leave the classroom or the house. If he has to write down his assignments several times during the day (which I don't advise- I think that should be a modification until he is successful at just writing it all down at one time), he could turn in a laminated card into a mailbox on the teacher's desk that said math homework - he'd put in the one for the assignment that he copied.  The teacher would then know that he did or did not copy all the homework he needed.  

Another question: What is the incentive to getting his homework assignments written down & completed say 4 days out of the week? Is there some kind of reward?  Does he get to stay up 30 more minutes on Friday night?  Does he get to have pizza for breakfast?  Does he get ice cream?  It can be really simple.  

Now there are my suggestions for your older son.  On to the younger.  

I have a different type of approach for you to consider for your younger son.  Do you have a dog?  If you don't you can see about borrowing a neighbor's dog - preferrably a puppy.  I want you to look up on-line about writing a social story.  What I want you to do is to paralell telling a puppy no, and telling him no.  Teach him that that the puppy needs to listen because he is little. Show him that he is little & you are big. (Language lesson - little & big). Teach him that if the puppy bites when someone tells him no then people get hurt and there's a mess and no one will want to be around the puppy. No one wants to be around him when he kicks and yells.

Tell him that sometimes we have to say no - but there are other times that we will say yes.  You can even make a chart of times you say yes and no so he can see that he probably gets more yeses than nos. (Yeses are usually with a yellow smiley face & no with a red sad face (no for stop). Having him help complete the chart may simply prevent the meltdown - go put a line on the chart (something to do - increased structure).

About the puppy you can teach him to tell the puppy no when he bites shoes or nibbles, (but not to say it too harshly).  (Kids with emotional issues can carry things too far.)

Also, you may want to give him permission to hit his pillow. You can hit your pillow, but you can't hit your brother. Also I suggest teaching him to say, I'm mad. A lot of times kids don't express their anger verbally  so it comes out physically.  

I personally feel there should be a zero tolerance policy for hitting or hurting a sibling.  Imediate removal from the situation.  As a last resort, If you need to look into some therapeutic holds - you can call the local mental health office to see about when and where a workshop is scheduled and for how much.  It is better to keep your son, yourself & your other kids safe if agression is on-going.  Also, if agression is a problem - medication is also an option.

Thanks for your questions.  I hope I have helped.

Christine