Expert: Sharon Crandall - 10/5/2006

Question
Hi,
I hope you can give me some answers on my daughter's behavior before I pull all my hair out!!!  My daughter has been a "difficult" child since about the age of two.  She began having temper tantrums that started out like typical ones, but they soon became more explosive.  I would put her in the bathroom or in her room until she calmed down, but the whole time she was shut up in there, she would kick the door and scream.  Then she would all of a sudden quit, say she was done, and would come out a different child.  She had a meltdown one day in Target because I wouldn't get a shirt for her.  I took her to the bathroom to try to talk to her to calm her down, but she just became more out of control.  I ended up leaving, having to carry her to the truck kicking and screaming with everyone staring at me like I was a bad parent.  She was four years old at the time.  Every morning before preschool was a struggle.  She would have a crying meltdown almost every day.  I thought she was getting better this year (kindergarten), but, all of a sudden, the past few weeks, the meltdowns have returned.  She has them sometimes in the afternoons also.  She can be the sweetest, most loving child at times, but can change in a second and be rude and disrespectful, or get mad at the silliest things.  She also will have meltdowns if her clothes feel "funky" (her words).  She will start screaming or crying because her socks feel funny or her panties feel funny, etc., etc.  She also has trouble academic wise.  She can not learn her letters or numbers despite lots of help from her preschool teacher last year & lots of work at home.  She is being tested at school right now for this issue.  She is a very artistic child who can sit for hours and color or draw and loves to sing.  She has no behavior problems at school and is very social (although I have heard her be very rude to her friends before).  One other thing she has started this year is getting fixated on something and not being able to stop.  It's gone from picking her toenails and the skin around them, picking her fingernails until they're in the quick (sp.?), picking scabs on sores, and picking her nose until it bleeds.  She tells me EVERY time she does it (which is constant throughout the day when she's home).  When I tell her to just stop doing it, she says she can't.  She is a middle child, so I thought at first it was an attention thing, but she gets lots of attention (she's our only girl), and now I'm beginning to think everything is related somehow.  I love my daughter, but sometimes I don't like to be around her and that makes me feel guilty.  I'm sorry I've taken up so much of your time, but I need to start finding some answers.  Thank you so much & God bless!!  

Answer
Dear Misha,

I want to help you but I need more time to think about this and give you recommendations.  First of all, I am a firm believer that there is always a way to make things better.  The first thing I would if I were working with you is to put her on a product called beCalm'd which feeds the brain and has helped people with nervous problems like she is doing, plus could help her learn.

The second thing to realize is that talking to her is a useless waste of time, such as taking her into the bathroom and trying to talk her out of her tantrum.  Children do not understand having a "talking to".  They only understand swift and consistant consequences.  

Thirdly, don't feel guilty about your feelings of not wanting to be around her, you obviously care or you wouldn't be writing to me so let go of the guilt--right now she is a pretty nasty child!

Fourthly, you must believe that she can control this behavior and she can--right now there is too much reward for her behavior.  Do not despair.  

Now, I must ask you a question.  Is her hair very fine? Was she a fussy baby and very uncomfortable when her diaper wet or she was too hot or too cold?  Does she look more delicate or more tomboy/sturdy look?  I need to know if she is thin-skinned (literally) or thicker-skinned.  

OK.  This is a little start.  Also, I am assuming she is 5 years old, correct?  Please also know that she might have traits that are her gifts and will manifest as great talents when she grows and develops that give her challenges in a formal and regimented school setting.  I will need to know more about her before I know that.

Let's see what I can do here and if it is not enough you might consider some private consulting with me for a few sessions but let's start with this.

I await your answers so I can help you more. Hang in there!

Sharon Crandall
Personality Consultant