Expert: Christine D. DeLoatch, MA CCC-SLP - 12/9/2007

Question
I desperately need advice.  My son is 19 yo and a father of a beautiful 3 1/2 month old little girl and new husband.  I have not had custody of him since he was very little and he lived even in another state so we have not had a lot of dealings w/ eachother (FYI I am his MOM).  When we are together for the shortest amount of time, we FIGHT like there is no tomorrow.  If I TRY to give him advice about ANYTHING, he tells me to shut the **** up and that he is a man and will take care of his family and I don't know what I'm talking about.  He does not take medication, has no insurance so he can.  Anyway, he called me a week ago asking if the 3 of them can come live with me.  Neither one of the two have even a drivers license or a car!!!  I am not married.  I am also mom to 14 yr old son who has always lived w/ me.  I do not make a great deal of money and have never learned myself how to manage it so I have $0 savings, I live paycheck to paycheck.  I told him I can't afford it.  Plus I have this job that is VERY VERY STRICT w/ time off and I cannot be taking off of work to run him & his wife here & there.  I just can't.  But lastnight I was just crying all night thinking about the fact that my mother has always, to this day, helped me out.  I lived w/ her for over 10 or 12 years after my divorce!  And she pays for MOST things for my 14 yo son and I just got a $300 loan from them so I can catch up on my bills.  I have no credit cards so can't rely on that (thank God really).  My  poor son.  His father has NOTHING, just lays in bed 24/7 w/ Parkinson's.  He was not worth nothin' tho b4 he got that.  His family are all hicks w/ no moral values so they will teach him NOTHING.  I want to bring them here.  I want to teach them all the lessons I've never been taught.  They say teaching is the best way to learn.  But how can I possibly do it?  I took advice not to do it from my best friend from middle/high school but honestly, I don't respect her as a mother, so why in the world did I do that???  I seriously don't know how I could do it.  My parents/family have always hated my son and would offer NOTHING, $ or emotional or otherwise.  I can't even talk to my mother about this.  But back to that, I would be NOTHING w/out her help.  And yet I turned my son away.  I don't know what to do.  I have no $ in the bank, no credit earned to get them a car.  I thought that if they work down there for a few months and get BOTH their licenses and at least 1 car if not 2, I could do it, if he PROMISED to listen to me and allow me to REALLY help him.  Then during these months, I could find all the help I could on housing, food stamps, medicaid, medicine $ for him, parenting help, anything & everything I could do.  Is this a good thing to do?  I don't know.  I come up w/ these great ideas when we're not around eachother, but again, we butt heads so bad when we're together.  I hope to find some help soon.  What do you think? I really need all the help I can possibly get.  My son is a BIG GUY and eats a LOT. I wonder if he does live w/ me, will I make too much for food stamps, etc for them and the baby?  Plus my 14 yr old son always seems to get very depressed when his siblings are around, he's not used to having them around.  I just do not know where to turn.  I don't know that he will listen to ANYTHING I say to try to teach him life skills.  Thanks!    Kris

Answer
Dear Kris,

Thanks for asking me your question.  I only have one thing to reply "When in doubt, leave it out."  

I understand that you feel obligated to help your son.  You may even feel guilty that you could not raise him and don't have the means to help him now.  I want you to consider though that if you allow him to move in with you, you will jeopardize the assistance you are receiving from your mother, you will jeopardize your 14-year-old son's emotional state and you will do more financial harm to your situation.  I believe that that would ultimately cause your more stress, and guilt and harm not cause it to go away.  

My suggestion would be to tell your son no and why.  He may not believe you.  He may be hurt.  It is not your responsibility to manage his feelings.  It is also not your responsibility to raise him.  He needs to learn to parent himself.   If he asks for advice you can always ask him if he really wants it.  I would not make suggestions unless he asks - I think you'll get your feelings hurt like you have been.  You can ask questions.  You can say, "Would you like suggestions, or are you just thinking out loud?"  That way he feels in charge and doesn't feel like you are bossing him, hopefully.  

I think you had many suggestions that were good.  Just because they don't live with you doesn't mean that they cannot do those same things - look into housing with section 8, food stamps, medicaid programs.  If the issue is that he is too proud to do these things then all your wanting to help won't do any good.  

He has to be humble enough to ask for and go and get the help.  You are wonderful for your willingness.  Sometimes though we have to be careful that our wanting to not have guilt doesn't really hurt the other person.  

You may feel stressed about having to rely on your mother.  If your son learns skills early by getting help from professionals, he may learn to manage his own funds and not end up with the same stress of living paycheck to pay check.

You didn't mention if ADD was involved in this situation, nor if alcohol was part of the history.  You also didn't mention the city your son lives in.  I would suggest having him call a missionary church and asking for their guidance through this process.  

Many blessings to you. I hoped that helped some.

Christine