Expert: Norm Bishop - 12/9/2007

Question
I desperately need advice.  My son is 19 yo and a father of a beautiful 3 1/2 month old little girl and new husband.  I have not had custody of him since he was very little and he lived even in another state so we have not had a lot of dealings w/ eachother (FYI I am his MOM).  When we are together for the shortest amount of time, we FIGHT like there is no tomorrow.  If I TRY to give him advice about ANYTHING, he tells me to shut the **** up and that he is a man and will take care of his family and I don't know what I'm talking about.  He does not take medication, has no insurance so he can.  Anyway, he called me a week ago asking if the 3 of them can come live with me.  Neither one of the two have even a drivers license or a car!!!  I am not married.  I am also mom to 14 yr old son who has always lived w/ me.  I do not make a great deal of money and have never learned myself how to manage it so I have $0 savings, I live paycheck to paycheck.  I told him I can't afford it.  Plus I have this job that is VERY VERY STRICT w/ time off and I cannot be taking off of work to run him & his wife here & there.  I just can't.  But lastnight I was just crying all night thinking about the fact that my mother has always, to this day, helped me out.  I lived w/ her for over 10 or 12 years after my divorce!  And she pays for MOST things for my 14 yo son and I just got a $300 loan from them so I can catch up on my bills.  I have no credit cards so can't rely on that (thank God really).  My  poor son.  His father has NOTHING, just lays in bed 24/7 w/ Parkinson's.  He was not worth nothin' tho b4 he got that.  His family are all hicks w/ no moral values so they will teach him NOTHING.  I want to bring them here.  I want to teach them all the lessons I've never been taught.  They say teaching is the best way to learn.  But how can I possibly do it?  I took advice not to do it from my best friend from middle/high school but honestly, I don't respect her as a mother, so why in the world did I do that???  I seriously don't know how I could do it.  My parents/family have always hated my son and would offer NOTHING, $ or emotional or otherwise.  I can't even talk to my mother about this.  But back to that, I would be NOTHING w/out her help.  And yet I turned my son away.  I don't know what to do.  I have no $ in the bank, no credit earned to get them a car.  I thought that if they work down there for a few months and get BOTH their licenses and at least 1 car if not 2, I could do it, if he PROMISED to listen to me and allow me to REALLY help him.  Then during these months, I could find all the help I could on housing, food stamps, medicaid, medicine $ for him, parenting help, anything & everything I could do.  Is this a good thing to do?  I don't know.  I come up w/ these great ideas when we're not around eachother, but again, we butt heads so bad when we're together.  I hope to find some help soon.  What do you think? I really need all the help I can possibly get.  My son is a BIG GUY and eats a LOT. I wonder if he does live w/ me, will I make too much for food stamps, etc for them and the baby?  Plus my 14 yr old son always seems to get very depressed when his siblings are around, he's not used to having them around.  I just do not know where to turn.  I don't know that he will listen to ANYTHING I say to try to teach him life skills.  Thanks!    Kris

Answer
My take is that you have a large problem here.  On one hand you want to be a helpful mother, on the other hand you feel that it won't work.  When I am facing problems like this I try to make a list of the positives and the negatives.  The negatives are that you and your son don't get along well, if you were to live together, that would have to change.  Second is the problem on having enough money.  Third is the reaction of your other son when he is around.  Three strikes.  On the positive side, you would have an opportunity to finally make your son realize that you are willing to risk nearly everything for him.  It helps him survive, and gives your grandson more security.

I have four children, so I know a bit of what you are going through.  Because of my experiences, I would recommend that if you call your son and open the door to your home that there need to be some conditions.  First, I would charge him minimal rent, which includes food.  I would expect him to be able to find a job and contribute the the general household income, even if the job is a minimum wage job.  I would also expect him to find a way to transport himself to and from work and other activities.  Of course, you could help when it fits into where you are already going.  

The other conditions would have to be general household considerations.  For example, he would not be allowed to openly argue with you, or use swear words.  He would have to understand that you are head of the household and all negotiations for change are done so in a civil tone.  This will be the hardest adjustment for him...but, it won't work unless this can happen.  

You know the situation better than I, so there may be other conditions you would also have to establish.  

I would not just open my door, given what you have described, and allow him to live for free, abuse you verbally and depress your other son.  

I wish you the best in this situation, where you are in the middle.  I will add you to my prayer list.