Expert: Sharon Crandall - 9/29/2006

Question
Hello Sharon i did not rec your responce, can you please send it to me again. Thank you
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Followup To

Question -
Hellow Sharon my questionn is about my 11 year old boy. First of he is an only child so far. He was dignosed with Add when he was about 8 years old, he is a very smart young boy but he has always had trouble in school, he is still trying his best at school, but at home my wife and i are having trouble with his attitude and his behavior. When we tell him no he starts crying and wining and keeps asking the same question until he gets his way. My wife thinks that although he is 11 years old his mine is at probably at 8 years old, i really dont want to believe that but when he acts like that i tend to belive her. Can you please help us, is my wife correct in thinking that his add is proventing him from behaving like a young adult, how can we get him to understand things like he has to wear his glasses at school, and also to control his behavior at home. Thank you for your time i will be waiting for your responce.

Answer -
Dear Nicandro,
I think I already answered this question.  Please let me know if you did not receive it.

Sharon Crandall

Answer
Dear Nincando,

I do not believe that most children really diagnosed as ADD really have such a thing.  I have found that it is personality traits that really are a chld's gifts when understood and directed to the positive.

Some children's brains acually work better when they are moving around and since that is not possible in the present school system, these children are at such a disadvantage.  One thing you can do is to record on a tape things he needs to memorize and have him listen to the tapes with headphones while he is walking around or jumping on a mini-trampoline, if you have one or can get one.

As to his behavior, these kids are very intelligent and very manipulative.  The first thing to realize is that it is natural and to be expected that a child will do everything he can to get out of doing chores.  The important thing is to get out of the power struggle.  The tears and whining are his way of pushing for what he wants to do.

This is what you do.  Get a little box and label it the job box.  Each day put a few chores in it that he must do before he can watch TV or play games, or do whatever he likes to do.  I would also limit playing video games to only several hours per week as it makes the brain out of balance.  It only uses one part of the brain over and over and makes it more difficult for learning.

Now, each time he completes all his chores he gets a star or bright colored push pin on a cork board, which you can get at Walmart or Kmart.  Tell him that when he gets 5 push pins he gets to do something special.  YOu name something that he really likes to do--have a friend over and go to a movie, or get pizza, or whatever you think would be a good incentive.

Next, everytime  he whines or argues with you over his chores you warn him that if doesn't be quiet right then about it he will get a black push pin.  When he gets 3 or more black pins during the week all weekend privileges are taken from him.  He stays in, no friends, no video games, no TV or anything else fun he likes to do.  And also, any reward he has earned from doing his chores will be taken away.  Then do not listen to him whine or argue with you and do not give in.  Give him one warning and then up goes a black push pin.

Stop arguing with him!  It doesn't work.  Tell him the rules.  Let him know that he is in control.  If he does his chores then he will be rewarded and if he argues and whines, and doesn't do his chores then he gets no privileges.  Period.  Both of you must stick to this no matter what it takes.  At first it may take some time to watch him on the weekends and will be difficult but pretty soon, if you don't back down and feel sorry when he manipulates you then he will soon look forward to earning his points.

Now, make sure you are loving, tell him "good job" when he does a good job.  Be sure and outline each thing he is supposed to do with each chore so there are no misunderstandings.

Tell him you love him and care about him.  Spend some time where you sit down with him and listen to him and just be there in a pleasant setting.  Too many parents ignore their children until they do something wrong and then jump all over them.

Plan meal times together and talk about pleasant things or funny things that happened that day.  Always make that time a pleasant time and never bring up the punishments, or criticize during those pleasant times.  Create some good memories for your child.

This is just the beginning, really, but it is all I can do for right now.  Please respond if you have more questions.  I also have a parenting course available if you are interested.  You can contact me at personalityconsultant1@yahoo.com.  That is the number one after the words personalityconsultant.  

Let me know if I can help you more.

Sharon Crandall
Personality Consultant