Expert: Sharon Crandall - 2/4/2006

Question
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Followup To
Question -
I do understand what you are saying.  I do value him and his differences.  My fear lies in the fact that he has at least 11 more years of school and though it's not wrong to "not fit the mold", it will make for difficulties...don't you think?  For ex., he used to love to learn and now he doesn't.  I am sure it's because everyone has been "on" him.  I want him to be different from me and to be his own special person.  I just don't want him to be unhappy all through school because his personality doesn't conform to the mold of school.  I believe that if he could get to the point that he understands that he needs to be organized and pay attention, school would be easier for him.  Do you know what I mean?  I want him to learn that organization/neatness of school work and paying attention to the teacher is what will make everyone get off his back and make school less stressful/easier for him.  If this mold is right or not, it is reality.  I will make sure he has plenty of outlets outside of school and let him be whom ever he wishes, in every way.  I just want him to know that, right or not, this is the way school is and he needs to, at least, pay attention and do a good job.  He will find other things in his life time that he needs to do that are not always what fits his personality.  

Answer
Dear Tammy,

As much as we would like to do so, we can't change another person from the outside in.  Oh, you might make his life miserable enough to make him conform but that will not change his desire to do well in school.

If you look at the lives of every great person in history who have contributed greatly to our world, you will find they did not fit in very well.  Einstein did terrible in school and so the reality was that he wasn't supposed to fit in or we wouldn't have benefited from his contribution to science.

What I am saying is that if you start looking for and celebrating his uniqueness then you will be much more likely to find what motivates him internally.  Then he will want to do better for a higher purpose than to fit in to the school curriculum.

Schools are designed to take away creativity and individual excellence.  Once you understand that then you cna sympathize with him and understand him and then perhaps through loving conversation you can inspire him to take charge of his life and do better in order to be able to truly express what he will love to do in life.  

Most of my children did not conform very well to the way schools are today, thank goodness.  I worry much more about students who conform without question and without trying to spread their own wings than I do students who are acting out their need to be an individual.

Right now your son cannot help but feel that you do not approve of him as an individual.  Yes, I know you praise him, but you are praising him for his conforming not for who he really is.  We should celebrate our loved ones for who they are, period, and not for what they do or do not do.

Once you take the pressure off and start talking to him about his dreams and desires and he feels safe to share them with you, then you will find the key to what he is supposed to do in life which will be the key that helps him be self-desciplined, rather than outward threats of punishment or withdrawal of approval.

What if you sat down with him and tell him that he is a smart and talented young man and that you hate trying to get him to do better and be neater in school.  Then tell him that he is perfectly capable of doing better if he really wants to but that you realize that you really can't force him to want to.  Tell him that sure, you can make his life miserable if he doesn't but you really don't want to do that.  Then ask him the very important question--What would it take for you to really want to do better and be neater in doing your work?  

If he says that he doesn't know. Tell him that of course he knows and that you will let him think about it for a day or two.  Then sit down and tell him that it is time for him to tell you what would it take or what would inspire him enough to pay more attention and be neater.

Often, the children have the keys to their behavior if we will but listen--really--really listen.  Not just with our heads and not with disapproval or just waiting for them to make a wrong move but with an attitude of "I believe in you.  I know you really want to fully express your intelligence in some way."  Listen with your heart and find out what is going on so that you can support whatever it is that needs supporting so that he then can be free to make better choices.

Look at your own intention honestly and openly.  Do you want him to thrive as an individual and be happy in his personal expression or do you want him to perform to make you and your family look good and fit the mold that you feel is best for him?  If you can't make the transisiton and really love, and I mean really love who your little boy really is then he will rebel in various ways. Unfortunately, this will translate later on into drugs and alcohol as ways of expressing his independence.

I do hope this helps.  Let me know how things are going.

Sharon Crandall
Personality Consultant
Committed to the Freedom to be Authentic