Expert: Sharon Crandall - 11/30/2007

Question
Hi! I have to baby sit my neice and nephews every morning for an hour and take them to school, and then get them after school for another 2 hours. I have been close to them all their lives, but they are eating me alive. Bubba is 7, Bree is 8, and Zack is 11. They all have ADHD and are dealing with their parents horrible divorce.  My sister feels guilty, I think, and doesn't decipline them much. They are very loud, they fight with each other constantly, with hitting and kicking and crying, and they are totally disrespectful to any adults, often calling me stupid, telling me they hate me, and even shoving or hitting me. I have tried a hundred different things, from grounding, to spanking, to trying to outwit them. I have a baby I also have to watch after, and they sometimes put her in danger. I am angry with them for making me so angry. It's bedtime now, and I am full of dread with the morning. I am going to get their adderall in them the second they show up, but I need a thousand ideas to get me through these babysitting sessions. They are making me very upset and I can't wait for their mom to come. Help! I need something that will work right away. Thank you! -losing it, Jessica

Answer
Dear Jessica,

This is a challenge.  I probably can't help too much just by a letter or two, but I will try to do a little for you.  First of all I would talk to the mom and tell her that if she wants you to babysit she is going to have to stop spoiling the children from guilt and that she must take a parenting class, along with you so that you can get these kids under control.

I found a couple of books that sound interesting but I have not read them.  10 Days to a less defiant child by Jeffrey Bernstein and Raising respectful children in a disrespectful world by Jill Rigby.  There may be other books that are better.

Dr. Laura Schlesinger has a sponsor that has a program that promises you to be able to parent children like this and have them obeying and doing what they are supposed to be doing but I couldn't find it on her website.  You might email her and ask her about the sponsor in L.A. that has a program for difficult children and see if you can find out more.

Also, I would have soft music on when they come home.  I would also get books and videos that teach children positive things.  

Also, I would get someone to  help you watch the kids one afternoon and take each child alone into a room and have a talk with them.

Many times children who are going through difficult times need someone to really listen to them.  Boys do better if you are tossing a lightweight ball that won't hurt anything back and forth or doing something physical while you talk to them.

Ask them what some questions and then listen without preaching or bawling them out no matter what they say.  Just keep asking them questions:  What do you want in life?  What kind of a life do you want?  If you could live anywhere you wanted to live where would that be?  If you could change something in your life what would it be?  If you could go anywhere in the world where would that be?  If you could buy anything you wanted just one time what would you buy?  If you could be anything you wanted to be what would that be?  What are some things you hate?  

No matter what they say, just keep asking if that is what they really want, or just say, That is interesting, then ask them another question.  Then really listen with your heart to see what is going on in their little heads.  The first time you do this you might not get very far, but do it once in awhile to see what you can get out of them.

Then thank them and that you are glad to know them a little bit better.  Tell them that you care about them even though it might not seem like it all the time.  

Ask them if they had the perfect babysitter what would she be like?  Anything that comes to mind that could give you insight into their lives.  You could even play a game with them and take turns answering the questions.

The point is to be really interested in them as individual people.  At some point, if they start to trust you a little bit you could ask them to help you so that you all can do some fun things together, rather than just everyone jumping, running, etc.  

It is important not to be critical, or make suggestions that would make you seem critical when you talk to them.  You are developing trust and a safe place to talk to someone.

Would they play board games with you?  Playing games can be a good way to settle them down.  Again, make it fun and not be critical.  

People need to be needed more than they need love.  Sometimes you can get one aside and ask for help with all the others and then do something special alone with that child that the others don't' get to do, if he really helps you.  

When they ask for something, look right at them.  Look right at them when you talk to them.  Lean down and get on their level.  Touch their arm lightly and gently when you answer them--whether it is yes or no.  If you say no, say it as gently as possible.

Well, this isn't very much but I do hope it helps a bit and I would read everything I could get my hands on.

OH, one thing more.  Do not make statements like--be good now, or why aren't you good today?  General statements don't mean anything.  Tell them specifically what you want them to do. Instead of you are driving me crazy with all this racket say, "Stop making noises with that ball right now.!  Be  very specific.  Give them a choice whenever possible.  Another example:  Instead of saying stop being so mean to your brother--You are hurting him, stop hitting your brother with that piece of wood.

These kids feel very powerless.  Ask them if they would prefer you take the ball from them or take it outside to play with.

Do you want peas or carrots for your vegetable tonight?  Every time you let them choose something--always choose between two good things, not whether they get to do it or not unless it is something that doesn't matter.

Well dear, I do wish you the best.  Let me know how it turns out.

Sharon Crandall
Personality Science Consultant