Expert: Sharon Crandall - 7/14/2007

Question
I am 21 with pretty severe ADD.  I take adderall and it helps a lot, but my mother who is a control freak - totally the opposite of me, desperately tries to micromanage my life and it is preventing me from getting anything done (as weird as that may sound).  I keep trying to tell her that I like to be able to do things such as laundry, cleaning, dishes, etc. ON MY OWN with out her having to be on my back about it all the time.  She was gone for an entire week for work and that week I did all my laundry and all my chores and everything I needed to get done all by myself and it made me feel really good.  Now that she is back she is constantly trying to tell me what to do and when to do it.  I want to be able to WANT to do those things on my own because I know I can.  To even further the problem, I get the feeling she thinks she knows what it is like to have ADD because she is always trying to give me advice.  She is super organized almost OCD so I know she has no idea.  But I am literally drowning here and her constant nagging makes me feel like i can't and will never be able to do anything on my own.  What do I do??  She doesn't seem to listen to what I tell her about how when she does this to me it makes me feel really bad.  On top of that she is very negative where I am very laid back and positive.  I'm on my way to managing my add on my own, but I need help with her...I only have one more month until I go back to college on the other side of the country but, at this rate it is going to be a long month. please help!

Answer
Dear Meredith,

I wish I could talk to your mother.  She needs to back off.  It makes me think that I wonder if you really have ADD at all, and just have traits that give you gifts in other directions.  Not all people excel in being able to sit down and study for long periods of time and then do well on tests. That is only one kind of intelligence or genius.

I recently read where there are nine areas of genius and that every person has genius in one or more areas.

I have found this to be true in my personality assessments. You may have seemed to be ADD because your mother is so controlling, organized, etc. and she probably really worked on you a lot to try to change your God-given nature because she didn't understand it and thought you could control yourself better than you could.

I say this, not to get you upset with your mother.  People live the only way they know how to live until they realize differently.

You are smart to recognize that your mother has a problem and that you really can handle life OK.  I wish I could work with you in my coaching program so that I could help you understand how your traits are your gifts.

So, try this.  Tell your mom that you appreciate her and what she has done for you and that she has done such a good job that while she was gone you did everything just fine.  Tell her that what you really need from her is to have faith in you and let you be independent in getting your work done so that you can grow into being an adult.  Then, thank her again for being such a good mom but that you feel like you are going to wither away and die if you don't have some freedom to try and fail on your own.

You can see if that works.  If it doesn't then endure the long month and believe in yourself.  She has made you feel like you need her because that is how she perceived everything.  Have faith in yourself and move forward and get independent financially as soon as possible!!!

Here is a couple of examples of traits that are gifts.  Low Concentration.  The reason a person has difficulty in concentrating is that they have a gift of being able to change focus quickly. This is needed in many occupations such as overseeing and managing a sewing room with 50 sewing machines going all at once.  This allows the manager to quickly spot someone sleeping on the job, a machine not working properly, someone not being able to do it right, etc.

Another gift trait is that some people have several traits to make them very physical, rather than mental.  This means that they can only learn quietly for short periods of time, and in fact learn better when they are moving around physically--their brain actually works better. These people have difficulty in sitting still at all, sometimes.  These people will do well in physical jobs or jobs where they are moving around a lot--telephone pole climbers and repairmen, construction, professional athletes, forestry, bridge builders, firemen, policemen, Field engineers, Recreation therapists, or business owners where they are physically active.

Those are just two areas that shows gifts where society says that they have a disorder and need medication so they can sit still.  What we need is not so much medication and more variety in how we teach people.

I highly recommend that in college you record your lectures and then play them back to you as you are walking around or exercising or doing a little dance with rhythm of some kind.

Now, I want you to realize the harm your mother does and still love her and realize that she is doing what she thinks is best but it is not the best thing for you.  I know that sometimes when people get therapy they begin to hate their parents but that is not the answer.  The answer is for you to start standing up to her to some degree.  This is difficult if she is providing financially for you but you can start by telling her thank you for your opinion but that you are doing just fine in getting things done, (whatever she is nagging you about). See how she reacts.  I don't know if she will fall apart completely or just back off if you do it sweetly and lovingly.

This is why I would like to work with you but I don't know if that is possible.

I can be contacted at personalityconsultant1@yahoo.com.  This is where my clients email me and I will be happy to hear how you are doing and if any of this helps.  Otherwise, wait out the month and figure out how to go work somewhere far away for the summer at a resort, or somewhere like Yellowstone Park--if at all possible.

Please let me know what you think.

Sharon Crandall
Life is 4 Living Coach/Consultant