Expert: Sharon Crandall - 6/8/2006

Question
Dear Dr. Billy Levin,
   I was diagnosed with ADD when i was little and i have never had any real behavior problems in my whole life. About a year ago, i moved to new jersey to get to know my girlfriend better, but she has a little brother and her parents say he has ADD.

  Her brother has many, many problems behaving and he always seems very angry at everyone and everything. He doesnt follow rules they set in there house and he is prone to becomeing very violent toward people. His parents have had him on the fien gold diet but it doesnt really seem to be working and everytime he starts being violent his parents say hes off the diet.

Do you think hes violent because of this diet, because he has ADD.. or becuase hes just a violent person?

Answer
Dear Paul,
I am not Dr. Billy Levin so I am not sure why I received this question.  I am an expert in personality traits and would need to know more about the situation before I could give an opinion, other than to share some insight into this kind of thing.

Often, when a child is angry there has been abuse or serious neglect of some kind from someone. We all react to our situations according to our traits and he probably has traits that need expressing in a positive way.

How old is he?  The best way to help a child, if he is old enough, is to sit down and start playing with him such as throwing a ball back and forth.  Then start asking him what his dreams are and what is important to him. ask him what he wants in life.  Then ask him if what he is doing is working for him to bring happiness to him.  Then ask him if there are some other things he could do to feel important and more powerful.  Be sure and keep what he tells you in confidence unless he opens up to abuse or something that should be reported.  

Make friends with him and believe in him.  Help him find a hobby or something he can learn to do well.  Sometimes building things and tearing them down helps to get out the anger.  Make it a game with him.  

In my opinion, there is something inside a child that he feels is being violated.  Some core belief or value that is important to him.  I think he is violent because his parents do not know how to handle him or truly communicate with him.  He needs positive attention.  He might have the need to be accepted and praised a lot or he might have traits that make it difficult to express verbally and acts out the best way he knows how.

He needs a friend who will talk to him, play with him and encourage him to try new ways of handling his frustrations.  He needs to feel safe and he needs boundaries but with that he needs as many successful experiences as possible, even if it is little things he does that take effort.  

Well, I can't give you a whole seminar in one letter but since you have expressed interest perhaps you could be a friend to him.  If you do, then would break up with your girlfriend I would hope you maintain that friendship because he does not need someone to abandon him.  

If he is too little to really talk to then the best thing to do when he misbehaves is to take him by the hand and lead him away from the situation and help him change his focus.  

I feel very helpless in trying to help you in this situation as I need more information and more about how his parents handle him.  Children need someone to really take an interest in them and sit down and play with them and pay attention when they are being "good".  

Then, they need swift consequences to violent behavior--just quickly remove him and put him on the time out chair, and tell him that his behavior is not acceptable.  Then, when he is over the anger help him come up with ideas on how he could handle it differently.  This has to be repeated over and over until he is old enough to really use his frontal lobes better and that takes time.

It takes time to build a good relationship with children. Parents too often ignore their children until they do something wrong and that doesn't work.

Well, I don't feel like I really have helped much because I feel so limited.  I am working on a book that will help parents but it is not finished yet.  

Maybe you can help a little bit by being really interested in him and notice some good things about him, or something he is good at that you can praise him for.  

Yes, children do have violent traits, sometimes, but those traits can be diverted into positive expression of talents and abilities by a parent who observes carefully and looks at the child's personality and really gets to know him in a caring way.

Hope this helps a little.

Sharon Crandall
Personality Consultant
Committed to the freedom to be authentic