Expert: Erica - 1/3/2008

Question
I've been in two long term relationships which I've learned a lot from.  My first long term relationship was 21 months and I became unsatisfied after I realized how much I was giving and how little I was receiving.  With my second long term relationship I found myself materialistically happy with him, he spoiled me so much. But as far as emotionally he was very distant causing me to feel deprived and unhappy.

I'd love to meet someone just as caring and giving and loyal as I am... Someone with confidence but who is down to Earth. Someone who is driven and has their priorities straight... Someone who will give me what I deserve and if nothing else show me appreciation. I want an intelligent, ambitious person who I can hold a conversation with. I like a good sense of humor and someone who enjoys good hygiene is always plus a too. I want someone to care for and I want someone who I can grow with.  But, realistically I feel as if my standards are too high and in another aspect I feel like It'd be a mistake if I settled.  I've been having my share of fun for awhile now and I want to look back into serious dating. Do you think my standards are too high.. and how do I know what guy will be able to give me what I deserve?

Answer
Dear Brandi,

Happy New Year!  Your standards are definitely not too high.  You just haven't met the right one.  Dr. Phil states in his book that we should never settle for less than 80% of what we want (and I think he put it in there for those of us who truly do have too high of standards.)  I know that as we spend more time alone we often question whether or not our standards are too high because we aren't meeting "the one."  More often than not, I watch people get involved in relationships and settle because they just figure there is nothing better out there.  It appears that you know what you want and have a lot to offer someone so, why should you settle?  What you are looking for is what most "healthy" woman want.  Settling is always a mistake because all we are doing is wasting time.  One of my friends just met the man of all of our dreams.  She went through six years of being single and dating every jerk in this area.  Just a few months before she met her current boyfriend whe told us that she had accepted the fact that she was going to be alone and just have flings here and there.  What do you know a couple of months later she has an amazing boyfriend who treats her like gold and spoils her.  They are so happy and have everything that we all want.  She told me on New Year's Eve that if she had to go out with all of those idiots to have met him - it was worth it.  So, in your case maybe it just isn't the right time yet.  Keep taking care of yourself - enjoy the things that you want to do in life - and become the person that you always wanted to be (if you aren't already).  It will happen.... it does all of the time.  But, never settle and judging by your email... I don't think you are the type of woman who could..... Take Care and Good Luck....