Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 1/22/2008

Question
I'm 35, have a full time (good)job, own my own home. I'm told I'm attractive and I'm really not shy. But, I have a hard time getting men who are single to have anything to do with me. I usually have married/unavaible men hitting on me. (and telling me if they weren't married they would date me. All I've ever wanted was a boyfriend and never seem to be able to find one. I'm really not sure what the heck is wrong, I'm really trying to figure this out, w/o much luck. Another thing, for a long time I never went out(for like 11 years I was kinda a hermit)I'm ready to get out there again and try to find someone who wants me.

Answer
Dear Tara,

I'm glad you've decided to get back into the dating scene.  It is confusing to start in again and I recommend coaching, to save you time and help you learn the ropes.  You don't want to go into this naive.  We can look at some of the reasons why you are attracting the wrong kind of guy for what you want.

Please email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc to talk about coaching.  

One tip I can give you here is that it may look easy, but it isn't.  You do have to do things that maximize your changes of meeting the kind of guys you like.  Usually it happens in the daily course of events, doing what you like to do, going where you usually go, but you can amp this up a bit.  

I have these examples right now to encourage you.  I have worked with clients who found their marriage partner:  met on a plane when she was going to New York City to have a weekend with friends; taking SCUBA lessons; on a cruise; through their job; a man from college called out of the blue; through church; introduced by the man's sister; at a small gathering where each single woman invited the single eligible men they knew; IN THE GROCERY STORE.  

It will make you feel good to make a plan and have a strategy which I can help you with.  Just taking action seems to put things into motion.

There are also ways you can amp up your behavior toward dating the right kind of guy.  It's best to let the man do the asking and approach - i.e., not being aggressive, and so you have to learn how to flirt subtly.  You also need to dress for success - for what you WANT.  This is not the professional look (intimidating) but also not a trashy look (gives off the wrongs signals).  

Eliminating married men immediately is a sign to the Universe that that's not what you want.  While flattering, it's just a waste of your time (as you know). Do not give them a minute of your time.  If you get one who says he is "emotionally unavailable" - or shows that he is, say "Get back to me when this stage of your life is over."  This indicates that you aren't interested in this, aren't going to put up with it, and that you are serious.

It isn't as much the outer things as your attitude, and continuing to have confidence in yourself.  

Get back to me about coaching.  You need it at this stage!!  Clearly you have made committments in other areas of your life that have worked, and have gathered the tools and resources you needed.  Coaching is the same way.

All the best,
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc
sdunn@susandunn.cc