Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 1/2/2008

Question
Dear Susan,

I have this strange man whom I spent loving immensely this year  and now
with a new year I want to let him go completely but I want to understand him
to let go and
share about this experience so women watch out for men of his type.  We met
last New Years eve and he pursued me.  We started dating and he was talking
marriage and kids.  I was 24 he was 36- it made sense, yet I wondered why a
man his age, attractive, an executive of a large corp-n is still not married. He
courted me, I started staying over but wanted to wait
for sex cause consider it sacred and shared only with someone I love.

At that time I was a bit depressed because I couldn't see my family in my
country and my grandpa was sick and I wondered why I was here at all.  So I
was a bit flaky, coming always late to see him, started bartending for extra
income and had less time to see himetc.  He started to pull back and that
happened shortly after I had sex with him but I didn't
want to face it.  I allowd it so he could leave me sooner in case he was a
player before I completely fall for him.  What I didn't realize was that I was
already in love and that sex in any form with him was going to only make me
feel more bonded and he was way too skilled at making me believe I was the
girl he wanted to marry so the rise was pretty high.  

Well, the story is long but then it was about March slowly he was letting me
go and - I realized he was hiding
something from me.  Always doing something with the boys on Sat nights,
and
thats when things usually went wrong with us.  I started to suspect that he
had substance abuse on the weekends or was meeting other girls yet still
wanted to keep me around.  

So after I wasn't getting what I wanted from the relationship we decided to
stay"friends" I fell so deeply in love and in some way hoped and believed his
good intentions that was completely devastated by the "being friends."  Yet
even though
some things were shady, I was blaming myself for us not working out
because of my sort of depression.  So I started to want to fix myself, and took
time to take care of things in my life which I thank him for inspiring me for.  
About a mnth and a half later, I was
dating a guy who's been amazing at courting me and being there for
me for some time, but I was still in love with ex, so I wanted to let him go
and sent him a last text saying I've moved on but asking why did he think we
didn't work out cause I thought we could've been so good together.  He
said he's been thinking about me and wanted to meet  

When I came back to NY, we did, and it was a date, I was in love he was
getting lost in my eyes the spark was there and I kissed him.  He then said he
wanted to date me and was sorry and that he thought I wasnt serious about
us before
He brought me to meet his parents in two weeks, even though he wasn't
courting me very well during this time and flaked on me one time, after again
he was out with
friends.

His parents loved me, and I went back to his place, and was back with him.  I
thought we were back together, and since mom knew so much about me, I
assumed he did like me a lot and felt safe in us.  Then it was independence
day and we spend it
together and he talked about a baby a lot and at 24 I wasn't thinking about
children yet.  But then after that night it was my birthday the following week,
and he knew the date but we never made plans.  So  three days before my
bday i didn't say anything about it but saw him last and he texted me the
next day preparing for a big party with all his buddies and then naver called
in two days on my bday.  It was 25th. I was so devastated and in so much
grief cause
knew it was it for me and it was the end forever.  I never called or texted him
till in three weeks got enough guts to call and leave a msg saying I couldn't
believe he would do that to a human being and how I thought much more of
him as a man.  He tried to call back but I wouldn't answer.  For two months I
cried every day, drank wine just to put myself to sleep for a week I thought I
could've been pregnant and almost thought of suicide.
In two months he tried to text me to apologize.  I wouldn't respond.  But then
wanted to know what happened.  He said he got busy with work, forgot about
my bday and felt really bad.  At first I sent him a huge email saying everything
i thought about him and telling him I never want to see him again and that I
had someone else,  It wasn't competely true.  And I saw a dream about his
mom then found out she was sick felt bad and agreed to meet him so I could
understand and forgive.

We talked but it wasn't the same for me the trust has been broken forever. He
leaned in to kiss me but I gave him a cheek this time. He didn't try to pursue
me after that much but did text a few times a week.  I let him be the leader
since I know men should be doing the hunting, butrealized he wasn't as
proactive as he was when we first met.  And though willing to try to work on
revuilding the trust, he wasn't trying to be with me and I said I'd only be
friends.

Then we decided to spend Christmas together and he invited me to his
parents' for Christmas eve's dinner.  It was nice, but though asked me to
come back to his place afte,
which ofcourse I refused, he wasn't being affectionate or romantic with me in
the cab and
seemed tired and didn't want to go to midnight mass with me or try to make
much plans after that week.   

So I felt like he didn't really want me and maybe had someone else.  But if he
had someone else why wouldn't he bring her to his parents?  And I had a
thought he wanted me there for "cover up" for his parents to think he has a
nice girl (his mom also looks like me and her parents are from my country) to
marry cause 37 now

Then he didn't try to see me much or was busy, and on NYeve I asked
him if i could be with him cause my last minute plans changed which I
wouldn't have done but thought I'd try  and he said
he'd love to but made quiet plans at a restaurant with his friend Rob and
that we'll hang out soon in the New Year.  Then that he texted me that he'd
be thinking about me at
midnight - thats when we met last year.

I didnt say anything back  I figured it was a new year and I'll never answer him
again. But I'm afraid I will. And also, I've never asked him for help, but this
time I had a contract job for a few months and after it was over I was
supposed to start a new
job Dec1st but my boss turned out just wanted to be with me and I was left
w/out a job on holidays when noone is hiring.  I didn't tell
him I needed help but he kind of knew about the cituation and being a pretty
well of guy didn't even ask if i needed help.  I thought maybe I'd ask him to
help me with my rent for one month
to see id he'd be there for me but hesitated because of my pride thinking I'll
find a job fast and be
fine without him.  But also thought it'd be a good way for me to let him go if
he said no cause it would completely turn me off and show the accountability
and true care.

And if he said yes- I'd stay friends with him.

Do you think maybe he's gay?   I heard of it but don't know for sure that
some men are by- and both parties don't know.  Cause if he was with another
woman he liked more than me wouldn't he bring her home?  Yet also I think
he's just a selfish player who never wants to settle down and again once I saw
a message from him to a friend saying something about "good drugs" so that
would explain it and I would never be with a man who is on something.  Yet I
know a girl whos husband once using somethimg stopped and now they're
happy.

I am sorry for such a long letter but
a.  Do you think he's gay, or a player, and
why does he want to keep me around? And is he the case from the book "men
Who Can't Love?"
b.  Do you think it would've been a
good idea to ask him for help for a test and I could use it either way.  
c.Should I not have any contact with him but I don't beieve I won't answer
him.  Could I stayfriends if Idid ask him for help and he was there for me and
showed accountability.
d. Why do you think I attracted this kind of relationship do you think its my
low selfesteem within and how come I overlooked my "can't  stands" which is
possibly drugs and cheating in his case and din't see through his lies?  

I am not as in love with him after being hurt so much and understanding now
how selfish he was but a part
of me cares and knows theres a lot of good to him and I know my nature is
about unity and I won't never contact him.
I am now realizing that a part of trying to fix a bad relaionship is allowing
yourslef to be in a fulfilling relationship where you have complete intimacy .  
And having dated other men since then who adore me and are so into me I
understand the bliss of the difference but still have not found one I really feel
would fall in love with.  Do you think its something from childhood and my
father?   Do you think its m self esteem, I believe in power of attraction and
he was exactly what I would imagine my soulmate to look like-but what is it
within me and how do I break this pattern and also what is it with him?  

Thank you so much for your time all your helpto all of us!



God Bless and Happy New Year!

  

.

Answer
Hello Julia!

a. I don't know if he's gay. He may be. I don't know if he's a player. He may be. I don't know if he's similar to the guys expressed in that book. He may be. I also don't know how my speculating on this guy I've never met does you any good at all, but there you have it.

b. No. I don't think testing him like this would get you anywhere. If he stepped up, so what? If he didn't, so what? All any of that proves is that you can test - not that he's either right or wrong for you.

c. Yes, you should not have any further contact with him. You should move on. You don't love this guy, you're obsessed with him and that is a very different thing. No, you shouldn't stay friends with him. You wouldn't cut a dog's tail off piece by piece would you? Of course not! Then, why should you try to end this dysfunctional relationship piece by piece? Answer: you shouldn't.

d. Yes, I think it's a combination of your low self-esteem and your lack of clearly knowing what you want. You are so obsessed with boosting your self-esteem that you make these guys work far harder to get you than they normally would in order to make yourself feel wanted. Then, when they actually get you, they realize that the effort involved wasn't worth it and they move on, using you only when they're lonely.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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Remington Publications
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