Expert: Rhapsody Love - 1/7/2008

Question
hi
my name is louise kelly ,i live in ireland.
i am 5ft2" not exactly a supermodel.fat and ugly and consider by guys as unsuitable as girlfreind material no matter hoe i look i am nearly 30 years old i never had boyfreind never even had my fist kiss.the very guys i like rejected me for some taller and skinner then me,or eles take no interst in me at all what so ever.my ma blames me why me don,t like me,i am nice person and maybe small bit annoying but i can,t help that,i have very low self estereem.and shy and quiet,no confidence at all.
the girls at school said i never have a boyfreind they were right,other girls guy wil only ever see just as freind and they were right too. i am going end up a spinster,old maid ,pathetic.

they was case when i was younger i was slim.dressed up and i wore make up and i still end up rejected.
so latly i don,t bothar talking to guys any more becauas i am doing all the work.they just don,t make effort what so ever. i don,t whats wrong with me i am nice person,and generous.caring.helpful. guys are only intersted in the look and youth like 18 year and 19 years old.
not old hag like me

Answer
Louise,

STOP BEATING UP ON YOURSELF! If you say you're ugly, old, etc., then you'll act that way. You even say you're acting that way: "i don,t bothar talking to guys any more"

See yourself as attractive - make a picture in your head of that attractive young woman. Do your best to actually be what you imagine, but imagining it is half the battle. Just look around at all the fat "ugly" people in the world and see that they often have mates.

I really was that way myself, though at a younger age, and I look back at my photos and I really wasn't fat or ugly. And now, I'm the best I can be with what I have to work with and I'm loved. Love life, love yourself, and you will find that other people will love you, too.

A relationship takes 2 people. You need to be aware of your own strengths and weaknesses in the relationship and not blame everything on the man. Is there any chance that they may be wondering if there are any right women at all? (I used to volunteer in that area & got lots of messages from guys with the same problems.) Maybe you need to take a break from men and look at yourself and how you do relationships and what characteristics you're looking for in Mr. Right.

Three resources for that would be:

http://www.keirsey.com/

http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/

where you can take tests to find out about yourself and get information on personality types to learn who would make a good match for you.  Another possility is here:

http://love.ivillage.com/lnsquizzes/lnsquizlns/topics/0,,4tg3,00.html

I also like Linda Goodman's "Love Signs;":

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&lr=&ie=ISO-8859-1&as_qdr=all&q=%22Linda+Goodm...

though I am skeptical about astrology, I find this is surprisingly realistic & she discusses positive and negative qualities in a relationship & how to deal with a relationship with different types of personalities (it certainly couldn't hurt to check it out). BTW, this is a Google search link because the links I've chosen in the past have disappeared - sorry it's so long. Here's a shorter one:

http://tinyurl.com/r2o0

Once you know yourself better and know what kind of mate would be good for you and have thought about other qualities that you would want, you can better figure out where to find such a person.  Where might this person be, work, go for recreation?  Would this person attend a church or other religious organization and if so, what kind (conservative, liberal - or you might try Unitarian Universalist where people of many faiths worship together)? Also, if you're in a city or metropolitan area, there might be Meet-ups near you - find an area that interests you and sign up for a Meet-up which takes place with at least 4 other people in a public place - you can also suggest a venue closer to your location.:

http://www.meetup.com/

Would that person be looking for you on the internet?  If so, check out

http://dmoz.org/Society/Relationships/Dating/Personals/

- there are loads of places to go on the internet where you can get a profile and even search by location as well as interest.  You can get to know the person anonymously first; read

http://www.ou.edu/oupd/kidsafe/websafe.htm

and

http://www.sanfords.net/Mom_Dear/Dating_on_the_Internet.shtml

before trying this out.

I hope this helps. Good luck!

- Joyce