Expert: Erica - 1/16/2008

Question
Five months ago a new guy was employed at my workplace, and at the very first sight I liked him. At first I thought that he was available because he was always flirting with me, staring at me when I wasn't looking and people around us started noticing. But it turned out that he had a girlfriend for almost 8 years. In the meantime, many things happened
- we started hanging out together a lot, mostly on his initiative and with his friends where he presented me as a friend from work. We have a great time always when we are together, but the problem is I'm beginning to fall in love with him. And the other problem is that on several
occasions when we had a little too much to drink we passed the boundaries of friendship, once we were even intimate, but only once. I couldn't stop that and I think that neither could he. There was just too much chemistry in the air and the attraction between us is simply irresistible. We look at each other with deep long looks, we always do some sweet talks, he speaks gently to me, and I'm more and more into him as the days go by. Anyway, the girlfriend is real, although he used to tell me without being asked that they were having fights all the time.  But something else happened and it came as a surprise to me - few days ago, when he began realizing that I am falling for him and that we are becoming closer each day, he suddenly started a conversation and told me that he can't leave his girlfriend easily after 8 years, that he loves her and that he doesn't want to see me get hurt if he stays with her, that it
isn't fair neither to me nor to her, although he said, I quote "You don't know how much I want to kiss you and be with you even this very moment". I am sooooo CONFUSED. Can he love her if he wants to be with me at the same time? Did he become afraid of us getting closer, so he had to
push me a little away for a while? What's going on? Is there a possible happy ending to my story? What should I do next? I began to act cool, I am acting a little distant so as not to  let him know that I am hurt and that I want so badly to be with him. What's the right decision at the moment? We are together every day, working on a project at work, we act like friends now, but there's something hanging in the air. Please HELP!!!

Answer
Hi Isabelle,
Unfortunately, there is no happy ending to this story if you allow this situation to stay status quo.  You are walking down an emotionally draining path and the only outcome is PAIN.  It isn't anything that you are doing to cause him to say the things that he is saying.  The truth is... he is having his cake and eating it too.  We make things much more complicated then they actually are.  It is pretty simple (not your emotions), but rather the situation.  He has a girlfriend of 8 years - he may be bored, interested in something exciting, attention seeking, etc.  Whatever his ammunition is - the truth is exactly what he said.... he is not leaving his girlfriend of 8 years.  I have had quite a few people write to me that were in the same situation as you and none of them had a positive outcome when they stayed in the situation.  The only time their lives got better was when they removed themselves from the situation.  He is emotionally unavailable.  No matter what mind games are played - he isn't leaving his girlfriend right now... he already said that.  Now, it is your choice whether or not you want to stay involved with him knowing that he is NOT leaving her.  That means that you are SHARING someone with someone else.  Is that what you really want for yourself?  Don't you deserve someone who is available to you all of the time?  If you choose to stay in this situation there is noone that you can blame, but yourself because you know the situation.  I cannot tell you one way or another what to do, but I can tell you that I would advise anyone in this situation to run as fast as they can because all they are doing is setting themselves up for heartache.  A lot of heartache.... It is normal to hold onto "wishful" thinking in a "perfect" world, but the truth is.... as long as he can have his cake and eat it too.... he will.... You are the only one who has the power to stop this before you are in even deeper then you already are.  I hope this helps and I tried to be as direct and honest as I could because the heartache is so painful.... Good Luck