Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 1/12/2008

Question
Hi Ms. Dunn,

I am a forty-year-old woman who has never married for various reasons (I never had a biological rush to get married/have kids because I decided I'm not having or adopting kids [I wouldn't mind being a stepmother, though].......I'm extremely independent...........I have had lifelong depression and anxiety which I am being treated successfully for and I am functional in life, but these conditions have slown me down in the social department........and I have a fear of commitment), so already I feel like I'm in a stigmatic category of never-married.

I have dated a lot in the past (many short term boyfriends), up until my early 30s.  However, I have had two or three long-term relationships, the longest relationship lasting two years.   Now, I really want to get back "out there" and at least try to date.  I would like to be in a monogamous relationship, even marriage.   

I am kind of embarrassed, though, because it has been almost 8 years since I had a boyfriend or even kissed a guy.  A lack of "drive" due to medications helped me go so long without a boyfriend/boy-toy.  So, I have a huge gap in my dating "resume," and I don't want to tell guys right away how long I've gone not dating, nor go into the deeper reasons why I haven't.

Also, there is another reason I haven't kissed or dated or had boyfriends in 8 years: I keep attracting the same type of guy, every time, even after years of psychotherapy and lots of "work" on "better-ing" myself for a better guy.  

The typical guy I attract (or, I seem to be drawn to, and I am immediately interested in this type) is as follows:
He is usually extremely intelligent, almost a prodigy, might have had some great fame in earlier days (owned own business, former famous rock climber, former famous artist 25 yrs ago, no longer working, etc.).  A lot of them are bipolar (manic depressive disorder).  They are no longer in their heydays-their heydays are past, and they are "shells" of men - completely broken.  A lot of them can't afford rent, one lived on a boat. All of them were unemployed. They are barely functional.  One of them had a crystal meth addiction.  All of the bipolar guys I dated also were drinking alcohol constantly, as well as taking medication (double-medicating themselves).  Most were alcoholics (even after I became sober, I kept dating alcoholics).

But I loved them.  I felt so attracted to their pain....I understood it.  And they loved something in me, and I loved that they saw that in me.  I could be "safe" with them.  They would never reject/abandon me, because they were in such bad condition, going out with me would be seen as a "god-send" to them.

Friends have asked what positive things I got out of having these boyfriends.  I guess....the physical intimacy helped me stay in there.........and I felt I could understand my boyfriends' pain.  I also like(d) the game of trying to figure these guys out.  Because a lot of them were (and are) mysterious (yes, I'm still "attracting" these types).  

I like(d) trying to "crack" these guys' barriers. I'd like to be the one that "brings them back to life."  One of the guys was very mysterious and not available because he was doing crystal meth by himself at home (hid it from me).

Other boyfriends were drunk or on heavy meds most of the time, making it hard to communicate or do functional activities together.  They would balk at doing things with me on weekends (the "responsibility" of having a regular girlfriend was too much for them).  Yet, they still loved me, and wanted me back after I broke up with them.  The "relations" I had with these guys were very fulfilling, also.  I liked what I felt was full, deep physical "intimacy" with them, while knowing they were still mysterious (and that they would not "smother" me or engulf me, a big fear I have).

By the way, all of the relationships have been disastrous.........fraught with fights and frustration and pain (all for just a little wonderful physical intimacy that I wanted).  

I noticed that after I became sober, I started "picking"/being "attracted to" even worse types of men, much mentally sicker/dysfunctional/full of pain, yet I couldn't stop myself from this "pull."

Even after all this therapy, I still finding myself attracting/being attracted to this type of guy.  Even today, as I volunteer and meet new people, I am now flirting/in a "friendship" relationship with this same type of guy, and I feel very sexually attracted to him. I feel we have a bond, and I want us to "bond."   

I don't understand why these feelings (past and present) are so strong, when I am *nothing* similar at all to these guys (at least on the outside, anyway).  I look fine, don't look rough and ragged like these guys do (they have craggy faces and life has aged them awful, a lot of them have broken teeth and are too embarrassing to show to friends/family).  

I can keep relatively employed. I am fairly attractive.  I dress well, I am clean (hygienically).  After years of secret alcoholism, I completely stopped drinking twelve years ago, and I don't smoke either, so I don't have any "bad habits." The only things I take are prescription drugs for depression/anxiety.  I go to therapy. I'm well-educated.  I believe I could "do" much better in choosing men.
 
However, I am never attracted to mentally healthier men.  They intimidate me. I cast my eyes downward while talking with them. They do not attract me sexually at all, either.  There is no "pull," no attraction, no drawing of them to me.

I am a passionate person, and I have tried faking passion with a "nice" guy (I did try it), and it didn't work.

So, basically, I avoided dating men for 8 years, instead of trying to work on this issue.  And now it's really lonely and hard to get back into dating, especially when I still feel my "past" dating behaviors acting up again.

Is it really possible to change our brains, to change the type of people to whom we are attracted to?  Do I need to get a better therapist, one who can help me better with my issues?   

Am I really that much in pain and dysfunctional inside, as these men whom I am attracted to?  The people we attract usually function as a mirror so we can see ourselves.   How would you see me from those I attract?  I can't imagine that I could be as hurt, broken, and damaged by life as these guys are.  But it could be true.  I grew up taking care of my sick mother, who later died. I always dreamed of bringing her back to life, of her disease reversing, of me helping bring her regenerate and be happy/healthy again.

I just don't know how to use these life lessons to help change, so that I attract more positive mentally healthy men.

Sorry so long. Thank you for responding.

Sincerely,

Tina A.

Answer
You've nailed this one right, that there's some old neuronal pattern in your brain that's stuck in a really nasty pattern.  But here's the thing - knowing this is nice  - it's insight - but if you don't know what ELSE to do, what's the use of all the insight.

And that's why we have the field of coaching.

Yes, possible to turn this around.  Therapy did not work before, so why would it work again? this is neurotic - trying again what did not ork before, only longer, harder, blah blah.

I suggest coaching for you.  It moves forward and (most people tell me) is a lot clearer and "useful." You see you have the "insight" now, but still don't know how to use it -- and that's what coaching is about.  

I can help you with this

Email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc  and mention this in your email.  

All the best,
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc
sdunn@susandunn.cc