Expert: Lanay Stockstill - 10/1/2008

Question
So - at 23 years old, finishing college in December and currently applying to medical school, I am finally ready to enter the dating arena.  I missed out on the large majority of trial & error dating and flirting practice in my youth - as I was quite the tomboy, was involved with sports, was friends with guys, and avoided dating (physical insecurities, etc, you've heard the story)...

Nevertheless, now I am finally ready to let down the guard (aka - concrete wall) that I encapsulated my heart and emotions in, and start dating.  

I am looking for a romantic, yet playful relationship.  I understand that marriage will not necessarily be knocking at the door, but I am not one for one-night-stands or mere hook-ups, so that leaves me as someone in search of a committed individual.

Can you help me gain insight into dating/flirting tips?  I am very compassionate and tend to be soft spoken, but I want to add a little sass to my step.  I tend to stand strong as a grounded, respectable woman and lean toward maintaining a bit of a professional demeanor, but now I want to develop insight into body language/expressions that really turn guys on!  

Deep down - I feel completely inadequate when it comes to dating - but I do not want to display that sense of inadequacy in meeting guys, as it is often spoken that confidence = sexy.  Additionally, I don't want my inexperience to attract the wrong guys - as some creeps prey on shy girls.  

Anyhow - can you help this 23  

Answer
Hi Jessica,

Wow, it felt as if I was reading right out of my own autobiography with the exception of med school of course.  Yes, I've heard and lived that story, and I'm glad to help you avoid the pitfalls of dating the wrong guys.  

Honestly, I could write a few books with all the things I'd like to include to assist you, but I'll just start with some flirting tips.

I used to be that very serious minded girl that had the wall up where ever I would go.  The trick is to start taking that wall down in pieces instead of trying to bulldoze it.  To remove the first brick you need to practice smiling.  Yes, smiling.  People respond when they sense kindness, and so do guys.  Remember, guys are terrified of betrayal much like we all are.

Now that you're smiling, make sure your arms aren't folded.  People used to say I was intimidating and came off as a no nonsense type of girls.  That had to change, so I started focusing on my body language.  Often I would face away from people to the point that I gave off the message 'Leave me alone.'  Or I would put myself in the corner surrounded by friends.  No guy is going to go through the front line of your friends to get to you.

Set yourself apart.  Give opportunities to guys to approach you.  If you're at a party, go to the snack table alone, or volunteer to help the host in some way.  If you're passing out snacks, everyone has a reason to visit with you.

Have a prop that gets you notices and promotes conversation.  I always have something interesting on that begs to be commented on.  It's shameless, but it works like a charm.  For instance, all my sunglasses are larger than average, and women and men comment on them always.  Another prop may be a scarf, an unusual ring or piece of jewelry.

Now that you look open and approachable, you have to converse, and of course, you want to be playful.  This takes some practice, and you are not going to ace it out of the gate.  Get into the teasing mindset.  

It's hard when you just meet someone and are so used to being serious.  Guys that are good at flirting might try throwing you on your heels a bit with teasing.  Take some tips from them and throw it right back at them.  If there's something about them or something they're wearing that strikes you, comment on it playfully, of course.  One ring I wear always gets a comment about how much it would hurt if I punched them, I'll respond with "You keep on with that attitude and you might just find out" or something equally as silly.  

There's so much more as far as flirting and getting past this into actually dating, but you need to practice and gain confidence in your interactions with guys.  You're probably used to going straight into friend mode.  That helps to relax you, but it doesn't help when a guy is looking for signs that you might be interested in more.

Start practicing and don't get down on yourself.  Look at it a learning opportunity each time, and concentrate on the objective of enjoying yourself.  Sometimes you meet a lot of people that are just fun to be around in the moment, some become friends and some maybe more.

I'm more than happy to help more, but like I said, this is hardly chapter on the subject.  If you like you can check out my site, and/or I'd be more than willing to communicate with you on a one on one basis.  Just email me there.

You've got this,

Lanay

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