Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 10/28/2008

Question
QUESTION: I am a 30 year old single mom of 2. My children's father and I have been separated for over 6 years. In that time, I've had a couple of meaningful relationships. I am dating someone right now that I just don't feel is 'the one'. We dated for 3 years, split up for 2, and just got back together about 3 months ago. For one, I allowed myself to be talked into the relationship (a low point for me?). Which of course I'm not feeling too good about. I feel like a long-term relationship (marriage) with him would be 'settling'. The thought of settling terrifies me.

So, I came up with my "list". The must-have traits, nice to have traits, and the no-can-do traits. I know this is something that is really to each his own...but just asking an opinion if these are "reasonable" things. I have not ordered in list of importance...

MUST HAVE

Intelligent, Educated, Sense of Humor, Confident, Independent, Done having children, Able to form a positive relationship with my children, Attentive, Has long term goals, Outgoing, Fun, Supportive of me, Loving and Affectionate.

HOPE TO HAVE

Physically fit, Taller than me, Nice smile, Is a parent, Interested in relocating from the mid-west eventually, Comes from a mid-to large family (I've had bad experiences with dating the only child), Fits in with my family

NO CAN DO

Smokes, Drug use, Unemployed, Children with many different women (Seems to be an epidemic nowdays), Self centered, Controlling, Needy, Not interested in a relationship with my kids.


ANSWER: Hello Nikki!

If I knew you I could tell whether these things are "reasonable" or not for you. I have some concerns about at least one of them for the "average person" (whomever that is!)

"Interested in relocating from the mid-west eventually" is something of an odd "hope to have". The reason for this is that you can't set goals for anyone else but yourself. If relocating is something YOU want to do, that's fine, but using it as a goal probably isn't.

The rest of these seem ok to me, but I don't think they're fleshed out enough. What about his dreams? What about his political leanings? What about his job? What about his interaction with your kids? There are probably another 1000 things you could consider as part of all of this.

Another aspect that is just is important are things that have a low-priority for you. It's good to know just what's NOT important as well. For instance maybe you don't care if he has a beard or not. Maybe you don't care if he has a career path - a job will do, etc.

When I have my students work on their relationship goals, we take a different path than you did here. We start by listing every attribute we can think of for both the person they're looking for and for the relationship. Once we get a really comprehensive list (and this can take days to accomplish!) then I direct them to go back and organize each item by "must have", "hope to have" and "not important".

Not only is the a more positive way to set goals (directing your mind to look for what you want rather than what you don't) it's also a way to be more complete. Being complete is important because you don't want to have to go back and continually adjust your goals.

The rule is:

Write your goals in concrete, but your plans (to obtain those goals) in sand.

In other words, plans to accomplish your goals can change, but your goals rarely (if ever) do.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Well, I just hate the area I live in. But I don't want to relocate my kids so I'm stuck. They're 9 and 10 so I'm counting down to 9 years from now when they're off to college and I can move AWAY. So, I guess that is kind of an odd "hope to have".

So, you are saying that I should just make a master list? Things specific to the kind of relationship I'd want and things specific to the kind of mate I'd want, and from there sort it out?

Answer
Hello again Nikki!

Yes, I'm saying that in a way.

The "master list" isn't so much a set of hard-and-fast rules by itself. That's why it's important to note what things aren't important to you (which means you're flexible on them.)

For instance, one of your "must haves" is that he's employed. You might include (and this is for example only - you don't have to use this unless it fits your goals), "Makes over $35,000 per year". Then, you might come back later on and label this as a "nice to have, but not critical".

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"