Expert: L.E. Coleman - 10/29/2008

Question
I am impressed by your profile.  My question may be a challenge.  I do no believe in soulamtes (not very spiritual)- and I suppose I would like to be proven wrong!
I am 25 and have never been head over heels.  I have had boyfriends, but I always find something wrong with them (the last one was not from a stable background and behaved like it, the one before did not want to travel and I did, and the one before I found boring).  I begin to worry that I am too picky- that I think too highly of myself (as honestly I keep thinking eh he's not so special...).  This may be compounded by the fact that I am from a very successful background (both parents are Harvard-educated physicians and have a very successful marriage and family together), so I have very high standards.  Do I have to feel like I'm settling to let love happen?  I have heard love just finds you- but I have never had such an experience.  I realize I am still young- but I get nervous as my friends (includig ex-boyfriends) pair off and get married.  
Any advice?

Jen

Answer
Hi Jen.

You are the proof you've been looking for regarding this whole matter concerning the law of attraction and the questions surrounding whether or not there is 'that someone' for us.
I'm glad that you've never been head over heels for anyone. Most people who enter into relationship are first physically attracted to each other. They don't realize that in this initial stage of courtship the chemical, Phenylethylamine is at work, raising their blood pressure and blood glucose levels, which makes them feel more hyped about the relationship--this feeling of falling 'head over heels' as you put it.  In addition, the neurotransmitters dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine are also in play adding to this chemical rush which makes people want to call each other all the time or think about each other all the time during this initial mating period.  I feel sorry for you because you have not experienced anything like this.  It's really not normal not to feel this way on some level. A moment ago I said I was glad that you've never been head over heels for anyone,but this was slight attempt at sarcasm. But nothing is funny about your situation. It stands to reason that your parents probably felt a little head over heels for each other or else we would not be having this kind of conversation. However,it does makes me wonder how successful a marriage your parents really do have when I'm talking to a young women who appears to be emotionally withdrawn in some respect.  This brings us back to this thing about the law of attraction and this idea of soul mates.

The law of attraction holds that like attract like.  In other words, opposites are not attracted to each other.  The men or young men you've been involved with have mirrored your internal makeup in some way.  In other words, it's like a plug and and light-socket. Both the socket and plug must be compatible to merge. In other words, finding something wrong with your boyfriends means there's something wrong with you. After all, you're the one who drew them into your life.  Think about it for a minute. A supposedly stable young woman, from a supposedly stable household, chooses a person who is unstable.  This can only happen when the woman has instability in herself.  There's simply no way of getting around this. I'm talking to you in this way because I intuitively sense that you want someone to be honest with you. You don't need someone to coddle you at this time--but a friend who will at least tell you the truth as he or she sees it.  Let me continue.
You also said that one boyfriend didn't want to travel or was not as adventurous (my take) as you are and the other one was boring.  But when you step back and take a serious look at where you are right now in your life you're going to find that you are not as adventurous or outgoing (not boring) as you'd like to believe.  Stuck people draw other stuck people into their life but can't see why the relationship doesn't go anywhere.  Again, you can only attract men who can plug into you.  
The men you've attracted so far are your indicators as to if you're too picky or if your standards are too high. The answer is: No, you're not being to picky, nor are you thinking that you're too good for anybody.  Quite the contrary is happening.  You hold the men up to a standard that you can't even fit and you're drawing the men who you internally feel you deserve right now.  ( I can hear your resistance to this statement and this is the tell-tale sign that you  should give it deep thought.) The truth hurts, but it can also be the healing balm we need.  
What I'm sensing right now, is that you're a wonderful woman who wants to share her life with that 'special someone.' But how can this be possible if you really don't believe that there is that 'special someone'?  So far, you've gotten the bottom of the barrel so to speak because you don't believe that there's something better. I know you'd like to believe there's something better--but you don't believe and accept it with your heart. When are you going to wake up to the realization that in order for things to change, you must change.  It's never been about them (the men in your life), it has always been about you.  You can have the best relationship in the world, but you've first got to deal with Jen. Once you begin to love yourself deeply you'll draw someone who will love you deeply.  Get off into your closet, your cave, and find out who Jen is and what she wants and why she wants it. This is your time for soul-searching. Get busy, girl! By the way, I written some articles from my book which are featured on girsaskguys.com under the dating section.  Read them and read them again. I think they might shed a little more light on what we've been talking about.