Expert: Lanay Stockstill - 10/24/2008

Question
Hi,My name is Tina.And i have a question about first loves.I know that you never forget them.But i had recently got back with the man i fell in love with has been in love with for 14 years.Now things have really changed about him for the worst on his behalf.He has 4 kids unemployed(though he do have income from ssd).What i fell in love with is not what it was before.He tells me that he loves me but i don't really feel the sparks like it was 3 of the 6 month's now that we have been together.Yes i feel even more stupid to let him move in with me and my at the time 6 y.o. daughter now 7.She likes him alot and i feel down right angry that if i let him go she will lose out on a man that she had adapted to as DAD.But he told me when we first started back dating that it was ok for her to call him that.She thinks that it is complete but i am not so sure.Well bottom line is he is lazy and a alcoholic.I helped him to free himself of a dreadful marriage he was in.Even deeper we had lost twins recently.Since then he has kind of drifted.I am just wondering am i wasting my time.After numerous disagrements I feel hopeless.After 3 years of not having any relationship with any men(my choice for the fear of my little girl Jasmin not having a good strong father figure in her life.So what would be the advice if any you can give. Thank You Tina

Answer
Hi,

It is so hard to know what is best for a child, but it sounds like you have already answered your own inquiries.  You want your child to have a good, strong father figure in her life.  The man you describe is not that.  Maybe you hope to see what you used to see in this man.  You think with a little patience and help, he will change.  

The fact is that people do not change easily, and people don't change because you want it.  People change because they desire to change.  If he doesn't have the desire to change, it could be a long time if ever before that happens, and your daughter may be grown by then.  

Thus, you have to make a decision with the information you have.  That information is that he just left a bad marriage, is lazy and an alcoholic.  Is that good for your daughter or you?

First love is only that - the first.  It doesn't mean it is the best or the only love.  People have first loves all the time and go on to love other people and have great relationships.  This isn't your last chance, so don't let that fear hold you back.

Take care,

Lanay

www.datingmadeeasyforwomen.com


First love is a little foolish and a lot of curiosity. ~George Bernard Shaw