Expert: Rhapsody Love - 10/15/2008

Question
Hello. I will try to be as thorough as possible.

First, let me say that I have never cheated or strayed. My current relationship has been a bad one for about 85% of it's life. Bad meaning: verbally and physically abusive, financial problems, overly critical, children outside of the relationship problems, lying, and now more recently sexual compatibility problems over the last few years.

I am 34 and he (RBS) is 36. An old romantic interest back in college (10+) years ago, contacted me back last April through a new website for our college alumni. Back then, there was a very strong communicated interest between us but it never went anywhere because he was involved at the time with someone who was cheating on him. I always wondered where he was and what he was up to... I noted that he contacted me within an hour after joining the website – which meant that I had to be at the forefront of his mind and he sought me out. He asked if I remembered him and commented that I was still beautiful (I had a pic).

After about 2 weeks of back and forth of getting caught up with each other he began to flirt by commenting on my looks and stating that he wasn't in a relationship but hopefully would find his soul mate and settle down at some point. (He has never been married and has no children) I commented that I was currently in a relationship and didn't want to complicate things especially since he was flirting a lot and he probably was flirting with other women on the site as well (since I noted that he had commented on at least 2 other women's looks on the website). He said that he calls it as he sees it – if a women is nice looking he will say it. He begged and pleaded with me that I was wrong about him in that light though and that he meant everything he said to me and he asked me to call him. After about a week, I agreed to call him only if he promised to cut out the flirting.

During our first conversation he asked if I was happy in my current relationship. I stated that I did not want to talk about my relationship (side-note: me and my long-time jealous and troubled boyfriend live together) and he respected that but did make the comment that if I was happy I wouldn't have agreed to call him. He asked if he could call me from time to time just as friends. I agreed (personal cell phone). Long story made short, he called me daily for about a month (April – May). I began to open up and shared a little about my current relationship (no specific details - just that things had been rocky for a long time and that my boyfriend was very jealous and controlling and I didn't need any domestic drama in my life as a result of my communicating with him). He agreed to not jeopardize my current relationship by calling or texting me in the evenings and promising to let me handle things in my own way. I did share that I was planning on ending the relationship but I had some things that needed to be taken care of first. He said that we had nothing but time to get to know each other again. There was no need for me to feel rushed.

RBS lives 6 hours away out of state. He shared details about his most recent past relationship of 2 years and what went wrong. He asked me if I would agree to get together with him because he had plans to come to our home state (which is where I live) with some friends for a bike weekend event at the end of May. I told him that I would try. Things didn't work out for us to see each other but we did talk once and text during his 3 days in state.

We continued to speak and text at least 2 to 3 times per week. In one conversation he asked if I could say that I was feeling a little vunerable toward him and if I could see myself leaving my current relationship to be with him. I told him that I could not answer that at the time because I was still getting to know him. He seemed disappointed and became quiet. He later remarked that we have planted the seeds and hopefully we can generate a good root base so that a strong tree can grow…. He invited me to fly to Orlando for a weekend he had planned to attend a concert in June but I declined. He then mentioned that he would be coming back to our home state for Father's Day and he wanted to see me. We did get together for a few hours but prior to our meeting I asked him to be a perfect gentleman (no touchy feely action). He respected my wishes with the exception of a long and tight first hug that lasted about 10 seconds (I had to ask him to let go jokingly). While we visited he sat close to me (almost under me) and I found him staring a lot. We got together again for a movie 3 weeks later (in July) when he came home again. That time I gave him a quick peck on the lips and a hug good-bye. He asked me to consider a weekend in Atlanta, GA (which is half the distance between each of us) for relaxation on him (separate hotel rooms if I wanted). I told him I'd think about it.

In a conversation later on in July I allowed him to ask any questions he wanted and he asked things about my relationship. I shared some personal things and he asked particularly about our sex life and my sex drive. I answered honestly stating that we do have sex regularly and that I really do not enjoy it but that I have sex to keep the tension down between me and my boyfriend because I have had plenty of sleepless nights in the past when I denied him sex. He also asked if I was kinky and he stated that he could get freaky but that he could control that side stating he is a “Control-Freak”. He asked how frequently I like to have sex – 2 to 3 times a week. I stated more… He asked did I watch porn with my boyfriend… I figured him asking these questions was his way of trying to see if there was some sexual compatibility between us… A few weeks later we were talking and he sounded shocked and disappointed to know that me and boyfriend had had sex since the last time he and I last spoke. He kinda blirted it out – “That means you had sex since the last time we talk!”. I thought that was cute...

Early August - I started to feel some distance forming because his calls and texts decreased but by then he had grown on me and I had grown feelings for him. I called him and expressed that I felt distance between us and wondered why because I didn't want to seem clingy calling and texting him if things were changing between us. He used to call me everyday at first if not every other day and would say things like I just wanted to hear your voice… When I told him how I was feeling about the lessening in the frequency of communication- he stated that he had just been busy (started a class in grad school, taking care of things around his house) and asked me not to start thinking like that. He remarked on the fact that he could only call me during the weekdays before 4:30 PM his time. I tried to explain my position of needing to handle things with my relationship in my own way and that it would take some time. That my boyfriend is really nosey and jealous and I normally do not spend time talking on the phone a lot so it would be suspicious. I explained that I was trying to protect myself in this situation. RBS then remarked that he not only had to protect both “himself but me to”. Then things got quite… I could tell by his remark and tone that that was a bothersome point for him as most men are territorial anyway and he couldn’t claim me fully….

More info: I plan to end my relationship at the end of the year (Dec.) or beginning of next year (Jan) - depending on how soon my boyfriend is able to refinance the house into his name instead of mine. He has agreed to do this under the pretense that I will be able to get a better deal financing another better home and then we can sell the one we live in now. Before when I tried to break-up with him he wouldn't leave and I wasn't going to leave him here to live in a house with my name on it. We are in a common-law living situation and I can not kick him out just like that and he never leaves when I ask him to. I figure if the house is his and I can pickup and leave at anytime. I haven’t share this information with RBS…

I finally agreed to get together in ATL. RBS and I planned to meet mid-August in Atlanta. About a week out, I cancelled and told him that I was afraid that if we got together things would turn sexual and I felt conflicted about being a cheater (even though my relationship is drawing to a close). He seemed disappointed but happy to hear that I was at a point of becoming intiment with him. He said that he would respect my wishes in ATL and if I didn't want anything sexual to happen that it wouldn't - he would accept whatever I wanted to give to him (my time or sex). He said the offer was still on the table whenever I was ready, but that football season was starting up and he had made some plans for quite a few weekends.

RBS and I continued to communicate through the rest of month of August but it became me contacting him more than him contacting me (my 2 times to his 1 time on average). Early last month (Sept.), he asked me to send him a sexy photo via text and so I did. He sent me one in return. A few weeks later he asked me for an even more seductive photo (showing some nudity). I said I would only if I got something similar from him first. He agreed... Said he will send it once he was able to take the pic because he was having difficulty taking it (I figure a pic of his bare buns - might be difficult to take).

Longer story made short we have been texting more than speaking on average once or twice a week. There was a point when we didn’t speak of text for almost 2 weeks. He came into town again last week and called me to see me but I couldn't meet him at the time. He said he would call me back but he didn’t. He mentioned meeting in Atlanta again and I said let's look at November. I haven’t spoken to him in 5 days and no texting for 4. Could he be becoming angry because he feels he’s not getting anywhere with me? Is he jealous of my relationship situation feeling like seconds?

He definitely showed his interest in the beginning but things seem to be slacking off. My question is, do you think he is really interested in me for a long-term serious relationship or does it seem to be more of a “I’m not serious with anyone at the moment so let’s have fun with this conquest of the One That Got Away back in college”? Does it seem to you that the tides have turned to be more of a sexual thing for him now because of the asking for pics and talking about sex and porn?  Or maybe it’s me and my current relationship situation that has been in the way and has created this withdrawal action from him? Could it even become serious with the distance? I thought about playing the wait game and waiting on him to make all of the moves but then I thought he may be wanted to see just how interested I am in him since we haven’t been able to spend much time together and I haven’t made good on a weekend in Atlanta… Have I been sending out the wrong messages?

I’ve been told that when a man is interested in a women he will definitely let it be known. He will do the chasing – by calling you, texting, etc… What are your thoughts from the outside looking in? What are some ways I can tell or things that I could do to get confirmation on just how much interest is there?  I would just wait until I've ended things in my current relationship and do things in decency and order but fear that RBS might slip away again after al of these years keeps me continuing the contact with him.

Answer
HolDC,

That was a long story and a complicated one. You asked him not to flirt even though you didn't really have intentions of having a serious relationship with him and you're already in a relationship. And then you characterize him as "controlling". Men do like to be controlling quite often, but he doesn't have much or any control in this relationship. Can you blame him for backing off? He has no idea when he might be able to have you sexually or to himself. How would you feel if he told you he was having sex regularly with another woman the way you tell him you're doing?

He may be 6 hrs. away, but if you ended your relationship would you be willing to move closer to him if he wanted you to? He said you could take your time, but you're not sure what else might be happening in his life on those 5 days when you don't hear from him. I don't think you can really find out until you end your relationship. When you've moved out and are on your own and your current relationship is definitely over, I'm sure things will change with your relationship with RBS if he hasn't found someone else or something else has changed.

I don't find that men always call. It has been his behavior to call, but men often get caught up in their work and other things and they don't necessarily keep contact often. I think he was really interested in you and maybe... probably still is. If I were you, I wouldn't hesitate to call him. If you don't tell him your situation of trying to leave your current relationship, how, and when, then how is he supposed to know that he'll have a real chance with you?

I hope your moving out and leaving your current relationship will be as easy as you make it sound. It seems deceitful to me which could cause anger, but I understand it's a difficult situation & maybe you've let him know that you want to end the relationship enough so it won't be a surprise to him. Hopefully there won't be any repercussions. I think you should end that relationship before you get serious in a relationship with RBS. It's nice he's willing to be friends. I think I'd feel it's a little like cheating to share nude photos, though. I understand you want to encourage RBS, though, so he'll be in your life later. There's no promise there; you just have to hope for the best.

Good luck!

- Joyce