Expert: L.E. Coleman - 10/15/2008

Question
Hello. I will try to be as thorough as possible.

I am 34 and he (RBS) is 36. An old romantic interest back in college (10+) years ago, contacted me back last April through a new website for our college alumni. Back then, there was a very strong communicated interest between us but it never went anywhere because he was involved at the time with someone who was cheating on him. I noted that he contacted me within an hour after joining the website – which meant that I had to be at the forefront of his mind and he sought me out. He asked if I remembered him and commented that I was still beautiful (I had a pic).

After about 2 weeks of back and forth of getting caught up with each other he began to flirt by commenting on my looks and stating that he wasn't in a relationship but hopefully would find his soul mate and settle down at some point. (He has never been married and has no children) I commented that I was currently in a relationship and didn't want to complicate things especially since he was flirting a lot and he probably was flirting with other women on the site as well (since I noted that he had commented on at least 2 other women's looks on the website). He said that he calls it as he sees it – if a women is nice looking he will say it. He begged and pleaded with me that I was wrong about him in that light though and that he meant everything he said to me and he asked me to call him. After about a week, I agreed to call him only if he promised to cut out the flirting.

During our first conversation he asked if I was happy in my current relationship. I stated that I did not want to talk about my relationship (side-note: me and my long-time jealous and troubled boyfriend live together) and he respected that but did make the comment that if I was happy I wouldn't have agreed to call him. He asked if he could call me from time to time just as friends. I agreed (personal cell phone). Long story made short, he called me daily for about a month (April – May). I began to open up and shared a little about my current relationship (no specific details - just that things had been rocky for a long time and that my boyfriend was very jealous and controlling and I didn't need any domestic drama in my life as a result of my communicating with him). He agreed to not jeopardize my current relationship by calling or texting me in the evenings and promising to let me handle things in my own way. I did share that I was planning on ending the relationship but I had some things that needed to be taken care of first. He said that we had nothing but time to get to know each other again. There was no need for me to feel rushed.

RBS lives 6 hours away out of state. He shared details about his most recent past relationship of 2 years and what went wrong. He asked me if I would agree to get together with him because he had plans to come to our home state (which is where I live) with some friends for a bike weekend event at the end of May. I told him that I would try. Things didn't work out for us to see each other but we did talk once and text during his 3 days in state.

We continued to speak and text at least 2 to 3 times per week. In one conversation he asked if I could say that I was feeling a little vunerable toward him and if I could see myself leaving my current relationship to be with him. I told him that I could not answer that at the time because I was still getting to know him. He seemed disappointed and became quiet. He later remarked that we have planted the seeds and hopefully we can generate a good root base so that a strong tree can grow…. He invited me to fly to Orlando for a weekend he had planned to attend a concert in June but I declined. He then mentioned that he would be coming back to our home state for Father's Day and he wanted to see me. We did get together for a few hours but prior to our meeting I asked him to be a perfect gentleman (no touchy feely action). He respected my wishes with the exception of a long and tight first hug that lasted about 10 seconds (I had to ask him to let go jokingly). While we visited he sat close to me (almost under me) and I found him staring a lot. We got together again for a movie 3 weeks later (in July) when he came home again. That time I gave him a quick peck on the lips and a hug good-bye. He asked me to consider a weekend in Atlanta, GA (which is half the distance between each of us) for relaxation on him (separate hotel rooms if I wanted). I told him I'd think about it.

In a conversation later on in July I allowed him to ask any questions he wanted and he asked things about my relationship. I shared some personal things and he asked particularly about our sex life and my sex drive. I answered honestly stating that we do have sex regularly and that I really do not enjoy it but that I have sex to keep the tension down between me and my boyfriend because I have had plenty of sleepless nights in the past when I denied him sex. He also asked if I was kinky and he stated that he could get freaky but that he could control that side stating he is a “Control-Freak”. He asked how frequently I like to have sex – 2 to 3 times a week. I stated more… He asked did I watch porn with my boyfriend… I figured him asking these questions was his way of trying to see if there was some sexual compatibility between us… A few weeks later we were talking and he sounded shocked and disappointed to know that me and boyfriend had had sex since the last time he and I last spoke. He kinda blirted it out – “That means you had sex since the last time we talk!”. I thought that was cute...

Early August - I started to feel some distance forming because his calls and texts decreased but by then he had grown on me and I had grown feelings for him. I called him and expressed that I felt distance between us and wondered why because I didn't want to seem clingy calling and texting him if things were changing between us. He used to call me everyday at first if not every other day and would say things like I just wanted to hear your voice… When I told him how I was feeling about the lessening in the frequency of communication- he stated that he had just been busy (started a class in grad school, taking care of things around his house) and asked me not to start thinking like that. He remarked on the fact that he could only call me during the weekdays before 4:30 PM his time. I tried to explain my position of needing to handle things with my relationship in my own way and that it would take some time. That my boyfriend is really nosey and jealous and I normally do not spend time talking on the phone a lot so it would be suspicious. I explained that I was trying to protect myself in this situation. RBS then remarked that he not only had to protect both “himself but me to”. Then things got quite… I could tell by his remark and tone that that was a bothersome point for him as most men are territorial anyway and he couldn’t claim me fully….

More info: I plan to end my relationship at the end of the year (Dec.) or beginning of next year (Jan) - depending on how soon my boyfriend is able to refinance the house into his name instead of mine. He has agreed to do this under the pretense that I will be able to get a better deal financing another better home and then we can sell the one we live in now. Before when I tried to break-up with him he wouldn't leave and I wasn't going to leave him here to live in a house with my name on it. We are in a common-law living situation and I can not kick him out just like that and he never leaves when I ask him to. I figure if the house is his and I can pickup and leave at anytime. I haven’t share this information with RBS…

I finally agreed to get together in ATL. RBS and I planned to meet mid-August in Atlanta. About a week out, I cancelled and told him that I was afraid that if we got together things would turn sexual and I felt conflicted about being a cheater (even though my relationship is drawing to a close). He seemed disappointed but happy to hear that I was at a point of becoming intiment with him. He said that he would respect my wishes in ATL and if I didn't want anything sexual to happen that it wouldn't - he would accept whatever I wanted to give to him (my time or sex). He said the offer was still on the table whenever I was ready, but that football season was starting up and he had made some plans for quite a few weekends.

RBS and I continued to communicate through the rest of month of August but it became me contacting him more than him contacting me (my 2 times to his 1 time on average). Early last month (Sept.), he asked me to send him a sexy photo via text and so I did. He sent me one in return. A few weeks later he asked me for an even more seductive photo (showing some nudity). I said I would only if I got something similar from him first. He agreed... Said he will send it once he was able to take the pic because he was having difficulty taking it (I figure a pic of his bare buns - might be difficult to take).

Longer story made short we have been texting more than speaking on average once or twice a week. There was a point when we didn’t speak of text for almost 2 weeks. He came into town again last week and called me to see me but I couldn't meet him at the time. He said he would call me back but he didn’t. He mentioned meeting in Atlanta again and I said let's look at November. I haven’t spoken to him in 5 days and no texting for 4. Could he be becoming angry because he feels he’s not getting anywhere with me? Is he jealous of my relationship situation feeling like seconds?

He definitely showed his interest in the beginning but things seem to be slacking off. My question is, do you think he is really interested in me for a long-term serious relationship or does it seem to be more of a “I’m not serious with anyone at the moment so let’s have fun with this conquest of the One That Got Away back in college”? Does it seem to you that the tides have turned to be more of a sexual thing for him now because of the asking for pics and talking about sex and porn?  Or maybe it’s me and my current relationship situation that has been in the way and has created this withdrawal action from him? Could it even become serious with the distance? I thought about playing the wait game and waiting on him to make all of the moves but then I thought he may be wanted to see just how interested I am in him since we haven’t been able to spend much time together and I haven’t made good on a weekend in Atlanta… Have I been sending out the wrong messages?

I’ve been told that when a man is interested in a women he will definitely let it be known. He will do the chasing – by calling you, texting, etc… What are your thoughts from the outside looking in? What are some ways I can tell or things that I could do to get confirmation on just how much interest is there?

Answer
Hi HolDC.

I think you already know the answer to your question because all the tale-tell red flags are there. If you're asking me if he's really interested in you for a long-term serious relationship, my answer is a resounding, no!  But you already know this.  Intuition is a woman's best friend and you've been pushing against what you instinctively know you should do. For example, you told this gentleman that you didn't want to complicate things. Why?  Because you're already in a mess that you know you're trying to get out of.  
As I was reading your message I didn't have to even get to part about why you're still with somebody you might have some attachment to, but really don't love. I knew, even while reading, that your reason for staying in your current unhealthy relationship had to do with the issue of fear and finances. Women often emotionally prostitute themselves, staying in unhealthy relationships, because of fear. But that's not your biggest problem.  
The law of attraction holds that 'like attracts like.'  This means you and your current boyfriend are suited for each other at this point in your life because neither one of you have dealt with the serious issues that brought you two together.  He's not insecure, nosy or jealous for no reason at all, and you're not sneaking around his back for no reason at all. Don't you see the obvious?  An insecure jealous man who doesn't really trust his woman, is in a relationship with a woman who can't be trusted.
This is how the law of attraction works. Whatever we are at our core, whatever signals or vibrations we are sending out into the universe--whether needy or fearful-- can only draw people who match our spiritual and emotional vibration.
 I get the impression that you're a wonderful woman who wants a good man in her life.  However, look at your behavior and tell me if you think you're ready for your soul mate.   You're already in an unhealthy relationship with someone and you getting ready to jump into another one.  You're not crazy-only fearful.  You simply haven't learn to love yourself. Women who do not love themselves can only  attract a man who won't love them.  I hate to be that blunt, but that's a fact.
As a side note, any man who can't recognize that a woman has to first work through her own issues before getting involved with him lacks insight, intuition, and real compassion.  In your case, HE'S NOT THE ONE.  He is a flirt and you know it. And you also know in your gut that he's told plenty of women the same things he told you. What's happened to you is this: an emotional bond of sorts has gripped you because the two of you shared intimate detail about yourselves. This is a common dynamic that happens between people who open themselves up to each other.  But don't think for a moment that it has anything to do with love.  If I'm him, I thinking, "this woman is all right, but she doesn't have her shit together."  I'm usually not as blunt with people when answering questions of this kind, but something tells me you're a woman who can take it.  I also sense that you're a woman who will get herself together, financially, psychologically and emotionally.  Stop waiting and wondering what's on his mind. You've got bigger fish to fry.