Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 11/26/2008

Question
I read the post about the woman who keeps attracting the totally dysfunctional men....it coulda been written by me and yes I have alot of awareness and see the red flags now, but still have no clue what to do with this info. How do I find an avenue and KNOW that the guy I might meet is trustworthy, honest, has integrity and really capable of loving ME without a hidden agenda?

Thank you....

Answer
Dear Twofish,

The way you do this is to get it straight in your head what are the red flags -- in general (like a criminal record - see my blog for how to check this), and in particular (that his values are very different from yours or that he has lied to you.)

Then - TAKE YOUR TIME.  It is up to the woman to control the pace of the relationship.  The only way you can find out if he is trustworthy, honest, has integrity and really capable of loving YOU without a hidden agenda is by spending time with him, and postponing sex.  Because sex clouds the heads of women and can have zero affect on a man.

Also by flirting but not pursuing.  Men do not value what they don't have to work for.  What you do with the information is to use it.  As Yogi Berra said, when you open your eyes you can observe things.  Don't be blinded by your fantasies to things that are happening right in front of your eyes.  And with men, pay a LOT more attention to their actions than their words.  

You will have to kiss a lot of frogs.  Everyone does.  Are you tired of kissing frogs?  Then quit doing it and get serious about what you want. If he shows you any sign that he is untrustworthy, give him one second chance, and then get him out of your life.  Move quickly.  Then you don't pile up any more negative experiences.  

Keep these principles in mind NO MATTER HOW ATTRACTED TO HIM PHYSICALLY YOU ARE.  That means nothing in the long run.

It's qualities you are looking forward, which you will observe over time as you see how he leads his life.  And how he treats YOU is the most important thing.  Use your intuition.  If you have lousy intuition you're in big trouble, so see me for coaching on this.  In other words, smart girls know that where there's smoke, there's fire; when it stinks, it's bad; when he makes you feel weird or unsure, that's bad.

I hope you see what I'm saying here.  You have to keep your head about you.  A man who 's a good lover is not necessarily a good man to marry.  Marriage is about making a life together, and you'd better take time to see how he lives his life, and keep your head about you until you get the very sure feeling that "this feels right."  YOu haven't felt it yet - for good reasons - but when you do, you will know it.  You should not have to worry where he is or what he's doing ...wonder if he's lying ... suspecting he's fooling around ... know that he's stealing at work and thinking a marriage might work.

Hold out for what you really want.  When it comes along, it will feel right.  (And I'm not talking about getting a buzz because he's sexy.)

P.S.  It matters where you're going to meet guys, too.  YOur chances of finding a healthy, spiritual guy are better at a gym or a church, than at a bar or singles club.  Make some changes, and stop doing what doesn't work.

I never coached a woman who got into a bad deal who didn't have inklings about it that she ignored.  He said it, she just refused to hear it.  No, he will not change because of you.  What you see is what you get.  And what he says you'd better listen to -- and most of all, it's how he treats you and the relationship.
All the best,
Susan
http://datingcoachblog.blogspot.com