Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 11/25/2008

Question
QUESTION: I met this guy about 15 years ago.  We started out dating but it grew into a great friendship.  I have always had feelings (more than friends) for him but I kept them to myself.  I didn't want to mess up our friendship.  Then he was suppose to get married this past summer, but realized he didn't truly love this girl.  We stopped talking all together.  Then some tragic events happened in our lives this summer with his dad dying and my grandfather passed away at around the same time.  We were there for each other just as friends.  He told me he wanted to try dating again.  He started sending me text like I miss you or I am thinking about you.  He would tell me good night sweetheart and good morning.  Then all of a sudden he stopped doing it as much.  I Love this boy with all of my heart and always have, but I will not beg for someone to show me some attention.  I guess my question is:  Should I worry about him not being as sweet as he was at the first of the relationship.  He still tells me he loves me and he still wants to make a go of it.  I just feel like I am making all of the moves and I don't like it.   What should I do????  HELP!!!

ANSWER: Dear Claudia,

Hmmm.  This is a tricky situation.  I have to think there's a reason why it didn't work out in the first place ... but you should play this out to see, so you can either get with him, or get on with your life.  

What should you do?  Stop "making all the moves."  I'm sure you don't like it - pay attention to how it is making you feel.  YUCH!  Be receptive when he does come around, but leave it up to him to make the moves.  Otherwise, like right now, you won't be able to trust his intentions.  

It's rough to be about to be married and then back out.  He may have trouble with ambivalence in general ... so watch out for that.  But whatever the reasons, it's rough when something like that happens, and takes a while to get over.  He may not really be emotionally available yet.  

So, the bottom line is ... wait and see if he gets himself turned around and heading for you in the way that you want.  Back off. Don't return calls immediately.  Be busy.  Don't accept last-minute things like a call at 5 to "go hang out" tonight or something like that.  Set it up so he has to make a real approach to you.  Men do not appreciate something unless they have to work for it. This is also a subtle way of letting him know that you respect yourself, and expect certain kinds of behavior.  Don't say it; just do it.

This will also give YOU time to figure out what you're doing and how you really feel about him.  Like right now he's giving you a rough ride.  Are you paying attention??

Good luck!
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc
http://datingcoachblog.blogspot.com  



---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I appreciate your advice.  He can be very sweet when he wants to be.  He is going through lot right now.  He was just laid off and can't find work anywhere.  He tells me that I am not affectionate enough.  That I can be stand offish in his words.  I was raised to keep some things private in a relationship.  My question is:  Should I give him more attention or should I keep my guard up.  I am very confused about this relationship.  I am worried that I am going to lose him.  I feel like he is just keeping me around until something else comes along.

Answer
Dear Claudia,

Believe me, this is hard to write.  I wish this would work out for you, and that it had some good signs.  But ... but ... first of all, any relationship that is "very confusing" is not a good one.  You should be getting clear signals from a man who is serious about you.

If you feel like he is just keeping you around until something else comes along ... much as I hate to say this, those feelings are coming up for a reason.  To give you information.  Pay attention. Yes, men will do this.  He can fool you, but don't fool yourself.

The surest thing for you to do is to do nothing.  Your fear of losing him can actually drive him away - it's like a negative energy.  FUrthermore, it's often set up in ambivalent relationships.  He keeps you just enough off balance - comes forward, pulls back, criticizes, won't let you go, gives then disappears ... etc.  Being critical is a good way to keep a woman off balance.  

The only way you can trust his intentions is if you let him make the moves.  To force him to put forth effort, and to act like he is really courting you.  If he isn't really interested, he won't put forth the energy.  It will be sad, but get the blinders off your eyes and look at what is really happening.  It's a man's actions more than his words.

If it doesn't work out, in time you will see that you have dodged a bullet.

From my years of experience in Dating Coaching, if a relationship doesn't work out the first time, and the guy comes back around, you usually find out there was a reason why it didn't work the first time, and that -- despite any feelings -- the reason is still there and was a good one.  It's just as poignant the second time around ... but they usually do not work out.  For the same reason they didn't the first time.  Try as you did!!

I wish I could be more optimistic.

Don't get discouraged.  If not him, there is someone better out there for you.

P.S.  I understand he's having a hard time.  You don't have to fix anything.  Men having a hard time tend to behave poorly toward women.  That's just the way they are.  They will 'use' one woman until they feel back to their full, strong self, when they know what they are doing, and then they will go find the Real Woman for them.  You do NOT want to be in this heart-breaking position, so pay attention to the inlings you are getting. You wrote it.  Did you read what you read?

And don't take it personally.  

All the best,
Susan