Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 11/29/2008

Question
QUESTION: Hello, my name Karisma! I would say when it comes to love I'm completely hopeless but when it comes to writing about love, I seem to ace it hands down. Its my senior year in High School and I don't even have a high school sweetie to account for! But there is this really smart, funny, and totally sexy guy who works at my job. We really seem to mesh well but I don't know if he likes me as much as I like him. I also don't want to risk having one of those awkward moments at work. The most stressing thing is I feel like since I'm hopeless at love that I might mess it up and I really like this guy. He has a really good head on his shoulders and I don't think he disserves the bimbos at his school. So what should I do?

ANSWER: Dear Karisma,

I don't see why you say you are "hopeless" at love.  It's still very early in the game!  Dating takes practice, so you just have to get in there and learn about it.  I'm glad you've found a guy that appeals to you so  much and that you get to be around him.  What should you do?  It's always best to let the guy make the first move (as to dating), actually to always let him take the lead.  So just keep being friendly and see what happens.  Maybe he will ask you out one of these days.  I hope so, and if he does, I'm sure you'll do fine.  Don't focus on yourself so much, but on him and making him comfortable.  That will keep you from getting a case of nerves.

Good luck!
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc
http://datingcoachblog.blogspot.com

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: So things just got a lot more complicated. I've been talking to my dream guy at work lately and I'm really getting to know him better. Like I said we mesh! It almost seems like chemistry. We say all the right things and do all the right things when we are with each other! So just when I'm right in the middle of a conversation with him he mentions that he has a girlfriend and five minutes later he mentions that they are panning to get married! But I can tell he really doesn't want to do it, he is just being loyal. Then I found out that my mother transferred me to another job without letting me know. Now I'm going to be working in another city, but I can't let this one go. Its not like he just a crush; it just seems different. So what should I do now?

ANSWER: Dear Karisma,

He told you he is getting married.  How do you know he doesn't want to, he's just being loyal?  One thing women do when they are falling in love is to misinterpret.  This can get you in a lot of trouble.  If it is true that he really doesn't want to - most men really don't want to - and they do it, our of loyalty.  Why can't you let this go?  There really isn't much here.  He has not asked you out.  He has told you he is getting married.  I don't get what you are seeing here?

It's probably going to be a good thing to go to another city.  It will clear the air on this one.  I wonder why your mother would do that without telling you ... what's going on there?

I just want you to do a Reality Check here.

What you should do now?  Well I guess you have to go to the new job.  I would not contact the man.  Courtship rituals are hard-wired, and it's up to the male to do any pursuing.  We can also fall in love with men who don't have the same feelings to return.  When that happens, it's best to move on quickly.  You don't want to get attached to being attached to men who aren't interested in you.

Lets say he is interested in you.  Then he has to do something about the other woman.  Then he has to contact you.  It's actually good you'll be somewhere else, because then, like I said, he would have to put some work and energy into it, and then you would have a sure sign that he is interested in you.

Right now all you have is that you are attracted to him, and that he is getting married.

Think this one through some more.  I think there's something very big that you are missing.

All the best,
Susan

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Okay, I gave it some thought and I realize that he is just a young boy with issues just like everybody else. his mother and father were not together and he feels that since he found a good girl he needs to stick by her ( by marriage). I wish he can see that he has more than enough time to think about things like that. Well, I say him today and we talked; as friends. I realize that that all we will ever be, until he fixes the commitment issues in the future. That doesn't mean I like him never the less but I'm over it. So do you have any advise for next time?

Answer
You have courage to go and find out ... and then get on with your life.

For the next one, there should be steady movement forward toward what you want.  And let him do the work - calling you, setting the dates, and keep txting and such to a minimum.  Don't give him all your time and all your heart, until you are sure you are getting it in return.  If the woman is too "easy," men will lose interest.

Go back over any clues you missed here, and remember them.  Don't have to spend a lot of time analyzing it, just enough to learn from it.

When a guy is really interested in you, for marriage, he will act differently, and you can tell.  

Set a time limit on progression of the relationship, just as you did here, in writing me.  If it doesn't keep moving forward, remove yourself and don't waste your time.

There's someone looking for you just as hard as you are looking for them.

Hugs,
Susan