Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 11/19/2008

Question
Hi

Ive been going out with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years now and it was great until now. We're great friends, and we really like each other. The problem is,he doesnt want me to talk to this other guy friend of mine. Im not very good friends with this guy, but we do get along very well. My boyfriend says that hes not the right type of guy to be friends with and to tell you the truth, i HAVE felt so a few times as well. So i gradually tried losing contact with him, and things were okay between me and my guy until a month ago. Thats when i talked to that friend of mine again - and thats the last time ive talked to him because my boyfriend found out and ever since hes not been the same.
It been more than a month and all he does is say hi and hello and how are you, although i have apologized many times. I know its my fault, because i shudnt have talked to that other guy when he told me not too. I really am repentant, and ive promised not to do it ever again. I really mean it. My boyfriend said its okay and that he needs time n space. But if it is okay and when hes said he willing to give me another chance, why wont he talk to me?
he exlained to me that he wont tell me loves me right now cuz he doesnt feel that way right now and theres no point in pretending and also that when he does feel that he loves me he will say it. But even when he talks to me hes a bit cold and distant. It is partially my own fault because at the start of this whole thing i panicked and acted desperately by calling him over n over again when he wanted some time out. But now ive gotten old of my emotions and believe that its gonna be okay. Im trying my best to ignore his cold behaviour and try to be confident and strong instead of crying over him like i used to. Is that the right thing to do?
I know it will take time to see improvements in the relationship and i will wait patiently. I am not going to let go of what we had. Its just not worth letting go of.
I talked to his Mom an she thinks that hes just a bit mad at me and with time he'll be okay.She also said that he really is sincere to me.

My only two questions after all of this are
Do you as an expert think that such a situation can be rekindled and can our relationhip be restored to the way it was?
Can you guide me and tell me how to handle his cold behaviour and restore our emotional bond?

Answer
Dear Aisha,

To answer the questions you ask ... but first, this guy sounds awfully controlling.  Are you sure you want this to rekindle?

Do you as an expert think that such a situation can be rekindled and can our relationhip be restored to the way it was?  Can you guide me and tell me how to handle his cold behaviour and restore our emotional bond?  

Well to his way of thinking, you have violated his trust.  Let's set aside whether he's entitled to make such a request of you and the reasons why he felt he needed to do this -- and address the fact that he asked you not to do something that was important to you, you said you would not, and then you did.  

When there is a breach of trust like this, it can be restored, but it takes time. He may be thinking "I can't trust her to keep her word."  And this is something definitely to consider in a relationship.

If he comes back around, it's up to you, the transgressor, to prove that you are trustworthy.  This usually means going through some testing.  When you think about it, why would he think you would keep your word ... since you didn't.

If his Mom is right about him (and there's a degree to which no 'mother' really knows her son as a grown man), then with time he may come back around.  It will be tentative, as I said before.  

It is a serious thing between two people that you have what's called, in Emotional Intelligence (www.susandunn.cc) INTENTIONALITY -- in other words, the you   mean what you say and say what you mean.  You need to be thinking about this in the meantime. Why did you say you wouldn't, and then you did?

Trust ME, if he comes back, that question will come up.In a very real sense, love is trust.

All the best,
Susan Dunn
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