Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 11/19/2008

Question
 I hope you can help me. My problem is a bit complicated. I have been going out with this guy for almost 3 years now. We used to be like best friends. Everybody used to call us the 'perfect' couple. We were great together. The only problem was that my boyfriend just couldnt stand me talking to another guy friend of mine 'T' . He said that 'T' isnot a very faithful friend and to tell you the truth, i HAVE felt that way about 'T' more than a few times. Apparently 'T' liked me and he was trying to get me to leave my current boyfriend. But that didnt happen. I never confronted 'T' but i gradually tried to drop contact with him. Until the last two months when i last talked to 'T' there was no evident problem. My boyfriend found out that i talked to him in Sep which was two months ago and thats when everything sort of just fell apart.

My boyfriend didnot talk to me for a week or so and when i finally contacted him and asked what the problem was he told me and he was quite mad at me. I realized that i hurt him, although i never cheated on him, it was wrong of me to do something he doesnt approve of. We've had minor arguements over this topic before but everytime we do have such an arguement, i end up saying sorry n he says its okay n we're back to normal. But this time i kept apologizing but he just wudnt talk to me for the first few weeks after the arguement. He said he needed time out and that maybe i need some time out as well. But i made another mistake by not giving him his space. And that worsened the situation. Because i was so scared of losing him, i acted desperately by calling him repeatedly throughout the whole day.

I was just so scared and since everytime ive been in some problem, hes always been there for me and this time he wasnt. I just felt so alone. And i wanted so badly to talk to him and tell him that im deeply repentant of what i did.

My friends keep telling me to leave him but i just cant. I know ive hurt him and i want to fix this.

When we finally talked, he said hes willing to give me another chance. However, hes still a bit distant n cold sometimes. I know it will take him time to be the same. My friends say that im just wasting my time and that i should move on if hes not recovering. I dont think so, i have felt that our relatioship was so close to perfect. If he really wasnt interested in me, he says he would tell me. He also said one time that he'll tell me he loves me when he actually feels that way again because he thinks simply pretending and lying about loving me will only destroy the relationship we have left. I also talked to his Mom about this and she said that hes just a bit mad at me and that hes always been very sincere to me and that he'll be fine and that i should not worry.



I believe that i can get through this hard time. But i need some guidance as to how i should handle things.

I want to fix this.
And i believe i can.

Do you think this situation can be resolved?

The last time we met was on Valentines Day 2008 and we were madly attracted to each other at the time.

I want to meet him again

How should i approach him?

And how should i handle it if he doesnt want to meet me right now?

And also how do i handle things when his behaviour is cold and indifferent towards me?


I hope you will help me out
Thankyou

Aisha


Answer
Hello Aisha!

Sorry for the late answer - my internet connection is down! :(

First of all, I don't believe in "breaks". They are real things, but they aren't to be used to punish. Further, they have to be under the management of someone else. This isn't happening here.

I think that if you let this go on, you ARE wasting your time. Couples work through their problems. They don't just go run and hide.

What you need to do is to contact him and tell him that you and he either work this out or you're moving on. You're not going to continue to be punished.

Also, tell him to get the hell over all of this. You talked to a guy. Big fucking deal! What happens if your doctor or teacher or boss happens to be a guy. Is he going to fly off the handle again? You've apologized (right?) and that's that. Either you get together and move on, or you need to move on without him.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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