Expert: Lanay Stockstill - 12/5/2008

Question
QUESTION: Hi Lanay,

I am really confused by the actions and words of my boyfriend. I am 27, he's 31 and we got to know each other through a dating website. We live 90 thousand miles apart and at first we just communicate through emails, windows messenger, skype video calls, texting etc... He came to visit me (for 1 week) after 3 months of long distance communication and it was great. He was loving and close... hugging me, holding my hand, looking into my eyes, he was sensitive and loving and I can tell he loves me through his actions.

Then he went home, we continue to be in a long distance relationship for another 5 months and we decided to meet again. This time I went to him and he asked me to stay for 2 months at his place.

I went there, he was the same person that I know in the emails, phone calls, messenger... but after day one... he changed. I know I should not have done this and I should have waited. The first night, we had sex and from day 2 onwards he was a different person.

He no longer look at me the same, he doesn't want to be near me, he doesn't want to hold my hand when he brings me out, no hugs, nothing... I felt as if I was invisible to him. He came back home from work and say hi and then to the computer to check his facebook and then shower - tv - sleep. We don't talk much anymore... conversation dried up... it all just disappeared.

We talked and I wanna find out what happenned?? He said he felt pressurise... he doesn't know how to handle this relationship. He said he felt pressurise on this relationship. But I didn't give him any pressure... i dun talk about marriage or commitment... but he said he feel pressure by everyone in his life...like they're watching. And he said we should not act like married couple... but we have sex frequently! Isn't that more married than holding hands or kissing or cuddling???

After the talk he is still acting te same way... I felt so hurt and sad.. I came all the way to see the person I love but he disappeared... he doesn't want to be close to me except sex. I hate that. He did start to be closer to me at the near end of my stay there... but most of the time, he would be far. We don't cuddle, and I'm the one who initiate hugs, touching his hand... I can't even kiss him anymore... I felt terrible. He was cold towards me. I couldn't take it anymore so I told him we should stay as friends and shorten my trip and decided to come home after 52 days. I asked him if he wants me to stay but he kept saying it's up to me. When I told him that I am going home...he acted like it doesn't even make any difference if I am gone...

When I came home...he wrote me an email... this is what he says: (which is totally a different person from how he acted towards me...I do not know what to believe anymore and I feel so torn... should I believe in what he says or he's just using me to cope wif his loneliness? What do I do?? Just move on wif my life?)

<<Well for starters I dont even know where to start.  Well I guess I can fill you in from the time we parted at the airport.  I walked away after the hug and something hit me really hard and I ran back and you were gone.  I am so sorry I didnt give you a kiss goodbye... How sad, that about killed me and has been eating at me terribly.  There is a good chance I may never see you again and I never even got to kiss you goodbye.  Im soo sorry.  This whole process has been so difficult for me and Im sorry we both suffered because of it.  It feels like my feelings have bunched up into one big ball and I am starting to go into this depression.  I feel so alone and it kills me to know things didnt go the way we planned.
Please know I am going through one of the hardest times right now.  I am not quite to sure what to do or how to handle my feelings.  I pray you are not in as bad of shape as me.  Gosh.. I feel like I lost my best friend... I did!  I know I may not be the friend like you have with Bridget or the perfect man you always wanted in your life but I feel I am losing my grips on something so special I cant even comprehend. I thought I was all out of tears but I guess I am not. I am hurting so bad and I dont know what to do. I feel your the only true friend I have and our distance has just became a reality... It feels like for the first time too. *weeping*
There is so much i want to tell you about my feelings and my fears and my wants and my needs but at this second I am not to sure where to start. My heart is aching so bad right now.  This situation has become hard to swallow.  Now I feel like I had the chance and I blew it! I held so much back out of fear of not knowing. I honestly cant tell you Id be hurting less if I would of been the person you wanted or the person you met when I came to visit you.  I just dont know... The thought of waiting months or longer to see the person im in a relationship with feels not acceptable.  What Do We Do? I feel like im going crazy and all alone.  I hate it. I cant stop crying and I am in bad shape. Sorry I am not the strong figure that needs to be standing right now. You made the comment "It doesnt even seem like it matters if I stay or I go" You are soo wrong. I wanted you to stay but how could I tell you when I have to work every day for the next two weeks. It would of been selfish so I left things in your hands. I thought you were gonna stay and when you came in the kitchen and told me you were leaving it killed me. I went and sat in the shower and just balled my eyes out... What an unforgiving situation! .. I swear it is..
I Miss My Friend... My Best Friend!  What am I gonna do?    I am hurting so bad and miss you so much and I dont know what to do.
Ok Im gonna try to dry my eyes and communicate as a friend...
Ok now im crying again.  I am so depressed and I feel I cant afford the direction my feet are taking me to.  What do I do.. I know I have to pray and trust but I am so scared of so many things right now.  If the sight is left up to me to see how Im gonna make it... I cant see it and its tearing me apart. I see my situation equaling me being stuck here even longer.  What did I do to deserve this?    WHY?  I know you are probably going through a hard time as well but please value that you have your friends and your family by your side. I wish I had that! I wish for so much but my wishes are falling into nothing.
Please know I miss you and I am sorry I wasnt the person you wanted me to be. Thank you for all you have helped me with and the finances and the advice and support about my feet. I dont know what I woulda done without you. *crying & sad*
Please dont think Im heartless and I dont care cus I do... Im not sure I can see myself making it out of the hurt I feel right now.
Please keep your head up and know that you are a special woman and I pray this will not all be in vain.
Please let me know you made it home Ok. I'm sorry. This is all my fault.>>

What do I trust?? His actions...? Or his words?? I love him but I don't want to hurt that way anymore... what do i do? After replying his email... he didn't reply me back... and we haven't speak for 2 days.

Sorry this is so long...
This is my email reply to him:

<<There are so many things in my heart that I wish would have happened...
I wish to kiss u everyday...everyday...everytime u fall asleep I watch u and wish to be close...wish to kiss u but I can't. I don't want to feel and bare the hurt if u get angry or pull away. I sense u pulling away even when I take pillows away on the coach...jus wanting to cuddle...once... and watch a movie... wished the person who tells me everyday from afar that he loves me would tell me jus once that he loves me...face to face...

I cry so hard everytime when I wonder...where have my sensitive loving boyfriend who tells me that I'm special and beautiful gone to...why does he disappear when I am near...

Why do i feel that like it's just sex and for the heart...i get nothing... I felt really terrible tom... i jus wanted u to love me and show me... I wanted to show you so much more...I brought albums, cards that I wanted to write to you every friday and hide them...things that I wanted to do wif you... etc... but.

Many times I felt belittled for my choice and decisions... the things that I like to see at disney... that way that I am when I eat or shop... I know I'm a good person and I want someone to lift me up... I don't want to feel judged and feel the invisible pressure to change like I don't matter...  I don't want to change and lose myself again... I want to be me and I love who I am...

I wish I know where have our chemistry gone to....why are we so silent during meal times... why have we gone from talking everyday on msn, facebook, texting, emailing and skype so very often... to silent meals, journeys, hardly talking everyday but just tv and then sleep... where have our friendship, relationship and romance gone to... :( Many times i feel your anger and frustrations...but i dunno what to say or why is it there...

I wished for u to ask me to stay... even at the airport...I would... I did not want to come back at all... I wanted to spend thanksgiving day wif u... try the turkey u talked about... and hope that somehow...things would turn around... wished u told me how u really felt...that u wanted me to stay... that it does matter... u acted like it doesn't matter when I told you I was going home... I was so hurt... why didn't u tell me? I wished to hear truly from your heart the last night before I go... you said that u still love me everytime when we have our talk... but the very last night just made me feel that you don't feel the same as me...

I felt like you just wanted me to go... even at the airport... it was so brief and it might just be the last time... why... why do u only feel after i'm gone...?

I am hurting badly... I deserve to be loved..and I want to be loved not jus from afar...
The difference from afar and near is so great that it scares me... which is the real you? I believe action speaks louder than words... I wish i can be brave enough to be your girl even when I come back home... but what will happen to me when the next time we meet and the same thing happens? I don't want to hurt this way and let my heart down again...
I felt as if I was deceived... and rejected. If you were not sure about me... why did you ask me to come... :(
I looked for you everyday... the person who said we will read together at the porch... that by the end of the trip we would work something out... that during the trip we will talk easily and I have nothing to worry about... till now I wondered what does it mean when you say "what will I do to you when you are here..." I wish I knew...
I have been crying so hard and wishing that this was all a bad dream and the trip has not even started...

I also question myself if my coming was just so you wouldn't feel lonely...
I wondered if my acne problems have changed your feelings towards me...
I wondered why do you make me feel so bad in person but so good from afar... why...
Why can't I know your feelings and fears, your wants and your needs when we were close to each other...

I feel confused and terrible... I wish you would tell me and be how you are near as you are afar... right now, I feel that I can only trust to know who you are the next time we meet...if we ever get to have that chance to meet for a long period again...>>

What do I do Lanay? Can I trust him?


ANSWER: Hi Claire,

Talk about mixed signals!  I can see why you are upset.  It sounds like he does not know his own mind.  The distance does not help.  He may feel pressure because he is not sure of what he wants, and his not being sure could make him feel guilty because you are so certain.  In other words, he brings the pressure upon himself, and there is nothing you can do about that.  He has to work through his own doubts.  

Also, beware that a mate cannot be your everything.  You have to be that for yourself first.  If a man thinks he has to fill that role, it will scare him off pretty quickly.  A man wants to be appreciate and contribute to the relationship, but he doesn't want to be the person you are dependent on.  

Now, as for this man and whether to continue contact or not.  Continue contact if you want, but be in a position where you are not afraid to  walk away.  If it works out, Great, but if not, make sure you have not sealed off all your options.  If he feels like you can take it or leave it, he won't feel as much pressure, and if you do achieve that mindset, you won't be hurt as badly if he freaks out again.  

Remember, work on yourself and do not doubt who you are.  Let him make the effort since he's the one freaking out.

I hope this helps you,

Lanay

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Lanay,

Thank you for your advice, I find them really helpful. Right now I really need them again. I am really stressed out. The guy I mention above, I just dunno what to do.

He is back to the person that I know from afar... and I feel that I can't put myself to trust him. My defenses are up so high that I feel so stressed up. It's like I dun wanna lose him as a friend but at the same time I dun want to give the wrong signals cos right now, I just cant trust him enough to fall in love wif him and I don't want fall in love wif the person that he is now...

I feel that I need distance away from him but at the same time, he needs a friend and I can't bring myself to leave him completely alone.

When we met online he came out of a r/s for 7 months. He distance himself from his ex and all his friends. One - cos his ex slept wif one of them and two, he got a wake up call and decided to turn his life around and not do drugs anymore. They are all bad influences. So he isolate himself and it was always work - home. He is trying to connect to a church and he is still searching.

So I would feel terrible if I leave him as a friend but at the same time, I feel that I can't trust him wif my heart. I feel frustrated wif myself and him when/after we talk.

I would recall incidences that happened during my trip to him and that just make me mad and I dunno what to believe anymore. Is he needing me now cos he is just plain selfish? Many times I find him doing things for the benefit of him. And I do not want that person to be my partner.

He went and saw a therapist cos he was frustrated that I accused him of being different. He was mad that I didnt give him a benefit of a doubt for his coldness towards me. His therapist said it is normal that the incident occur cos he is stressed out and dunno what to do when I was there and there for a long period of time. I was staying in his house.

The whole time he didnt want to hold my hand, kiss me or be close. He didnt talk to me much (unlike now) and a lot of times it's always about him. When he brings me out to shop, after he is done wif his shopping, he would hurry me to the point that he went and queue up at the counter and by the time he reached the counter, I have to be done ! I hate that so much ! It was so stressful and even now I feel mad.

When we went to disneyland he loves rides and I had to follow. When I wanted to watch shows that I like, he is not interested and didn't want to go wif me so I rather enjoy the show myself than having someone figet beside me. So it was very much he did his thing and I did mine alone. I felt like I wasn't important, like a nobody. I felt like what I like (shows) are childish to him and he just made me feel terrible. I love who I am and I feel like he just didn't accept me.

When we were on the plane I saw this air stewardess flirted wif him, twirling her hair and smiling at her. He kept looking at her and he smile. I somehow saw it at the corner of my eye and pretended not to see. Even during the ride, he kept looking her way. And when we are to get off the plane he asked me to off first and he is right behind. I ignored and hope that he wasn't trying to make eyes wif the air stewardess. How do I trust someone like that?

Are these caused by his stress too that he is temporarily turn off to me? Should I give credits to his therapist?

And now? Everything seem well again. But we are friends. He told me ytd he went to this lake for me just to take pictures of sunset for me. I felt like he is trying to get back again but I am still mad and upset. I still feel that I can't trust him.

I know I am a great person and I deserve so much better. I want to focus on my work but I find this is just stressing me out too much. We are friends for now... I just dunno how to put it that I am mad... I dunno how to leave him alone since he still need friends. He is still searching for a church and a way to move out of the town where he leaves. I told him before that unless he move out from there and we can meet again and see how things work between us, it would be impossible. But now... I dunno if I want him. I dun wanna feel betrayed and terrible of who I am and what I like again... though he seem to be a different person now. From afar. I dunno what to trust anymore.

What should I do? Do I tell him what is going on and what I am thinking? *Frustrated & stressed out*

Answer
Claire,

First, I want you to remember and say this:

"It is not my job to fix anyone."

People have to find answers on their own.  He is working on himself, and that's great.  You can be supportive from a distance, but don't be a crutch for him.  He won't respect you, and he may even start resenting you because he can't be better than what .

If you need to make a break, do it.  You are not getting anything out of the relationship.  If anything, you sound drained.  A good question to ask yourself in this situation or really with anyone you meet is, "Does this person help me to be the best version of myself?"  If the answer is no, you have to question the relationship.   If someone isn't adding to you they are taking away from you, and in this case, you are the only doing the giving.

You can still be available on occasion, but he can't be his mainstay.  If he doesn't have many friends, he has to go and make new ones.  Why would he do that if he's relying solely on you.

Good luck,

Lanay
www.datingmadeeasyforwomen.com