Expert: Lanay Stockstill - 11/14/2008

Question
hi. i'm 15/female. i don't really know how to talk to guys, - like, i've never had a guy friend before but i've had two boyfriends. i am totally girlfriend type and its hard to go into 'friend' mode when i'm with guys because i only see them as bfs. i hate to admit it but i'm pretty desperate - for a boyfriend/close guy friend, and i have no idea how to get one, so i was hoping you would help me out and give me some tips. another thing is that i'm veryyyyyyyy open - honestly, i could meet a person on the street and after saying hi i am more than ready to tell them my wholeee life story and then ask them theirs. - i do that often - what i mean is that i give wayyyy too muchh info and ask a lot too. unfortunately it scares a tonnnnn of guys away and i've lost chances i can't get back. =( i want to change that, but i don't know how and i want to know how to attract a guy without scaring him off. I never know what to talk about or say, because i have nooo idea on how to get to know a guy, because my method seems ineffective.

Please help me out! i really need it and would appreciate it soooo muchh! thank you in advance! =)

Answer
First of all, you are way ahead of many others by questioning your approach.  Most people never think about changing their method.  

Ok, try remembering that men like the chase.  Think of it in terms of animals, say birds. Male birds are adorned with big plumes and colors. They use their attributes to attract female birds by posturing and performing. Other animals sing, dance and/or preen to get the attention of the female. These displays are done to attract the female to choose one male above others. The key point being that the female is doing the choosing, not the other way around.

Think about it.  I know a woman that once she sets her sites on a man, she basically throws herself at him. She will wear the low cut shirts and flaunt her sex in order to turn his head. She is a sure thing. Of course, this works briefly and on an animalistic scale, but it rarely keeps a guy around for more than a wham, bam, and thank you maam.

The reason why is that men like the chase and they want to feel special. Makes sense, right? Well, put a guy in the same position with a woman. He goes out seeking a woman that is a bit of a challenge, a woman with choices. If he can attract her attention, she might choose him. He wants a woman that will select him above others. It signifies to him that he is special.

On the other hand, if a man meets a woman that instantly gives the message that she’ll follow him anywhere, he’s likely to begin thinking she does not have many options. After all, she’s going after the first guy that spoke to her. This isn’t likely to make him feel special. He thinks she must be desperate. Now, even though a man thinks this, he may still take you home, but you won’t be asked out on a date night.

Remember this the next time you meet an interesting guy.  If you open up with your life story, you are giving up too much information too soon.  Don't force it.  Let a guy earn that information by asking questions.  You'll come off more mysterious, and he'll feel like he has to work for you to choose him.

Take a little care and look at it from the man’s perspective. It is in his nature to chase and posture for your attention. Let him work for it.

Also, remember that relationships move slow. Developing intimacy is about give and take.  For some people, they need to establish trust before giving out a lot of personal information.  Work on establishing that trust before pushing them for information.

I hope this helps,

Lanay

www.datingmadeeasyforwomen.com