Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 11/15/2008

Question
QUESTION: I met a guy on the job two months ago that interested me. He is very attractive, well spoken and down to earth. This is the guy that I want to go on a date with!!!! I only see him when he comes to my area after work hours because he knows I usually stay late. We have small talk and then he leaves. One day I decided to call his work station and tell him that I wanted to hang out with him. He seemed responsive over the phone. I have texted him a few times and the text sessions show that he is trying to get to know me, also a little flirting. He never texts me first, he takes 20 minutes to 3 hours between texts!!! He is going overseas in January and I am wondering if he will ever ask me out on a date. I really want to get to know him because he seems like a great guy! Twice in person I told him that we should hang out. He seemed responsive...but didn't set a date or time. Should I continue to drop him a text every so often or wait for him show me his interest???

ANSWER: Hello Rina!

GOOD ON YOU, Rina!! I'm very proud of you for taking that step to call him.

Now, on to the mistakes you've made here:

"Hanging out". That is a ridiculously-dumb thing to ask someone! I'm starting to see this all the time now. It's so safe as to be a non-event! Guys do this far more than girls, but girls aren't immune to it. Is that really what you want? Just to casually "hang out", go buy your own coffee and then go do your own things as though you're just some casual acquaintance?

Come on here Rina! Stop with this "hanging out" crap. If you want to date this guy, then fucking DATE him. DO NOT try to be so damn casual as to "hang out". That's just dumb and sends NOTHING but the WRONG signals!!!

You called him. That makes it YOUR game - NOT HIS. I know that you think by dropping the hint that he should understand you're asking him to ask you out on a date, but guys don't pick up that indirect reference. Most of us aren't subtle creatures! He never got that message from you, trust me. What he heard was "We should get together informally on some casual, nondescript, non-specific time and place and I'll let you know when that is."

Guess what? You've never let him know!

What you SHOULD have done was this:

You SHOULD have said, "OK, let's go out together for a drink this weekend. Which night is better for you - Friday or Saturday?" That would have been clear and specific. Then, you don't agree to confirm later on in the week or anything like that. You are clear and specific - that's the only way to deal with any form of dating issue.

Regarding the texting, many, many people hate it, and it's the WORST way to form any sort of connection there is. Texts get misconstrued all the time and frankly, they're just a pain in the ass. He doesn't respond because they're irritating. That makes YOU irritating! Don't EVER use texting for dating purposes! In fact, don't ever use texting for ANYTHING that has any importance!

So, there you have it. You can wait around forever (just as he's doing) or you can move this forward like you should. Your choice.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Dr. Neder,
Thanks for the tips! After I wrote my first question I decided to text him and ask him if he wants to hang out this weekend. He texted back "that sounds cool, do I have anything in mind?" I didn't officially have anything planned because I wasn't sure if he would be willing to hang out. So....I got nervous and texted"you can decide". Ummm....was that a good idea to let him choose what we do if I am the one that initiated the date???
While I am waiting for him to respond from last night's text I was thinking we could go bowling and out to dinner. Is this a good first date???
I don't want a boyfriend, just someone to hang out with for now. However the date goes I am proud of myself for showing initiative and taking a risk to make the first move!
One more thing...when I initially told him that I wanted to hang out he asked me if I check my email. Is that a new thing for guys to ask for emails versus numbers???

ANSWER: Hello again Rina!

Wow, where do I begin with you? If there's a mistake to be made, you're making it! If you and he ever wind up actually "hanging out" you'll have shocked the hell out of me!

You're pulling your own leg thinking you don't want a boyfriend right now. What do you expect, just to be his buddy? Then, you're going to start hearing all about the other great (and frankly, smarter) girls that he's meeting and wants to bang. You're going to start being his little sister - and nothing more.

I've already told you about the texting and hanging out things. Continue to use them if you enjoy being single.

Here's what's going to happen: he's NOT going to suggest anything to do. This is YOUR game and thus, YOUR job to set this up. Now, instead of having done it right once, you're having to go back to the trough over and over again, sending him all the wrong messages. If you ever do get together, he's going to be expecting that your level of interest is so high (because of how many times you continue to contact him) that he's going to expect sex right away. If you don't give it to him, he's going to be pissed that you led him on. Further, if you DON'T contact him, you're going to look like a game player!

You only have weak moves left. I suggest you call him - STOP TEXTING HIM! and suggest you and he go bowling. Then, be CLEAR on when and where. Don't put yourself back into a situation where you have to call him or (yikes!) text him again with more details or plans!

That email thing is what a particular dating author recommends guys do, but he's misusing it and frankly it never works anyway. Don't pay any attention to it.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Wow! You were right on the money! He texted me back stating that he wants to take a raincheck for a Thursday evening. So basically since I didn't express an exact plan he didn't take hanging out with me as a priority. I have not acknowledged his text. What exactly should I say??? I'm going to feel awkward when I see him at work because the first thing that will come to mind is "you rejected me over the weekend". I disagree that he will expect sex from me....a guy like him probably has ten different women he could call! From now on, I will follow your advice because I don't want to make silly mistakes anymore that may give him the wrong signals!

Answer
Hello again Rina!

You keep writing to me and then doing whatever you want so I hope you've responded to his text. If you haven't yet, that's just plain rude.

This board doesn't work that way and you can't anticipate when I'm going to respond. I can't direct you through these messages because time means something.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"