Expert: Rhapsody Love - 11/27/2008

Question
Hello, my name is Daniella and i'm in my last year of high school. I've never had an actual boyfriend and i've been on my same private school since i started junior high.I've liked a bunch of guys which I always end up getting hurt because of normal guy things. I liked this guy, who was my best friend, but it didn't work out for us after being 7 months together almost every-day..(we never actually kissed or anything).

On my first day of school this year, I met this awesome group of people who I was eager to talk to.I used to be the fun-to-be-around girl of my school until I started hanging out with them since they're not considered to be "cool". I really didn't care especially because of this AMAZING guy at the group who made me forget about my crush. Hes one year younger than me;He's really charming and I like him for who he is. We're really good friends, but there this problem...almost every girl at school likes him. We started liking each other and everything. He made it clear to everyone that we were starting to be "together" but typically, none of the girls seem to understand that.
He has two best friends that also like me, and one girl who likes him. He tried to make me jealous with this girl by hugging her and those things which actually worked. I told him off and I demanded an explanation of why he was doing that..he told me and I quote:
"I really didn't know what I was feeling toward you because I've never had an actual girlfriend before, but I've been thinking about it and I really like you too..."

So I asked if he liked the other girl and he told me:
"I really don't like her, and sometimes I feel like i'm using her to get over my confusions.."

We started holding hands,hugging and admitting to people that we were starting to be together since we built enough trust to confess each other our love.I felt bad for the girl and tried to be her friend so Id give her the true advice..from the bottom of my heart(to move on and let her know I was there for her) but all of a sudden, when she felt threatened and saw what was happening between my crush and me, she started to give him guilt about the stuff he did and now, he's ALWAYS leaving me behind to make it up to her... I cant believe i'm feeling this but...I'm actually kind of jealous now.. People at my group have turned on me and now they're telling me that she liked him before I did and give me the WRONG advice... What should I do with him? Leave him and the group, so she could get him or keep on "fighting" for him and look like a jerk?

Answer
Daniella,

Sorry I lost your message during the holidays, but I've found it now.

It's not easy to find the perfect mate on the first try and people often have to try many times before they find that special someone, so you're not alone in that.

I think you need to have a good talk with him - in a nice way. Getting angry with him might just make him want to avoid you. Remind him what he told you and tell him that when you see him with that other girl that you think he's not being true to you.

You need to be sure about yourself and what a relationship means, because he's not sure. You need to paint a picture for him of the good things that can come from a meaningful, monogamous relationship. This might include talking about sex and even having sex, so you need to be ready to deal with that possibility.

You also need to tolerate him with other girls as friends and not be suspicious that he's doing anything besides being a friend. You need to have a clear picture of how friendship looks in comparison to your relationship with him. You may need to discuss with him what would be inappropriate for him to do with a girl with whom he's just friends. Buys often try to get away with whatever they can and monogamy is not always their goal.

If you're clear in your mind why you two would make the perfect couple, how a monogamous relationship would benefit both of you, then you can more easily explain it to him. But old habits are hard to break so you might need to remind him more than once.

I hope this helps. Good luck!

- Joyce