Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 11/18/2008

Question
QUESTION: Last year I've met a guy in college who I did not particularly like at first but I've noticed he was interested in me(he is a few years younger than me). Every time we were in the same room, he would be looking at me intensely. One time he asked me if I was single and I said that I am not(I am married). My husband is much older than me and we don't have a great relationship. I feel lonely a lot. So one day I started talking to that guy and I started liking him. He gave me his phone number and I called him that evening. We communicated back and forth for a short period of time. I've been initiating phone calls because I thought he would be uncomfortable calling me. After a while he started pulling back because I wanted to see him more often(I barely saw him during the week). I realize I can be intense at times especially when I want something. I know he is not ready for anything serious right now. He had a bad break-up a few years ago and he still talks about her. He was very serious about her but she left him. I've known him for about a year now and it's not getting anywhere. He is so sure I will call him that he is not making any effort. In the past when that happened, he called me once and I didn't call him back, he realized he was a jerk. I forgave him too easily and went on like nothing happened. Now he is too sure of himself and not contacting me at all. Sometimes he goes along when I call him. He has been very selfish, he wants me to do things for him and I get nothing in return. He knows that I like him and he is using it to his advantage. I agreed on keeping it casual but now I feel it was a mistake. He lost interest. I guess guys like the chase but I am afraid to lose him. It's ironic but I don't really have him. He is not ready for anything serious but I cannot stop thinking about him. I don't know what to do. I know it's wrong for me to want someone else when I am married but I can't help myself. I feel as there is no future for me and my husband and we talk about it a lot with him. I feel I got married too young(at 20 y.o.) to the wrong person and I am just starting to realize it. I would like to find somebody else but it's very complicated and honestly, I don't even know where to look. I am back in college and a lot of people there are younger than me. I don't feel attracted to anybody but that guy. But I feel now that it's not mutual between us. I want him to want me but I don't know if it's possible. Did I turn him off by trying to be too easy? (in reality I am not easy). Or is it too complicated for him? Or maybe he doesn't like me in that way? I've been trying to analyze it and I stopped all the contact with him. Please help me understand the male psychology. Thank you.

ANSWER: Most men won't mess with a married woman, for obvious reasons.  


You need to get clear on what you want.  Work on your marriage because it's important and you are married.  In doing that, you will be able to decide if you want to stay married to this man or move on.  Most women in this position would love to be "rescued" - have a man fall in love with them and carry them out of the situation, but it usually doesn't work that way.

Also it doesn't work to pursue a man.  Even if you 'catch' him momentarily, you won't trust the situation, and you will also have set something up where the guy thinks he can behave however he wants, because he was resistant and the woman pushed.  

Sounds like neither of you is really "ready" for a new relationship, and this isn't the way to go about it either.

You've got some hard work to do on your marriage.  Find someone you can talk to about it - coaching, therapist, etc.  Then if you must, make a clean break of it.  Then you can be available to other men.

All the best,
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: First of all, thank you very much for getting back with me,second of all, my husband and I went to a therapist together a couple of times already. He seems to be reluctant to do what the therapist suggested. He is set in his ways and doesn't want to change. The biggest issue we have is about the junk that he collects. He thinks he is recycling but in reality all of it stays in the house. We have piles of newspapers, magazines, little scraps of paper he gathers everywhere. I feel very embarrassed about it but he says I shouldn't be because it's normal. But it's not normal. He watches me like a hawk every time I try to clean or put something in the trashcan. A lot of times I catch him going through it. He says he does it to make sure I didn't throw away something important. There is nothing really positive going on in our marriage. When he is at home, he is at his computer most of the time. We have a daughter that he barely spends time with, and when he does he is very controlling and bossy with her. She does what he says because she is afraid of him. I've been doing everything I can to improve our marriage but it takes two. I would like to have more children in the future but just not with him. While there are some positive traits he has, most of the time together is spent arguing. I would really love to have someone better in my life but I am afraid of finding someone who is doing weird things, too. I am not sure how I would support myself and my daughter because I am a student and I am sure he will not be OK with divorce(he doesn't believe in it for religious reasons) and he threatened to take our daughter away if I leave him. I feel like I am stuck. No matter what I do is going to be wrong. Do you have any advice for me? Thank you

Answer
I WILL ANSWER IN CAPS, BECAUSE THAT'S MY ONLY ALTERNATIVE.

First of all, thank you very much for getting back with me, YOU ARE WELCOME

second of all, my husband and I went to a therapist together a couple of times already. He seems to be reluctant to do what the therapist suggested. He is set in his ways and doesn't want to change. THIS IS NOT A GOOD SIGN

The biggest issue we have is about the junk that he collects. He thinks he is recycling but in reality all of it stays in the house. We have piles of newspapers, magazines, little scraps of paper he gathers everywhere. I feel very embarrassed about it but he says I shouldn't be because it's normal. But it's not normal. He watches me like a hawk every time I try to clean or put something in the trashcan. A lot of times I catch him going through it. He says he does it to make sure I didn't throw away something important. THAT SOUNDS PLAIN OUT WEIRD.  AND IT CERTAINLY WOULD BE ANNOYING.

There is nothing really positive going on in our marriage. IT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE IT.  YOU DON'T MENTION ANYTHING POSITIVE HERE.

When he is at home, he is at his computer most of the time. We have a daughter that he barely spends time with, and when he does he is very controlling and bossy with her. I THINK HE IS THAT WAY WITH YOU, AS WELL, DON'T YOU?  PROBABLY WITH EVERYONE?

She does what he says because she is afraid of him. I've been doing everything I can to improve our marriage but it takes two. I would like to have more children in the future but just not with him. While there are some positive traits he has, most of the time together is spent arguing. I would really love to have someone better in my life but I am afraid of finding someone who is doing weird things, too. I am not sure how I would support myself and my daughter because I am a student and I am sure he will not be OK with divorce(he doesn't believe in it for religious reasons) and he threatened to take our daughter away if I leave him. I feel like I am stuck. No matter what I do is going to be wrong. Do you have any advice for me?

I THINK YOU SHOULD GO BACK AND WORK WITH THAT COUNSELOR ALONE, SINCE YOUR HUSBAND WILL NOT GO.  THERE ARE SOME REAL ISSUES HERE TO WORK OUT.  IF YOU DECIDE TO LEAVE HIM, IT WOULD BE GOOD FOR YOU TO SEE A LAWYER TO KNOW YOUR LEGAL RIGHTS, AND TO SEE WHAT THE SETTLEMENT MIGHT LOOK LIKE.  ALSO TO GET TIPS FROM BOTH COUNSELOR AND LAWYER ON HOW TO HANDLE HIS THREATS ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER.  

THERE ARE SOME SERIOUS THINGS TO NEED TO TAKE A LOOK AT HERE THAT GO WAY BEYOND A MAN WHO CAUGHT YOUR EYE.   

SUSAN DUNN
www.susandunn.cc
DATING COACH BLOG:  http://datingcoachblog.blogspot.com