Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 12/11/2008

Question
QUESTION: I m attempting something makes me anticipate
excitement but something I am awfully anxious and
worried about. Two weeks from now, I'll be dining with
a new guy friend, pretty old guy in his late 20s. I know
other guys of his age but he somehow appears "extra-
older" and I feel little, which I am anyway, but the
"small fry" feeling that I get, is something i am dying to
get over. Though I've met him at work many times, it
didn't matter at a competetive platform and work
environment. Now he's coming down to my place and I
had invited him out for dinner. I would be awfully
embarrassed if he told me to be a little girl and made
it like his treat. Even at work, he used to talk to me
like I am just a new born and would check my work
zillion times as if I were incompetent. He did recognize
my achievements but he still acted like I am a kid.

I have no clue what to talk either. I realize my interests
are not his type and he doesn't seem to talk about his
interests. I am unsure what I want out of this perhaps
just want him to think I m a nice, smart, pretty girl?  
But he just seems to be talking to me for no apparent
reason or intention. Maybe just 'cause he's going to be
here and he gets someone to meet? I am just
interested to meet someone after a long time. Since
we happen to have some common links at work and
society, I am anxious about what he may think about
me.

Maybe I appear to him to be showing a lot of interest?
Or atleast, freely available. Doesn't that sort of put you
down and make you less precious? I just want to
appear friendly and buddy like to a potential buddy or
perhaps a good business contact. How to I conduct
myself to ensure he gets it that way?

ANSWER: Hello!

Late 20's is "pretty old"??? How DARE YOU!!!   ;)

My mother was also small - about 4' 10" but nobody would EVER consider her a "small fry". What she lacked in height, she made up for in personality! She used to say: "It's not your height but your stature, baby" and trust me, she was right!

Forget about your size, it's a non-issue. Your "presence" and stature are far more important.

Regarding him paying, you may have to accept it and let him unless he simply doesn't make an issue of it. Here's the reality: early on in the dating process, the guy pays. It's not fair, but that's the way it is. If he lets you without argument, fine, but if he doesn't and wants to make a fuss about it - let him. Then, it gives you a reason to invite him over for a home-cooked meal where you to can be alone.

Ka-Ching!!!

As to what to talk about; it's really not that difficult. You want to find out about his background, his goals, his dreams while sharing yours at the same time. Here's a simple rule about conversation:

Everyone is interested in at least one thing we all have in common: ourselves.

The more you talk about his favorite subject, the more engaging you're going to seem. See how easy that is? You can ask him absolutely anything, but work on open-ended questions. For more on these go to my website (http://beingaman.com), click on "self help" and read my FAQ's. They'll tell you what you need to know.

SO WHAT if you're showing interest? Geez! I wish women would get over this ridiculous fear. You don't want to come off as desperate and would rather having him moving on, thinking you weren't interest in him than to show you are. Don't be that girl!

No, it doesn't take away your value. In fact, it actually RAISES your value because you come off as confident and directed - just like you did when you asked him out! (How cool of you, by the way!)

Now, unless you are trying to keep things cold and business like you absolutely DO NOT want to come off like a "buddy". You're not his buddy and you're never going to be that person - I hope! You're going to be something much more, right? So start that now instead.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi. Thanks!! Was the best advice I've ever got. Feels
like I got some personal attention! By the way, the
"small fry" feeling doesn't come out of stature, ( I am
5'7''!! ). I meant, I m a neophyte whereas, he's well
settled in his career. An ex-superior at work, where I
was merely a student trainee. So, that way. Thanks a
lot. I hope things go well. I am a frank girl, especially
since this is the virtual world, I would have told you, if i
am interested in him as a prospective "boyfriend", but
I just want him to like me. Who wouldn't want a big guy
as a buddy? Which girl wouldn't like to get guys hitting
on her? Hehe. That way.

ANSWER: Hello again!

Yes you did get personal attention. Feels all warm and fuzzy, huh??

Sorry, I didn't get that about your size, but I understand now that it is about your relative power and position.

I think you're going to be in for some trouble here however. If you approach him in this way, he's not going to see you as a buddy but as a potential girlfriend/date/relationship. He's very likely to believe this is what you want as well and when things get moving if you push him away, he's not going to be happy about it.

Here's some more unfortunate reality: women don't make good "buddies" for us guys. That why we have our male buddies. The fact is, sex usually gets in the way - unless he's absolutely not sexually attracted to you.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hey, I thought I'd get back to you about how it went.

Had a BEAUTIFUL day.

Well, normally I would have eaten tons loads more at
a buffet,especially when it was so expensive at a four
star hotel but my fever had brought down my appetite
and I wanted to be better company than gorge . I
chose that place coz I thought he's a foodie, and
buffets are better coz u know ur budget and this place
is supposed to be very good. I’ve never grown to be a
girl who’d think how I could have fun when I go out but
I m more conscious of how I could make it better for
my guest. He just had it- chivalry, casual and took it
through. (Maybe he's been out with zillions of women
and has some experience. lol) and for the first time in
my life realized and loved the way a guy could make a
girl feel!!  I just sat realizing how much I like it but it's
going to be just this one time (coz we live miles apart).

I did have some drab to talk and my usual sense of
humor failed! In the end, he said " I m just thinking
how we meet people and realize we' may never meet
them again"
and messaged me an hour after we left saying "nice
meeting u". I don't know if I should respond to it. I
haven't as of now. I don't want to sound overly eager.
But does it seem to you that he would have liked it??
???

Listening to all that what he spoke about his life, I
realized I had a long way to go in life. It was strangely
inspiring after a break of "idling away" post my exams.
Maybe I m too young and haven't met many or
.......Whatever, I had a great day. I have been thinking
about it and had been saving up for it quite sometime
but it was worth it. I did manage to insist that it's my
treat, maybe he thought I am a rich spoiled school girl.  
I hate letting a guy pay for me. It makes me feel
indebted.So glad about that. Well, I am a school girl,
but I worked out the budget and had saved up for it.
Because all that matters is whether he enjoyed it. I
really  hope he did.

Answer
Hey!

You're sure quick to let your own judgments of this guy become your reality! Why would you ever worry about whether he thinks you're some "spoiled rich girl"? Do you honestly believe that he judges you this way? Come on here. Let's not project our own issues on anyone else. Let's keep them just for ourselves, ok?

It sounds like he had a great time. Most important, you've moved from acquaintances into something more. What that is will remain to be seen. Either way, mission accomplished!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"