Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 12/12/2008

Question
I met a very nice man online several weeks ago. Since that time, we’ve had some wonderful conversations (via instant messenger and email) and find that we challenge each other in many ways and have a lot in common. He doesn’t reveal very much about himself and is guarded most of the time. This man has told me that he is very successful and has to be careful because of that. He has also explained that he likes to take his time in getting to know a person, which sounds okay to me. I don’t know his last name, the type of work he does or anything that would reveal who he is…

He sounds like a fabulous man from everything I’ve learned about him and I’d like to know more. I can’t help sometimes wondering if he could be some lunatic and is making up everything he has told me (it would be a stretch, but possible). There is a possibility that he is not seriously seeking a relationship or that he is not single. I am a positive person and believe the best about people, so I need a little help…

My question is this: how long is too long? I mean, at what point should he be ready to unveil himself and ask for my phone number? Surely he must know that we can’t continue in an online relationship forever. Is it me? Am I being too impatient? I want to be fair and I’m okay with the way that things are going now, as long as I know there should be some reasonable expectation that things will graduate to more interactive forms of communication such as phone, person-to-person, etc. Please give me some advice. Thanks.

Liza

Answer
Good for you for anticipating those advancing interactive forms of communication. Besides the fact that he wants to stay anonymous, there are some men who are only after online writing relationships.

This is not too soon.  In the best-case scenario, this sort of slow pace is promising.  Just make sure it proceeds to a phone call.  AND THAT HE DOES IT.  Do NOT do any aggressing in this situation - or ever.  He has to do all the work.

It's hard to really know a man without knowing the work that he does.  It's too much a part of a man.  

If you want some coaching, you can send me some of the emails and I can give you a better impression.  If it's all still IM, just forget about it.  Some people use IM like an addiction and bounce all over the place.

So - bottom line.  

(1)  Who knows?  You do not have enough information about this man so hold on to your fantasies.  I'm not alarmist, but he could be writing from prison, or Nigeria, who knows. Hold on  to your fantasies until you get necessary concrete information.

2.  Do not do the work for him (or any man).  If he doesn't progress to a phone call (which he makes) within a reasonable amount of time - say another couple of weeks, I'd let it go.  But I bet within a week or two you'll get some sign about what's going on.  

2.  It's up to the woman to control the pace of the relationship.  Back off on the emails (and for heaven's sake the IMs) and see what happens.  Sometimes you have to give them a little reminder of what it's like without you being readily available ...

3.  Don't ever be too available!

4.  From my experience, most "famous" people will offer to send you their photo by email if they are interested in you.  It's funny he hasn't.  One of my clients is dating a prominent athlete.  He did it that way.  

If you want coaching, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc ..  Even one session can help tremendously about what works and what doesn't, and what you need to change.

All the best,
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc
THE DATING BLOG:  http://datingcoachblog.blogspot.com