Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 12/21/2008

Question
I am a 30-year-old single mother of 2 amazing children. I have a college degree, a good, stable job and own my own home. My divorce was 3 years ago. I want to move on with my life. I have had a lot of difficulty in meeting men in general. My friends say I am a great catch. I'm attractive, interesting to talk to and a great mother. I like to get out and have fun. I don't like the idea of meeting people in a bar scene or onlline. I've been set up by friends, nothing has worked out. I understand that I'm not going to hit it off with every single man I go out with. But more often than not, these guys just stop calling out of nowhere, after what I would consider a great date. Why do men do that? What am i doing wrong? What are good ways to meet decent men my age?

Answer
Hello Phoebe!

You have a couple of things working against you here.

Unfortunately, the first is your kids. The reality is that many men simply don't want to date women with kids; they aren't looking for a "ready-made" family. They realize that your kids are always going to come first and at some point, the kids and you become a package. There are many other implications of this I won't get into here.

You're going to have to accept this situation from many of the men you meet as you're not going to change it.

I agree that you're wasting your time if you try to meet the man of your dreams in a bar or club and likewise, on the internet. These are the 3 worst places there are to meet men.

I suspect you're making any number (or all!) of these classic female mistakes:

1) You start playing hard-to-get. (dumb, dumb, DUMB idea!)
2) You don't pick up the phone when you think it's him calling.
3) You don't return phone calls or don't do so in a timely manner (within 24 hours - ALWAYS!)
4) You return calls with a text or email.
5) You act disinterested trying to get him on the chase.
6) You don't actively work to build something with him - you leave everything up to him.
7) You don't initiate phone calls or send him a text or email just "checking in".
...etc., etc., etc...

Again, I know the kids present a logistical issue here, but have you ever called up one of these guys you've dated (usually after 2 or 3 dates) to invite HIM to dinner or over for a home-cooked meal WITHOUT the kids around? You have as much responsibility here to move things forward as he does!

Any of these things are relationship killers - and most women are guilty of most of them!

Let's talk about the other side of the coin; how and where do you meet guys?

First of all, you need to expand your "sphere of influence". Your friends and family are part of this as they offer one source to meet new guys. Pretty soon however, you run out of choices here - especially if you're playing the dumb "girl-games" I mentioned before. Likewise, these people will stop referring to you if they believe your either too picky or simply not reasonable. Either way, this is a limited resource.

You need to get yourself out there and be available to guys in order to meet them. There are tons and tons of options here however!

Certainly parties are one place to meet guys and there are all sorts of them going on right now. You want to take advantage of every one of these you can - especially if they're outside your current "sphere".

Other places include classes where you might meet guys, community events, organized events, etc. Two great sources of new, fun things to do (if you live in a large city) are MyPeopleConnection.com and meetup.com. Both are activity-based social networking websites where you can find all sorts of fun things to do with new people. You should find some things there that interest you (and make sure they're male-oriented things! Don't go to a Jane Austin movie festival for instance!) and you'll discover a huge, new pool of incredible guys. There are many other social networking/real life event sites available too.

Just being out-and-about makes a huge difference too. If you work hard to make eye contact with people around you, and to send off "I'm not going to bite your nuts off" signals, guys may start to approach you.

As well, you should definitely learn how to approach guys you may be interested in. This is an important skill that women have neglected! In fact, you have all sorts of tools to approach men that even us guys don't have! If you want to learn more about this, you can check out my new e-book, "How Women Can Approach Men" at my website (http://BeingAMan.com).

In short, your limitations don't have to be limitations if you work a little harder. Take advantage of these options available to you and you'll change your situation dramatically. There ARE guys out there that are perfect for you. You just have to get out there to meet them.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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