Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 12/10/2008

Question
everyone i know, even those that's way younger than me, had at least 1 or 2 relationships before.
but i never had one! guys i liked never asked me out before. why?
how do i get a boyfriend???

and i can't stop thinking about this guy i use to talk to(stage before going out). i was practically living with him for a week! i skipped work for him, and he skipped work for me, that was our deal for if i sleep over. i didn't stay because i liked him.. at least i don't think i did. because i don't feel an attraction towards him at all.
we ended about exactly a month ago. so why can't i stop thinking about him?
i can't really say it's because i like him or miss him because i know how it feels to like someone and to miss someone and wish they were here again, but that's not how i feel. i keep playing back what happened before and think about what i could of done to have saved our relationship...
i hate endings. i've had these about-to-be-relationships all my life and none worked out to last long enough for them to ask me to be their girlfriend. what's wrong with me??

my questions are: how do i get a boyfriend and why can't i stop thinking about him?

Answer
Dear Lucy,

I'm sorry you haven't been able to have a good relationship yet.   I wonder if you have considered  ... this is how your email arrived in my inbox:

my questions are:  how do i get a boyfriend??? and why can't I stop thinking about him?

That's one of the things that's not working, that's for sure.  It has to do with your attitude and expectations, not what you might be thinking.  Not necessarily "wrong," just that it isn't working for you.  There are some specific, practical things you could do.  Ruminating about what really wasn't a relationship, doesn't help.  But, you say, "How do I stop?"  Ah, that's what it's all about.    

Those two do not go together.  You can't get a NEW boyfriend until you let go of the OLD boyfriend.  And these are thoughts (in your head).  You say you don't like endings but, you see, if you don't have endings, you can't have new beginnings. Over our lifetimes, we go through many, many endings and beginnings.  It's part of life.  You don't want to get stuck.

You're also kind of stuck on fantasies there.  You two never really got to go out.  For sure it was not a relationship.  And you say that you don't understand the feelings of it all.  

Spend some time working with a coach to figure out better what's going on with you, and how to manage your feelings and understand them (www.susandunn.cc).  Not necessarily "wrong," just that you realize it isn't working.  It isn't getting you what you want.  You need some skills to move your forward and get you active about what you want - but not aggressive.  All sorts of things.

I hope you'll get some coaching or counseling.

This will put you in a better position for a great relationship!

Good luck!
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc
http://datingcoachblog.blogspot.com