Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 12/31/2008

Question
Hello,

This isn't a dating question. But I need some advice.

I work in an office with some catty ass women. I am 31 years old single female, tall, and thin. I dress simple yet elegant. The other women in my office are about 22-23 years old, they are about 4'10" tall, overweight, and very bitchy and mean. They wear sweats every day and they are married and have a multitude of kids. They are so short I tower over them every day. There is one girl in particular who really hates me and she is the leader of the group.

The whole gang of girls has formed into a clique and they do everything together including eating lunch every day in the cafeteria. All they do is gossip and talk trash about every single girl who works in our company. When they are in smaller groups, they talk trash about the other girls in their group as well. But for the majority of the time, they are together in one huge bunch. I avoid that table and sit at another table with all the men. But to be honest, the men invited me to sit there every day. The women never invited me to sit with them.

I crack a lot of jokes with the men and we are always bursting out laughing, hooting and hollering. they shoot me really nasty, angry, dirty looks across the room. it is so obvious that even all the men started noticing and saying "hey whats wrong with those girls. why are they glaring at you?"

So all the girls are telling everyone that they don't like hanging out with me, that I'm really cheap (I eat a TV dinner for lunch everyday because im on a budget), that I never offer to pay for any of their events, that I never help them with anything, etc. They also said they don't like me because they think I'm weird.

So today I went into our break room with the company microwave, fridge, oven, stove etc. A few times I forgot to clean out the microwave after I used it and the girls started screaming at me 'WHY DONT YOU CLEAN THE STOVE AFTER YOU USE IT.'

one day we had a pizza party and i ate 4 slices of pizza while all the other girls at 2. the girls were gossiping about that for weeks.

one day i was sitting there and one girl said "hey guys. you better eat the pizza quick before SOMEONE starts eating it." and she motioned at me behind my back.

one day i was in the break room cooking a three egg omelette. the same girl came in and said "you're eating three eggs! well YOU can afford it" in a VERY NASTY tone.

once i was heating up a TV dinner, and she said in a mocking tone "well of course. skinny pretty girls like you can't afford to eat REAL food."

i was wolfing down some food one day and she said "look at her eating like a freakin pig. and she doesn't gain a pound. i hate all these skinny pretty girls. they disgust me."

one day i was wearing tight leather pants and a cute fitted top which showed a lot of skin (sexy but not slutty, still appropriate for the office) and she turned to all the girls and said "hey guys look. looks like SOMEONE has gained a little weight." then she saw me around the corner and said "Oh hey guys, SHHH! she's coming! she's coming! SHHH!!"

Every time im having lunch with a man, I turned around and see one of these girls shooting me a look of pure hatred. VERY NASTY.

they gossip about me and whisper about me incessantly. yet i work all day long and stay to myself and quiet. do these girls ever do any work? i doubt it.

whenever i go into the little kitchen area, they gang up on me and start snapping, saying nasty things about what i eat, etc, and they yell at me when they see me leave a little mess on the stove or microwave. they're always smirking at each other, sneering, and laughing when they see me coming. they are following me around, trying to pick at any flaw they find in me, and blow it up and out of proportion. ARRRRRRRRRRRGH.

how do I stop all this bullshit? honestly its more than just jealousy. this is workplace harassment. or am i over reacting?

Answer
Dear Annoyed:

This is a nasty situation indeed.  Somehow things got off on the wrong foot, and it's almost impossible to turn something like this around once it gets going.  It could almost be what we call "mobbing" or "bullying" in the workplace.  You can read more about it here: http://topten.org/public/AB/AB158.html- an article that I wrote.  You can also learn about it here: http://www.webstrategies.cc/mobbing.htm , and you will see link where you can order my ebook, "Mobbing, Bullying and What You Can Do About It."

In your case, I would strongly recommend coaching, because this has gone too far.  Also there are things you do that have 'encouraged' this that you probably are not aware of, that could prevent this from happening again.

It's a long list, such as being attuned to the environment in the first place, using your intuition as to whether it's a good place for you or not; using xtreme emotional intelligence skills from the get-go (www.susandunn.cc)- which can be learned and developed; addressing things immediately before they get out of hand; getting assistance that you need early-on; coaching in any new job, as the beginning creates the middle and the ending, sets the tone, and ... is always stressful.  There's nothing more stressful than the first month in a new job ... unless it's when it gets like this.

You don't mention here any efforts you have made to be friendly.  It looks like it has evolved into attack-attack.  You begin your email describing it as a polarized situation.  I wouldn't say you are over-reacting, it sounds truly terrible.  

I would have to go over the details with you and what you have already tried to make this better, and how it got started in the first place.  It sounds like you are almost provoking it to continue, though you may not be mindful of this, and certainly it is not intentional.  One can get so traumatized, too.
I suggest my ebook and coaching.

It is also important, if you are an attractive woman, to learn how to head-off at the pass the natural human jealousy of other women which can make your life a living hell in the workplace.  There are ways you can learn to do this.  Toning it down; complimenting others; being positive; doing things to fit in, not stand out; emphasizing what you all have in common, not what's different; trying to understand the position of others; and, of course, watching the male-female thing; and, usually, changing some attitudes and beliefs.    

One always has 3 options in any situation:  change it, change your attitude, or leave.

If you'd like coaching, please email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc .  Aside from that, you could consult with the manager if there is one, or whoever all of you report to ... and get your resume ready.  I wouldn't want to stay in a situation like that AND would want to know how to make sure that didn't happen again.

I'm very sorry you have had to go through this.

All the best,
Susan
www.susandunn.cc