Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 12/7/2008

Question
QUESTION: Hi. I guess my situation is common but let me ask what you think any way. i am a 42 yr old women that has been dating a 50 yr old man for 4 years now, we have been living together for 2 years now both divorced from 15 year marriages, he has been divorced for 8 years and i for a little over 4. When we met i was very clear what i wanted and he seemed to want the same which was to be married. Well again it has been 4 years and he has not asked me to marry him yet. when we talk about it he will say he isnt sure that he wants to be married again but that he knows he loves me and wants to spend his life with me other times he will say to have pationants. Well i think after 4 years of dating he should be able to ask me to marry him i dont think im rushing things. He tells me all the time that we love each other and we get along great and have a very blessed life why do i want to get married. Just as everyone i have a type of life that i want i want to be married and live till death do we part with him. Some people want kids and some dont and i guess its just the type of life i want. Do you think he will ever ask me to marry him or do you think that i should move on and maybe i will find someone else i want to spend my life with and get married and then maybe i wont. Please tell me what you think!!!
Thank you

ANSWER: Hello Michele!

Oh my god Michele! You've wanted to be married for all of these 4 years and you still aren't? What the hell?? You seem like a nice woman! I'm sure you could go out this very weekend and find someone that would marry you TODAY! Then, you'd be happy and all of this wondering would be behind you, right?

Of course not.

Michele, come on now. You've been focused on marriage all of this time and you're really missing the entire point. No, not "everyone" wants the same things. You're totally missing one important fact: marriage isn't the relationship itself, it's a FORMAT of a relationship. So is living together, dating exclusively, dating non-exclusively, LDR's, dating with kids, dating with gerbils, etc., etc., etc. There are thousands of formats and marriage is only one of them.

Here's more reality:

You view marriage as all sorts of good things: security, success, family, future, love, status, etc., etc.

Men however view marriage as something very different. We see it as stress, responsibility, loss of freedom, loss of choice, taking on a business partner that we have to run every decision by and many other negative things. Add to this some other facts such as women often change dramatically after they get married. They often gain weight, stop or change their sexualities, stop focusing on their partners, etc. Divorces are usually far worse on men than they are on women as well. Our divorce courts (and in fact, society in general) view men in divorce situations as the only bad guy, despite the fact that wives file 72% (majority) of all divorces!

It's almost amazing to me that men ever get married in the first place!

What you have now seems like the perfect situation, but you're not satisfied with it because you want that big party and a contract that will nail him if he doesn't do things exactly the way you want him to. What you call "commitment" you're getting far, far more of right now than you'd ever have in a marriage! He CHOOSES to be with you now even though it wouldn't hurt him much to end things. If he were married to you, it wouldn't be a choice - it's be a court-ordered mandate! Ohhh!! How romantic!!!

Michele, let's bottom line this thing: if you honestly have to be married to be happy, then you need to go find someone - anyone - that will give that to you right now. Don't worry about whether your boyfriend will ever come to that point - just go do it. Then, you'll have the happiness you want.

On the other hand, if you are looking for a solid, loving, committed relationship with someone you respect and love, the focus on the quality of the relationship itself - in whatever format it takes.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: your very mistaken i dont just want to be married i could have done that
several times when i was asked. To me it is like someone not wanting
children it is simply a way of life that i would like to have. I have had 5 men
ask me to marry them but i said no for differernt reasons for each. I have
found a man that i love that has good morals and i want to live the rest of my
life with. It certainly has nothing to do with just wanting to be married, with
that said i guess that by what you have said you feel that i am looking to
marry any one that will marry me just to be married. You are not the person i
want adivce from. I have a good job great kids and a cute as a button
grandson, i own my own home and am a very sucure person that just as
someone chooses to live there lives a certain way would love to be married.
Thank you for your thoughts i will ask someone that doesnt feel as though
im looking for someone to take care of me but yet a soul mate that i want a
full commitment from

Answer
Oh! That changes everything! No WONDER he won't marry you, you're a bitch! I think it's time to start settling. I rarely recommend such a move, but in your case, it might be all you have. I pity the poor guy that actually has to spend any real time with you, let alone be married to you! Uggghhhh!!!

Good luck - you're going to need it!



Hello again Michele!

"No! I want what I want and THAT'S IT!!!" Are you stamping your feet on the ground and shaking your fists in the air too?    ;)

If you don't want my advice, trust me, you won't hurt my feelings. I have over 100 questions to deal with today alone and I don't mind not answering yours in the least.

However, I will offer this, despite your parting rudeness:

Considering how men think about marriage, there is one thing you can do to change his mind: spend the next 6 months really studying him and his needs, wishes, desires, goals, expectations, etc. Become a real expert not in the guy you think you know, but in who he REALLY is, deep down in that place you rarely (if ever) get to see.

Find out EXACTLY what he needs in order to exchange his freedom, lack of stress, lack of responsibility, lack of choice, etc., for the marriage that you want.

Then, simply become that woman to him.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"