Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 12/29/2008

Question
QUESTION: Hi,

About a year ago, I had two roommates. One day, my former roommate screamed at me at the top of her lungs for about 15 minutes in a very horrible, nasty way filled with hatred. My other roommate and her looked at each other and smirked at each other after seeing how visibly upset I was.

Throughout the year she made some more comments about me that were nasty. Remarks about my small breast size, my weight, insulting me in front of large groups of people, etc.

Basically my two roommates were just looking for any flaw of mine so that they could pick on me. I felt like I was walking on eggshells with them.

I am a very nice, sweet lady and am friendly to everyone. I also happen to be very beautiful and used to model. My roommates were morbidly obese and so everyone used to tell me how jealous they were of me and how much hatred they had for me since I got all the sexual attention from men and they didn't get any.

A year has gone by and I'm still traumatized internally by that incident. I notice I have become very bitter and defensive and very shaken.

I lived for 8 months with these girls and was harassed by them constantly. I was innocent, sweet, and nice, and they took advantage out on me.

I have nightmares about her screaming at me and I'm still very upset about it. I keep having these flashbacks.

I've moved out of there and I will never see any of these people again for the rest of my life. But after being screamed at with that much hatred, the scars have not faded.

What do I do? How can I get over this? I am still very much traumatized.

thank you

ANSWER: I'm sorry to hear about this.  I'm glad you had the sense to get out of it.

Depending upon the severity, and or your preferences, here are some things you can try:

1.  Coaching
2.  Therapy
3.  Tapping (emotional release tapping techniques) - youtube it and follow the instructions
4.  Take the EQ Course, to understand more about emotions.
5.  Doing any or all of the above AND giving it time. For instance, I have a client who had her foot in a cast, and so rear-ended someone, and it took her about a year to "get over it."  The memory flashes and all that.

Whichever you decide, please do something.  Life's too short to spend that way.  You need to talk about it, and get it out of your head!!!

All the best,
Susan Dunn
wwww.susandunn.cc
If you want coaching, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: In the future, if anyone screams at me with that much hatred, or personally attacks and insults me in front of people, how should I act? What should I say?

The main reason that I am so angry and traumatized now was because when it was occuring, I never reacted. I never fought her and I never told her off or yelled back or cursed her out.

Do you think it is possible that one day, she will regret how she treated me?

Answer
Anything that you let go on, that you let fester, will get worse.  And worse than it is.

In the future if someone starts that, tell them to stop.  JUST SAY NO.  Protect yourself and set limits and boundaries.  There is no reason you have to listen to something like that.  Cover your ears, leave, call a time-out, say you will not allow them to talk to you like that.  What happened to your personal power??

For some people, the most immediate reaction is to "freeze."  It sounds like what you do.  It's both innate and learned.  To change this, you have to learn how to get our of your daze, and kick-start yourself into action.  Coaching would help you a lot.  To be prepared.  To know what to do and say.  Most of all, with the initial emotional reaction.  If you would like some emotional intelligence coaching, please email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc .  I also have an excellent Internet course that teaches you about emotions - how they happen, how they help, how to use them, and what to do about them.

Will she regret it?  That isn't really the question to ask, because you can't change another person.  They can change if they want to, but the only person you have under your control, is you.  More than apology, you need, as you have said, to learn how to take care of yourself, and I hope you will pursue this.

If you don't stop something like that immediately, which is in your power to do, as an adult ... if you don't speak up, stand up for yourself ... you will ruminate about it, like you are.  Each time you go over it, it's like going through it again.  Your brain does not differentiate between "then" and "now."  Telling a "war story" - to someone else, or over and over in your own head, stresses you just as much as the intial event.  You need also to be aware of your self-talk - the talk that goes on in your own head.  Some call it "thoughts" - but someone put it there, you keep it there, and it doesn't have to be that way.  It takes discipine and training to learn how to keep your self-talk positive.  

Most of all, do not allow someone to speak that way to you.  This may be one of those hard learning experiences in life.  The way to stop them from doing it, is to refuse to allow it.  

They start in.
Say "I am not willing to listen to something like this now.  If you don't stop, I will leave."
If they continue, you leave.

On the phone
"If you continue to talk to me like this, I am going to hang up the phone."
If they continue, you hang up the phone.

Say what you mean and mean what you say.

You do not have to tolerate verbal abuse.  Period.

If there is some legitimate concern that needs addressing (maybe you used her hairdryer without her permission, or something like that, or there's been an escalating situation about a parking place, who vacuums, taking other people's food, making a mess in common areas of the house - whatever - there's always something going on with any roommates) say you will be glad to discuss it at a better time but right now, you both need to calm down.  

Contact me if you would like coaching.  This sounds ingrained and would take some time to learn new ways.  I hope you will.  You don't want to go through this again.  I strongly recommend that you learn about emotional intelligence.  You would love it!

All the best,
Susan Dunn  
www.susandunn.cc
THE BLOG:  http://improveyoureq.blogspot.com
THE EQ COURSE - www.susandunn.cc/EQcourse.htm